Bitter Waiting…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MiniaJane:  “asked me earlier in the year if I would marry him in the Summer time”

That kinda sounds like a proposal to me…..especially if you can’t wear jewlery, and he did it without a ring.

How long have you been with your SO?

If neither of you want a wedding, why not just go and get married at city hall?

 

Post # 5
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Hmm…that’s strange that he brought it up earlier and suddenly stalled on it! I would HATE feeling like I had to wait for him to basically live it up and enjoy life before deciding to settle down with me…it would make me feel like second best. I would definitely tell him (not angrily or confrontationally, but honestly) how just waiting is making you feel. I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum though – in my experience with friends and family, the “Propose or I’m leaving!” approach just doesn’t work. If he does propose, there will always be a little seed of doubt about his intentions (“Did he ask because he wanted to or because I made him?”) and if he doesn’t, then you either have to leave (and probably suffer a broken heart) or stay and see that he called your bluff. None of those are very desirable options. Instead, I think that you should just tell him that by making you wait, he’s making you question his intentions and how much he wants to be with you. You could also point out that you want to be WITH him to accomplish your life goals TOGETHER, not sit on the sidelines and patiently wait for him to live out his dreams and only then decide he’s ready to commit. To me, a marriage is about embarking on a journey as a pair, not something you do when you’re both already at the destination you aimed for.

Post # 6
Member
10999 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@memo:  

He says you have to “get over small things” before you marry. You say that the only problem is having to continue to wait before being married. What you have here are two different people with two very different perceptions of this situation. It sounds as if you need to begin with this fact and find out exactly what these “small things” are that are hindering him from being willing to move forward with the relationship. It’s important that your SO feels and believes that you have heard how he’s feeling and that you understand why he’s hesitant to take the relationship to the next level if some things aren’t resolved between you. You cannot expect him simply to put aside these things just because your perception of the situation is different than his.

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Getting married should be a mutual decision between two people, not something one should do to make the other partner happy. sounds like you guys have some communicating to do. He sees some issues in the relationship that you don’t and vice versa. Talk to him about it!

Post # 8
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Getting married should be a mutual decision between two people, not something one should do to make the other partner happy. sounds like you guys have some communicating to do. He sees some issues in the relationship that you don’t and vice versa. Talk to him about it!

Post # 11
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MiniaJane:  Oh how I feel your pain. My FI is just like you’re SO. Molasses in January. He’s so insecure in his decision making. Honestly, just to become bf/gf I had to leave him. Literally walked away because he waffled for 3 months. He acted like my bf, but then refused to call himself that. Yet didn’t want me to date other people. Sometimes he’s just too scared to make a move.  So I waited for him to take his time and make his decision, but I made it clear that I would not wait forever. I told him I loved him and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but if we were going to sit in the same place forever then I would not be happy that way. So he made his decision and we got engaged. Now we’ve only been engaged for a month, but I know how slow he is. So I just threw a little “So when are you thinking we should get married” out there and he got all “slow down woman” on me. Which bothered me because “Why get engaged if you have no plan of getting married?” So I left it alone. And we’ve been in a slump lately. And I told him two days ago how I feel about getting engaged with no plans of getting married. We didn’t talk any further about it and I didn’t bring it up. But today he came to me and said he wants to get married in 2014 and started talking about where. 

So my advice is to be honest about how you feel, gentle, but honest. 

Post # 13
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MiniaJane:  What does he say his goals and dreams are that he needs to reach before marriage?

Post # 15
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MiniaJane:   I understand!  I agree that nothing would change and there’s no reason the two of you can’t achieve your life goals together, as a married couple.  I think you should talk to him about how strongly you feel about this. 

Post # 16
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MiniaJane:  Well I suppose I got my point across with stronger words. I was still nice and not pushy and I was prepared for it to end. I told him that I love him and I would be breaking my own heart to leave him, but I just couldn’t sit in this limbo for much longer. We’re mixing a person who needs AMPLE time to make any decision (him) with a person who has no patience to wait for anything (me). It really was making my a little bit nuts.

If it’s starting to make you angry you’ve got talk to him again. Maybe more firmly. You have a right to your feelings too. And you have a right to express those feelings. What he did to you wasn’t fair. He should be able to tell you what, if anything, changed his mind or what he sees for your future. I know it isn’t easy putting your heart right out there on table, but if you don’t you’re going to end up bitter and hurt and in an unhappy relationship. Some people may think I’m a bit forward, but I literally said to him (while he was avoiding making a decision at all about anything in our relationsip) “You either have to have this girl or you don’t. So you either do something to keep her or you don’t.” I’ve seen far too many women sit and wait for something that is never coming. My Aunt for one, lived with a guy for 7 years, he wouldn’t marry her so she finally left after giving him most of her 20’s. I’m way too old to waste time like that. 

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