- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
Was over the moon when FI proposed and we started planning but since then it seems there’s little problems coming up over and over, mainly from my parents, which are doing my head in to be frank, but I don’t know how much is them being unreasonable and how much is me, really need some advice.
Right at the start of planning we worked out our budget and, as we’re trying to build up a business right now and have a lot of other stuff going on, we knew we’d have to save for about 3 years even for a fairly budget wedding (which is what we want anyway). We were absolutely fine with that, but also knew if my parents helped us out we could marry in 14 months, which would be even better for us. This made sense to me as my parents are comfortably off and about a year ago they downsized their house and put aside a small but significant amount of money for me and my sister to be used towards house deposits when needed. Naturally though, I respect that it’s still their money, it’s not an overdraft for us to dip into, but I thought it was reasonable enough to ask (not demand) if we could borrow (not have) just under half and pay it back so we could have the wedding sooner and it wouldn’t be like starting married life in debt as we’d otherwise still be putting the ‘repayments’ aside except they’d be savings for the future wedding.
So we asked my parents and they were absolutely fine about using the money, and the amount, even brushing aside talk of it being a loan and us paying it back, saying that if the costs didn’t go up significantly we could have the money, as in they’d pay for the wedding, rather than us borrowing the money to pay for the wedding ourselves. They kept repeating it would be our money either way in the end anyway so it didn’t matter whether we paid them back or carried on saving ourselves for the house deposit, which made sense to me. Except it meant the whole question of who was actually paying for the wedding was left up in the air, which I’m now realising was not a good thing.
We redid our budget after this conversation, to include what FI’s parents wanted to contribute (a small amount but they’re not well off so it’s hugely appreciated and we weren’t expecting anything from them), and to include what we could save in a year, so as to need as little as possible from my parents and it’s coming out roughly as my parents paying about 2/3’s and us paying a little under 1/3 and FI’s parents adding the rest. So no-one is outright paying for the whole thing and also no particular ‘sections’ have been agreed, ie my parents paying for the reception/photographer etc, they’re just contributing a set amount of money. However, we’ve had a few issues raised;
#1 – My parents keep mentioning wanting to invite 2 couples we weren’t planning to, both old friends of theirs that they (and I) were very close to when I was very young but they’ve grown apart from them and one couple they only see every 6 months and the other only once a year at most, and I see the couples much less than that – they haven’t even met FI for starters and we’ve been together 4 years. Still, if we were having a large wedding I’d be overjoyed to invite them but we’re not, it’s only going to be very close family and one couple who are as close as family to me – about 16 people max, so it feels really odd to even consider inviting these 2 couples but my parents keep bringing it up even though we’ve explained we want a small family event. The last time they brought it up my mum got very sniffy when I very gently put my foot down and said “oh, ok, we’ll just keep supplying the money then” but unfortunately we were on our way out so I couldn’t discuss it more then.
#2 – My parents keep mentioning that they think we should elope, they even say “why don’t you elope and just tell us about it afterwards” as if they just want our wedding out the way as cheaply as possible without bothering them. We keep saying we’ve got our hearts set on a nice day of celebration but it’s coming across as though they just think that’s a waste of time and money, even though they haven’t outright said that in so many words.
#3 – As with #2 they make other comments to suggest they think we’re just wasting money, even though our entire wedding (with minimoon) is going to cost less than £3000, which ok you wouldn’t blow every month but is reasonable for a wedding I think. They’ve said “oh you could just skip having a meal and end the day after the ceremony and photos”, “don’t bother having alcohol, it’s just an extra expense”, “we’ll take photos, it’s silly to spend a lot on a photographer” etc. We’re only going to do it once and we’re not talking about diamond encrusted favours!
#4 – They keep being negative about most things to do with our reception (although oddly they’re hyper excited about the theme!) – my mum said the other day that she needed the extra guests (in #1) so she’d have someone to talk to (and my parents aren’t shy or awkward, they monopolise most conversations in fact)! When I reminded her she’d have her own children and families there she didn’t look impressed 🙁
#5 – We haven’t talked about it yet but I think they’ll also be snarky when it comes to send out the invites as we want to put ‘Groom and Bride together with their families invite…’ etc but I’ve got a bad feeling they’ll be expecting us to name them as the hosts. But as far as I see it, we’re hosting the whole wedding, we’ll be paying for some straight away and the rest eventually but they seem to see themselves as paying with the “supplying the money” comments.
So my main dilemmas (to finally get to the point!) are firstly whether to revisit the budget chat and insist that their contribution purely be a loan that we pay back, even if they will only just give it back again when we buy a house, secondly whether we should put our feet down about the guest and wedding choices, whether we should confront their negativity and lastly whether we should see ourselves as hosting it or not?