Post # 1
Ok- so I am bitter about my FMIL’s lack of interest in the wedding of her 1st son. She has said before “Just tell me when and where to show up.” She has not offered to help in any way (FI had to ask his father if they could pay for our bar b-que the day after the wedding because we are not doing a rehearsal dinner. He said yes, but never informed FMIL.) She has on numerous times mentioned how inconvienent our wedding is because it is on a Friday.
It’s not as if she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want FI to marry me- It’s as if she is stuck back in the golden ages of when a brides family paid for and took care of the entire wedding. I wish there was some sort of updated book I could send her to make her see that times have changed. My mom doesn’t have a lot of extra money but is doing what she can to help us. FI parents have enough money but have not offered with any assistance. They even know our financial situation is tight to say the least.
How do I deal with this and not let the bitterness take over? My eyes fill with tears everytime I think about it. FI is pretty upset with the lack of enthusiam/support from his parents as well.
Post # 3
Honestly, you’re really not supposed to ask people for money for your wedding, you know? Much in the same way that you think its super old fashioned for the bride’s family to pay it’s also old fashioned for the grooms family to pay for the rehearsal dinner. She isn’t required to and shouldn’t be expected to contribute to your wedding finances. I’m a big believer in ‘if you can’t afford it don’t have it’. Have a simple wedding that you guys know you can afford on your own. That’s how the rest of your married life will be anyway – on your own – so starting now is great practice!
On to the excited part – that does suck. Some people just don’t get excited like that over weddings, even for their children. My Mom is like that, too. She’s just like ‘tell me where and when’ and that’s it. She was even moody over having to buy a new dress and be in pictures 😛 She’s a pain in the ass that way, though. She doens’t like to do anything social and her and my dad are homebodies. Maybe she’s this way, too? I guess if it’s any comfort at least she isn’t in your business non-stop 🙂
Post # 4
If your FI is upset wit their lack of excitement he should say something. She probably thinks she is doing you a favor by keeping out of it. Ask her to be more involved and tell her you WANT her to be involved.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this–the wedding planning process is already so emotional that it’s easy to get upset, especially when you feel like your future family isn’t being supportive.
It might help to imagine if you were in the opposite situation–what if your FMIL was so involved in your wedding (both emotionally and financially) that everything had to be her way, everything was a huge deal to her, and she was stressing you out all the time over details? That, to me, would be WAY worse. Just try to enjoy the planning and don’t worry about things you can’t change.
Post # 6
You could always phrase the ask in a different way. That is what my FI and I did with his parents. We both didn’t feel right asking them for money (as we shouldn’t) so we said if they’d like to support or help plan any part of the wedding, we would be happy to have them do that. My parents could only give a small bit so me and my FI are paying for the bulk of the wedding. We are lucky to have a nice savings.
His parents have offered to do the rehearsal dinner and are taking care of everything completely (planning, hosting, and paying) for it. They have also since said they will be contributing some money to us but they didn’t tell us how much. I am not counting on the money of course and wouldn’t be upset if they didn’t give us any. It will just be an added bonus if they do end up contributing.
Post # 7
I’m not expecting my parents or my future in-laws to pay for our wedding. Just like you said times have changed and the parents of the couple dont HAVE to foot the bill. IMO I dont think you should be bitter since she seems to have nothing against you and nothing against you marrying her son.
Post # 8
Perhaps she doesn’t want to step on your toes. My MIL was helpful during the planning process but I could tell she didn’t want to overstep and take over what I wanted to or my mother wanted to do.
Maybe she’s just not that “into” weddings. Not every women likes the idea of planning a wedding so maybe she’s not unenthused but it’s just not her style to ask about all the details like someone would if they loved weddings.
I don’t think you can really ask them to pay for anything though. Or at the very least it should be your fiance asking. I think it’s best to go into wedding planning expecting nothing financially from anyone though – then if they do offer to pay it’s just a bonus.
Post # 9
I am sorry you are feeling this way but luckyprincess is right, you are not supposed to ask for people for money. Have you talked to your FMIL at all about her lack of excitement?
I know for myself my Future inlaws are not really involved in our planning. I have offered some information. But not like how much stuff my parents know. You may need to bring it up to her and talk to her about wedding stuff.
Post # 10
In her generation that’s what the MOG was supposed to do! When my brother got married my grandmother told my mother to “shut up, show up and wear beige”. She’s probably trying hard not to be overbearing. Make an effort to include her in things like dress shopping or food tasting so that you make it clear that you want her to be involved. Don’t have your FI say anything about being disappointed in her level of enthusiasm because she probably thinks she’s doing what she’s supposed to.
And as far as the money the others are right. No matter how much money she has she is under no obligation to spend it on your wedding.
Post # 11
@Lolasmomma:Because your FMIL does not want to help pay for your wedding does not mean they do not support you. It is your wedding and your obligation to finance it. Just because they have the money does not mean they owe you or your FI anything, its their choice. You two are adults right?
Post # 12
When we started planning the wedding, my FI and I both worked, him making a bit more money than myself. He then went into business for himself and lost a lot of money. I tried to cancel the wedding after deposits were paid and my mom refused to let me. So saying ‘if you can’t afford it don’t have it’ was what I was trying to do, but my wonderful mom knew a wedding was important so she stepped in.
To the PP who posted that it is rude to ask for money- we didn’t say “we need you to pay this, it was “In lieu of a rehearsal dinner, we are going to have a backyard pig pickin the day after the wedding. Do you think you may be able to help.”
IMO- they sure like to add to the guestlist, so they should be able to add to the budget as well.
Post # 13
I’m not sure that the OP is saying she’s bitter b/c her FMIL isn’t offering to pay for the wedding. It sounds like she’s just upset that she’s not excited about it. I think every bride wants everyone to be as excited as they are about their wedding day – especially the parents! So when her FI’s own mother isn’t showing any interest it’s got to sting a little bit. The money thing just sounds like another thing in the list, not the main thing.
Post # 14
I’m sorry you’re stressing about money for the wedding – but, it seems like thats the real issue here. You can’t really be mad at your ILs for contributing. It’s your wedding, and as grown adults it should be on you and your FI to pay for it. If rounding up the money is stressing you out, that’s totally understandable – it IS stressful. but don’t take it out on your ILs. No one is obligated to give you money for your wedding.
Post # 15
I understand where you are coming from. We are getting married and my FI mom doesn’t seem interested. When we try and talk about it with her she seems like she doesn’t care. She seems to only care if you have to talk about someone’s drama or you have to talk about someone’s business. It is crazy she doesn’t care unless you have drama in your life.
His sister’s life is full of drama, or so they think b/c she has a baby and is with someon they don’t like so they are always trying to be in her business. They could care less about what we are doing. I guess that will be a good thing later, but right now it would be a good thing if they cared a little!
Post # 16
When I had these feelings my husband, FI at the time, finally had to say that he would be the only one talking to his family. This was after telling his stepmom how many days before the wedding she would have to come in and her response was more of a gripe and how tough it would be. I was shocked because from my family I usually hear excitement and whatever they can do or we need. And then she made a comment about not being included so I sent her a long email with an update to which she never responded. Things were great though after my husband started being the only one to communicate wedding stuff.