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So... I need some advice from the ladies on here. I will be 21 in February and my FI will be 28 in October, we have been together for almost 4 years. Our wedding is in May and this may be TMI but we want to have the most effective BC method out there because we DO NOT want kids and both of us think it is stupid for him to have to keep "pulling out" once we are married, TMI... I warned you! :/ I have been on Yaz since I was 18 and have had no problems but it isn't 100%. My FI has told me in the past that he doesn't like to have sex too often because he is still scared I will get pregnant even though I am on BC and he pulls out. I mean we have a decent sex life, I just think it would be better with no pregnancy worries looming! I was thinking of getting the copper IUD and staying on Yaz for double protection but I searched reviews on here for the IUD and I was FREAKING OUT! Is it really worth it? Also I am really against abortion and a nurse friend told me that the sperm and egg connect they just don't attach with the IUD (I may have screwed that up... but something like that) so she feels like it is kind of like not giving the life a chance but it doesn't seem THAT bad to me (def. not comparable to abortion), we are wasting his sperm already anyways right? It is just such a hard decision. I don't want to screw up my body and have crazy side affects and we definately don't want kids. Whenever I think about getting pregnant I feel sick. I have a nephew who I love but hate being around him more than 2 hours, and so does my FI. We have no patience, want to travel alot and just love our relationship too much to sacrifice any part of it for a kid. He wants a vasectomy... but that is so final. I repeat, I DO NOT want kids but I am 20, what if I change my mind? We are really open to adoption if for some reason we do change our minds... but it seems unlikely that we ever will. We aren't mean people but we just really don't like being around kids. I want to make an apt with my Gyno in the next month and I have almost a year till the wedding, should I just try an IUD and see if it is miserable or let him get a vasectomy or any other ideas? If I do get the IUD will I be able to know how I feel about it by May? I just have this great idea in my head that we will start our relationship as husband and wife in the best way possible and be in the best possible places in our lives, with nothing looming like the 1-2% chance of me getting pregnant... :/
If you don't want kids period, I would suggest that your FI gets a vasectomy. You may have to stay on BC for a while after his operation, but that's pretty permanent. Another permanent option, but more serious for you is to get your tubes tied. I suggest the vasectomy first, because it's the easiest operation, and does not require surgery. Getting your tubes tied is a pretty major operation and will require a hospital stay. But before you decide on anything, you should both see your doctor and discuss options with him/her. Good luck with your decision!
Thanks! He is all for a vasectomy. I suffer from severe commitment issues... which is why it took us 3 years to get engaged. lol Committing to anything as permanant as a vasectomy is scary but he is very sure he doesn't want kids so even if I did change my mind why would I ever want to force him to have unwanted children... I have put ALOT of thought into it though and know I don't.
I just got a copper IUD a few weeks ago. I have one daughter, and my husband and I don't want any more children. It really wasn't that bad for the insertion. It hurt a bit during the actual procedure, but no more than really bad menstrual cramps. I cramped a lot the first day, but felt much better after that. So far so good - I would do it again.
About the abortion aspect of an IUD - I think your nurse friend is wrong. Copper acts as a natural spermicide, and that is one of the primary reasons why copper IUDs work. So I don't think it is at all like abortion. Paraguard is the name of the copper IUD that is approved in the U.S. - you should take a look at their website and ask your doctor about your options. Vasectomies are very final - and have more risks than an IUD insertion does, with the same "fail" rate as well.
IMO, I wouldnt do the vasectomy because like you said.. what if you change your mind? Your 20. Heck i didnt want kids at 20 either! But had a slip up and got pregnant a couple months after i turned 20 and am happier than ever(My daughter is now 15 months). You never know how your mind might change so I wouldnt do something SOO permanent. I would lok into the IUD or paraguard first. And if that doesnt work out for you for some reason then look into the vasectomy. Good look with your choice!
I think you should look more at the IUD - there's two kinds: copper/paraguard and hormonal/mirena. There were some bad side effects with a totally different type of IUD that was flawed in design back in the '70s, but for now the biggest issue is pain putting it in / taking it out. I've heard it can be pretty bad cramping, but it only lasts a day or so.
The copper lasts for years (like 10, but apparently can last even longer) and contains no hormones. It can make your periods heavier and the symptoms worse, but if you don't want to be messing with hormones, it is a great choice. The hormonal IUD will often lessen and even sometimes make your periods stop.
As far as what it does, it prevents implantation. Eggs do often get fertilized and then just not happen to implant, even without an IUD. Although those eggs have been fertilized, they never developed beyond that because the egg can't connect to the uterus to get nutrition and energy to develop, and is just expelled. I'm not really a specialist, but that's the idea. It's up to you whether or not you're comfortable with that, but it sounds like you are (I know I would be, but it's not about my comfort level, it's about yours).
I would not want to get sterilization surgery at 20 (and I say this as someone who, at 28, is 99% sure I want kids and 50% sure I want to get my tubes tied after I turn 30). I know in some friends' experience, it's very hard to convince a doctor to do this before age 30.
Nothing is 100% except not doing the deed in the first place.
DUDE! my post went away!
Ugh, ok, I'm about to get even more non fluff and to the point.
@PeytonL79 Thanks! That makes me feel better about the copper being a spermicide, I was all for it before having that conversation with my friend. I guess if I was gonna stay on Yaz too it wouldn't matter. I just made an appointment with my dr to talk about it and they said she will have to do some tests etc. anyways if I want to get it done. I read that someone could feel it in them? is that true?? and your partner can't feel it during sex can they? someone told me theirs could with nuvaring which is creepy and I wouldn't like that, which is why I didn't even think of that option.
I hope I don't sound harsh.....
NOTHING is 100% unless you don't have sex. That's the chance you take with having sex. I'm not saying you shouldn't have sex, but the possibility of having children is what you take on if you decide to have sex.
The only other thing that would be 100% is if one of you decides to disable your reproductive organs, which I wouldn't suggest to do at your young age.
I would simply stay on Yazmin which should keep you covered but do realize you still have the 1 - 2% chance of pregnancy.
I had mirena (the hormonal IUD) and loved it. Insertion hurts some but was worth it in my opinion. Studies show that the IUDs are as effective as sterlization.
Most doctors will be unwilling to give you an IUD when you are so young and have not yet had any children.
If you and your FI are completely certain you don't want kids I think you are being really responsible by wanting to take every measure you can to prevent pregnancy. I don't think you sound mean at all, people who don't really want children shouldn't have them. At 28 I do think it's probably unlikely that your fiance will change his mind on the subject so I would say he should go ahead and get the vasectomy. It's the most reliable option other than abstinence which I really don't consider to be a viable option in a healthy marriage. If you do for some reason both change your mind it is a reversible procedure for the most part, and you are open to adoption as an option as well.
@Entangled - thanks for the more detailed info. I am not even considering getting my tubes tied, my FI just keeps bringing up the vasectomy thing. I think I'd go with the copper IUD if I do it, no periods as nice as it would be seems really unnatural to me. With those things, I always worry we are going to find out 10 years from now that it is really really bad for us or something.
@KLP2010 I am really interested in learning more about my fertility but have no problems with chemicals or foreign objects in my body if it means I can worry less about something that scares me more than dying. lol A little over dramatic, but seriously, my FI and I would probably both have a meltdown if we had an accidental pregnancy. I will definately have to look up that book and add that to my not getting pregnant plan! :)
@Moose1209 I am going to talk to my dr about what she thinks of him getting a vasectomy also. I have heard it can be reversible and it may be a good option. I really like how my birth control affects my body so I would like to stay on that regardless.
I would check with your doctor. Mine didn't give me an IUD because I have never had a baby before. The thing that worries me is that those aren't 100% either. Will you be nervous using that as well? As for the changing your mind, it's really possible. I didn't want babies at all before but now that I'm getting older, I'm feeling the urges to have one.
Here's a really good resource to check out. It looks at the risks/benefits of each method and can help you choose one based on your needs.
http://sexualityandu.ca/teens/contraception-choosing.aspx
I have the Mirena (hormonal IUD) and I love it. The insertion was a bit crampy, but not even as bad as my period cramps used to be. I've never been pregnant or had a child. The Mirena IUD was actually discussed at the North American Society for Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology last April as a really good option for teenagers who are at risk of getting pregnant (since it is as effective as a tubal ligation or vasectomy).
The hormones are just local (in the uterus, rather than flowing through your body in your bloodstream), so there aren't really the same side effects that people have with the pill. As for not having periods, this IUD works by thinning the lining of the uterus (called the endometrium). A lot of women worry about all that blood and tissue backing up "in there", but there isn't anything to back up because it's not building up each month. It's actually protective against buildup of the endometrium that can lead to endometrial cancer!
The best part about it for me is that it lasts 5 years, and is 99.9% effective (same as a vasectomy). I don't have to think about taking a pill or anything every day, and it's completely reversible when/if I want to have children.
vasectomy. he can probably put his sperm in a sperm bank if you guys change your mind later.
@KLP2010: just wondering what the definition of "abortifacient" is? I've never heard that term before.
@Mrs. Boom: Just wanted to throw out some stats from Planned Parenthood:
Effectiveness of the male condom:
If you always use the pill correctly and combine that with always using a condom correctly, your chances of getting pregnant are even less than 1-2%, I would think. Just thought it would be useful to share with you; not sure if you guys already use condoms too or don't like to use them...
I have a paraguard IUD, and I've had it since I was 24 (I'm currently 30). I will get another one at 34. I do not have children, and my doctor had no issues with me getting an IUD. I have not had a single pregnancy scare since I've had the IUD. I had them all the time while on the pill. My doctor said that the only woman he has ever seen that had problems with an IUD is one who had multiple uterine surgeries prior to getting it inserted.
I think the reason that they say you shouldn't get one before having kids is because your cervix may not be open enough for insertion.
The copper IUD is the most popular form of birth control everywhere but the US. The reason the US is afraid of the IUD is because of some wacky shaped ones the FDA approved in the 70s. They're perfectly safe now.
I highly, highly recommend the Paraguard IUD.
Just another comment because I haven't seen it up here yet ...
Pulling out is not an effective means of birth control. "Pre-cum" and any secretions prior to actual orgasm can still contain sperm.
I'm still surprised that people think pulling out works. Stay on your BC and use condoms with spermicide.
As KLP2010 discussed, I will repeat, lol
So, the definition (as in what doctors and birth control use) is that pregnancy does not occur until a fertilized egg has attached to the lining of the uterus. This is how doctors and adds for birth control/emergency contraception can say that they "prevent pregnancy." When really, if your definition is that pregnancy/life begins as conception-birth control is an abortificient and has just killed a new life. Conception happens BEFORE the egg is implanted. Birth Control pills function in 3 ways: changing your cervical mucus so that sperm physically won't make it to the egg, preventing the ovaries from releasing an egg and the abortificiant part which is to alter the lining of the uterus so that a fertilized (therefore conception has happened) egg can't attach to the lining of the wall.
I would recommend Natural Family Planning. I haven't started it yet but that's what my fiance and I will be using. You don't have to pull out with this method and if done correctly it's 100% effective. (How can it be 100% effective?!) It's 100% effective if done right and by doing it right, it means that you only have sex when the women is infertile. Can't get pregnant if the woman is in the infertile stage of the month. Good luck to you!
Mirena (hormonal IUD) here and very happy with it. Never had a scare and on my second one,. If you are certain you do not want any children I would advise your FI having a Vasectomy but do your reserch many bees put up some great links and gave some great advice. Best of luck with what ever method you choose.
@Mrs. Boom - nope, can't feel it in my, and my husband can't either. I had the NuvaRing right after my daughter was born and hated it - it came out all the time during sex and it really freaked me out. Good luck with whatever you choose!
Thank you everyone for all of the advice. We just want to be as responsible and safe as possible without giving up our sex life! :) I am guilty of never really doing my research like I should have. I was 18 when I got my birth control and it was just a seemingly obvious decision at the time since I had recently become sexually active and I didn't even think about getting anything but the pill. I don't really trust the pulling out thing even with my birth control but condoms just suck to be honest... which is why I think I am going to go with the copper IUD, after talking to my doctor of course. I will also remain on my Yaz to keep my periods light, avoid getting acne again, not have crazy pms-ing like before I started on my BC, and it will be a good back up "just in case". I will probably have it done soon after talking with my doctor if she says it is a good idea. My FI and I had a long talk about it and think I'd have to do it soon before I start school so it doesn't affect my 1st weeks back too much. And since I will remain on Yaz, if I hate it I can just get it removed and go back to just the pill. I have an appointment with my doctor next wednesday so I will let everyone know how it goes. I really appreciate the honest opinions. I have no older sisters and my mom is no help so it is nice to get advice from women who have had experience with this topic.
am i the only man here forced to use a condom....
what is the deal with you all being afraid to make your man wrap it up?
seems logical to me. No need for a pesky implant then.
birth control pills + condoms, seems to work rather well for most of the world.
Pull out? thats so going to fail.
Mr. Kahboom... We used them for years until I got on birth control and neither of us like them. They are just such a mood killer and we haven't found any that are comfortable for him. It's not like we are having casual sex, we have been in a relationship for almost 4 years and since we are not having kids it would suck having to use condoms until I hit menopause... But it is good that you don't mind using one and I'm sure if I requested it my FI would too. I know the pulling out thing isn't a fail proof plan even with birth control but it is less likely to get me pregnant than the alternative.
Can you please talk to my Fiance? haha
nah in all honesty, you are being responsible and thats cool. The vesectomy option seemed a bit hardcore though....and they are famously unreliable
What did your doctor advise?
I've been looking at getting Implanon. It's a small implant in your arm that works for 3 years and is one the most effective birth controls available. Wikipedia gives it's failure rate at .05%, same as only one in 2000 people using it will get pregnant in a year.
@Mr. Kahboom- I have an appointment with my "lady doctor" on Wednesday of next week. Apparanlty she will have to do tests etc. if I want to get it, but my normal doctor is the one who originally suggested it to me after a conversation about not wanting to have kids... so it seems like doctors are all for it from what she said.
@PeytonL79: I have a friend who had a IUD, was pregnant for a few months... And it was automatically aborted. She said it was the most horrible experience of her life, having a shredded baby (and it looked like a baby) come out. (Mind you, she's gotten pregnant on basically every type of birthcontrol, so it may be a freak accident thing.)
My dad had a vasectomy a few weeks after I was born - two difficult pregnancies, and a healthy son and daughter. He wasn't putting my mom through another pregnancy.
I also recommend the pill + condoms. Or, the pill + spermicidal films. Of, the pill + a cervical cap/spermicide. As someone who got pregnant taking the pill perfectly, I always use a backup method. I really, really do not recommend Natural Family Planning, as the success rate for preventing pregnancy is far below that of even the pill by itself. I recommend just doubling up on two methods.
@Mrs. Boom: An IUD is usually not a good idea for someone who has NOT had children. The uterus can expell the IUD because it is a foreign object. Also, I understand you two have been together for a long time and you are getting married. That is great. However, you don't sound entirely sure you NEVER want to have kids. You stated, "what if I change my mind?" What if you do? Where will your marriage be? Say in 10 years you decide you want children or a child, what will happen to your hubby? Life decisions like the desire to have children or not should be pretty much 100% set in stone prior to marriage. Otherwise, you are going to have a lot of heartache later on.
As for the birth control, I have a friend who has taken the same birthcontrol pill for the last 10 years. She has no children. No accidental pregnancies. She is happy with it. If he is that feaful of having children, he needs to have a vasectomy. Simple as that. Also, I really don't know how you will approach the issue of his pulling out everytime. I don't know how long you two have been having sex but I imagine it has been for awhile. I would be completely pissed off with FI if he pulled out everytime.
@edisonsgirl-- Is it really possible to say at 20 that you'll never want children? I think I have to respectfully disagree that things have to be set in stone prior to marriage. Life is what happens while you're making plans.
I think it would also be wise to start tracking your fertile days. That way, you can either use a condom during those 4-5 days on top of bc or abstain. It's very VERY rare to get pregnant with the pill off your fertile days. Though you hear loads of stories about accidental pregnancies, from those who have been trying to conceive, it's pretty dang tough. I think there's not too much to worry about if you take the right care
Um, yea. I would use two methods and decide those two with the help of your health care provider. If a condom is really that bad for you, I don't see why you can't use another barrier method. There are lots options, but like others have posted the only guarentee is abstinence so you have to decide what is a comfortable level of "risk". Ultimately we all have to accept the consequences of our actions and think about how we would respond.
@crayfish: There are many methods of non-hormonal "Natural" planning. If used correctly, following the STM method with Abstinence during fertile days is scientifically proven to be the most accurate and most effective way of preventing pregnancy. So, your information is wrong. NFP is actually better than any other method, including the pill. All it requires to guarantee 100% effectiveness, is abstinence over about 5-8 days which surrounds your time of ovulation. Sperm can live for up to 5 days, your egg for up to 2. If you don't have sex, you don't get baby.
Does it suck to avoid sex for a week? Sure, I'm sure it will (as we're not married yet, we haven't had sex yet.) However, There are actually a lot of benefits to periodic abstinence. Studies show, that couples using this method actually have sex more often than those on hormonal methods, that every month there is a "honeymoon" period of time to look forward to, you find ways other than sex to show your love for your spouse, divorce rates are lower, statistically those couples have less debt, and according to studies also show to be happier in their marriages.
I don't know about you, but 100% effective plus all those other benefits sound good to me. We've been charting and following STM for about 5-6 months now. When we get married, we'll be pro's at it ;-)
You are thinking of the calendar method which is completely bogus. Research need to be done before making false blanket statements like "the success rate for preventing pregnancy is far below that of even the pill by itself."
I have the Mirena IUD and I love it. I'm 27, never had kids, and have had zero problems. If your gyno won't let you do an IUD because of your age, go to Planned Parenthood. They'll do it, no questions asked. I do know someone who got pregnant with an IUD, but the chances of that are less than 1 in 1000 which are the same as after sterilization. (For the record, she had the IUD removed and is 5 months pregnant now.) I like Mirena because it gives a low does of hormones directly to your uterus and as a result, I rarely get my period anymore. Bonus! I plan on having kids eventually but I know a ton of women in the same position as me. At least 10 of my college girlfriends are in the same place I am. We're in committed relationships but not ready for kids so we use an IUD. After listening to my sister complain about her period yesterday, I couldn't be happier with my little IUD.
@KLP2010: Thank you for that info! You put it in a very clear, concise, yet thoughtful manner and I just wanted to jump in and say you have influenced my decision not to go back on birth control.
I also wanted to throw this out there:
Pulling out IS more effective than most people think because there is no sperm in "pre-cum" unless the man has not urinated since his last ejaculation.
IMO, pulling out + using condoms during your 5 - 8 days of potential fertility would be enough protection. That's what I plan on doing.
Well, I feel completely informed now because of this post. After meeting with my doctor I decided not to go with the iud and just stay on my birth control. She told me that my FI should not have to pull out unless I forget to take my birth control or am on an anti-biotic. She said those are the only reasons why people get pregnant on birth control. However, I am going to look into a type of spermicide before we try this method just in case and I am going to find out when I am more fertile so we can be extra careful on those days. Thanks for all the advice. :)
The mirena is amazing. I got it inserted a couple of months ago and I feel much better than I ever did on any hormonal birth control. It is birth control for 5 years. after that you can have it taken out and get pregnant, or get another one to cover you for 5 more years. It hurts SOOOOOO freaking much to get in. But it's worth it..
on top of that. NO PERIODS
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