Post # 1
I am engaged and will be married in October. This year makes 3 birthdays for my fiance that we have had together. The first year we went out of town. Last year I was left out because his family could not wait 10 minutes (literally) for me to get off work and they celebrated with out me. This year his family decided they were going to take him to the beach for 4 days (y birthday plans for him weren’t even considered and can’t happen now). All the planning was done literally right in front of me and again I wasn’t invited or even thought of. Of course I didn’t say anything because its just rude to invite yourself (not that I expected them to pay my way or anything). Normally his family are great to include me on things but I’m finding out birthdays i’ll just be left out. I realize i’m a grown woman but my feelings are hurt big time. I feel silly for even writing about this but my feelings are hurt big time.
Post # 2
This just sounds odd-are you sure it isn’t just assumed that you are invited? I understand if they made plans without considering plans you may have made (that is rude but thoughtless, not malicious), but to actually not include you? If these are not suprise plans your FI should speak up on your behalf-you two are basically a social unit.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
cwalker0611: Sounds like your FI is the one that needs to speak up. He’s not a child. They can’t just tell him what to do. Sounds like you have a good relationship with his family in general, maybe they just need to be reminded that you are together and that they can’t just control things. I know my MIL gets extremely controlling, completely without meaning to. A gentle comment from DH or I will almost always solve the problem.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Why is your FI ok with his family taking him off to celebrate without you? That seems really weird and not cool. I know either one of us would be like “thanks but no thanks unless s/he is also coming!”…
Post # 5
He knows I am upset about it but at the same time I don’t want to be the one that ruins his birthday. He even said he wouldn’t go if I was mad about. Im not mad just kinda hurt. I agree he should have spoken up. I dont think the invitation was a given, only because for his family plus me would require 2 automobiles and they said they would only be taking one. Its happening this weekend and the closer it gets the more upset I get.
Post # 6
How hard is it for your FI to rent a car and go in 2 vehicles? I would be very mad if I were excluded like this. You are not ruining his birthday by being hurt, your FI is ruining his own birthday by not inviting you. I’m sure your FI wants to please his family, but you need to start coming first in his life.
Post # 7
His definition of a ruined birthday should be spending 4 days with his family without his FI..
What a weird arrangement, how old is he? Why can’t he spend his birthday with you or, the way he wants to..
Post # 8
cwalker0611: That’s just weird. Take another car!
Post # 9
cwalker0611: I voted that you shouldn’t be upset, however, I understand WHY you are upset.
While you can’t do anything this year, unless your fiance steps up and gets the travel info from his parents by saying something to the effect of “oh, wow, one car is definitely going to be a tight fit, so why don’t cwalker & I follow you? I can’t wait to celebrate with all of my favorite people together!” That way, his family knows that he’s looking forward to celebrating with you and them, and if they excluded you by omission, the egg is on their face.
In the future, I would take the reins. You open the conversation by saying that you’ve been looking forward to planning his birthday celebration and would they like to join y’all for such & such. Do this before you have an inkling that they’re planning anything.
Post # 10
Unless he’s 12, this is ridiculous. Why on earth would they plan a getaway without his fiancee? Why would he be ok with it? I’d be pissed if I was marrying someone that I couldn’t celebrate a birthday with. Two years in a row? What happens when you’re married? You spend his birthday apart because mommy planned a trip?
Post # 11
I’d be more concerned that FI didn’t step up to his parents without you having to say something. IMO he’s been way too passive.
The only explanation I can think of for the parents excluding a fiancee is if they are privately not all that thrilled with the relationship. Either that or they don’t want to pay for you.
Post # 12
KC-2722: +1 I would hate to not see FI for 4 days, especially on my birthday and I can guarntee he feels the same way. Since we’ve been together I have only missed one birthday of his and that’s because we were 16 and his family took a trip. They weren’t going to take two 16 year olds on an over night trip but I can promise you if they were to take a trip now or even 3 years ago, it would be a given that I go. FI and I are a package deal now and both our families respect that. If anyone tries to come between us for something as important as a birthday they are shut down fast because it isn’t right.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
cwalker0611: Based on your explanation it sounds like they are intentionally leaving you out. Maybe it will change once you’re married, maybe not. But it’s time for your future husband to discuss the issue with his family and make it clear that you are now part of the family and any plans involving him need to be made with you in mind as well. Family will either need to take two cars on the trip or your husband needs to sit this one out to reinforce the idea to his family that they cannot just leave you out of plans that absolutely should involve you.
Post # 14
cwalker0611: At some point, I WOULD SPEAK up. Eff FI speaking up if he cannot comprehend why you’d be upset. The fact is, you are upset! As a grown woman, you can speak up for yourself. They might think you wouldn’t be interested. I believe that most people do not want to, nor intend to, hurt feelings. If someone doesn’t tell them what’s up, your feelings will continue to be bruised.