Post # 1
Ok so this is not meant at all to say that I am not happy for my cousin, or that I feel like she should change her date or anything of that nature. Its just kind of something that stung a bit for my own reasons…
FI and I were planning a wedding for September 20, 2013. We had a deposit down at our venue and had verbally informed family and friends of our date. We had to cancel our plans due to financial reasons (cleared our savings to help my parents save their house) and stop planning our big wedding. So we no longer have a date and will probably do something small this upcoming springsummer. We have had some issues as well that needed to be worked out within our relationship, so no matter what this date would not have worked out.
My cousin just came to me the other day and asked me how I would feel if she and her husband used september 20th 2013 for their big wedding. They were married in a quickie ceremony because they were both joining the military and didnt want to be apart after basic training. So they got married so they would be assigned to the same location after that. They had been dating for about 6 months and official for only 3 months prior to that. She is 20 and hes 22. So its all been kind of a whirlwind romance. September 20th is their dating anniversary of when they became official on facebook. yes she said that. So they consider that their anniversary. So thats why they wanted to have it september 20th 2013. When she asked me my mom and sister were there and it just kind of got quiet. She didn’t have the best wording when asking me either. This is what she said:
“so I was wondering if it would bother you if justin and I used your wedding date of september 20th, 2013? I mean its clear you probably won’t be using that date anymore and its our anniversary so we thought that was a cute touch”.
Now, I know we dont own the date. We also have no desire to say no to a request like this. So my response was
“of course you can. We will not be planning a big wedding for next year so thats fine. how exciting!”
But inside my heart dropped a little. It was going to be hard to see september 20th 2013 come and go no matter what because I know on that day I would think to myself “this would have been my wedding day”. Now I am potentially going to be attending the wedding of someone else im close to on that day and I know I will not be able to help but think “this should have been our wedding”. selfish? maybe. But these kinds of things have gone through my head and I even cried to FI about it. Not because she would be using the date, but because it just really made it more official that our dream wedding wont be happening that day. I guess I have just thought that maybe somethings would change and we could still plan for that day. But given the issues we have faced recently in our relationship and with money, its unrealistic that I even had that hope.
I realize this may be irrational. I also realize ill probably get some backlash for feeling how I do. And thats ok. Im aware Im probably sad over nothing. But to clarify Im mostly just nervous that if her wedding is on that day that I won’t be able to focus on her wedding day and how lovely it all is but instead will be thinking about how we arent getting married that day and basically ill be mourning my almost wedding instead.
I don’t think there is much advice that can be given but I mostly needed to vent I guess. Thanks for reading bees!
Post # 3
@stardustintheeyes: Since they are already married, I don’t see the big deal in picking a different date since this is just a formality and not their marriage date. I know people who have done that, but in your situation, I think it’s a little insensitive of her.
Post # 4
@meraklu: It may be insensitive but its not my date to claim anymore. So I didn’t feel right saying anything but “its fine”. I think the family that knows whats going on also agrees its a bit weird given the situation. But she’s 20 and in general is just someone who is all about herself so it doesn’t shock me that she asked the way she did or that she didn’t really think outside of herself. I can tell you that if I had been her I would not have done it this way at all. But she didn’t do anything wrong exactly, it was just kind of in poor taste I guess. Either way, at this point im just focusing on how hard it will be to be there on that day if they actually go through with having their big wedding that day. Thats obviously not how I want to feel at my cousin’s wedding.
Post # 5
It’s totally okay to feel the way you do. It’s normal to be sad about not having the wedding you originally wanted. But I don’t think you should say anything about this to your cousin or anyone else because it’s irrational to forbid her from having her wedding on that date when you’re not using it. Focus your emotions on the real cause, sadness over canceling your own wedding, instead of directing them on your cousin’s wedding.
Post # 6
@VAwife: I never said I wanted her to change her date. Nor did I say I was forbidding her from doing anything 🙂 I actually said it was fine when she asked and i also said that her wanting her wedding on that day wasn’t wrong exactly. And I also never said i was going to say anything to her. So really Im doing exactly that. Im not asking anyone to do anything differently, more just expressing how difficult its going to be to attend a wedding on the day I would have been getting married.
Post # 7
@VAwife: also, in my response to another poster I said …
“It may be insensitive but its not my date to claim anymore. So I didn’t feel right saying anything but “its fine”. “
So this isnt a post about how someone “stole my wedding date” or me thinking I own a day out of the year that Im not actually even using anymore.
Post # 8
I completely understand how you feel- here is a hug for you *hugs* I hope you are able to pick another date soon and dive deep in planning so you can be settled with her date.
Post # 9
@armychica06: thanks. I actually spoke with FI about it more today and he agreed he had the same thoughts too. nothing really we can do about it though so we will just be supportive of everything and be happy for her 🙂
Post # 10
You are only human, give yourself a break! 🙂 You will mourn your “wedding date” regardless of where you are, you might as well be surrounded by family on that day. Your mind will wonder and that’s OK. At least it can be masked by someone else’s happiness. Let yourself feel how you feel just keep it between the two of you and the beehive 🙂
Post # 11
OP, she’s not stealing your wedding date because she’s not actually having a wedding. It’s just a party celebrating a “quickie ceremony” that has occurred in the past. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…they can certainly call it a “wedding” if they’d like…it just is what it is.
I wouldn’t take it to heart. At 20-years-old, she’s still just a kid, so it probably didn’t even occur to her that she was making her request in such an uncouth manner.
Best of luck with your own planning!
Post # 12
At least she asked!! I’m sorry – it must be really hard to have the ‘final nail in the coffin’ feeling about your wedding date, even though it’s no one’s fault that this has happened, you have every right to be annoyed, angry, frustrated, upset…everything/