(Closed) Bitternness and steeling your date

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Bitter, no, and I was right smack in the middle of my group of friends to get engaged.  Truth be told, you’re going to run into a lot of unforeseen events during your planning when you get the ring.  Take the date for example – we wanted to get married one year to the date we got engaged, but our venue we loved only had one date in 2009 available, so we took it.  The same might happen to you.  Id wait until you have solid details to start nailing stuff down and worrying about who elses wedding is that date.

Everyone wants their wedding to be THE wedding, but honestly, these are your friends.  Rather than trying to outdo them to be better, make the wedding about YOU and YOUR FH.  If you are worrying about the details that day and are worrying about "is my cake better? Are my flowers better?  My dress is more expensive…" etc etc, you won’t enjoy your own wedding.  I have 4 sets of VERY CLOSE friends getting married this summer.  We all planned together, and while all of our weddings are very different, they are all reflections of us as a couple.  the few that I have been to so far have been a BLAST – one was very formal black tie, one was held in her parents enormous backyard, and one was standard cocktail country club…and each one was so fun and unique that none of us compared one to the other.  Truly, Id not stress over making yours better than the rest, it will be counterproductive to you

Post # 4
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Kelly – I couldn’t agree with you more! The year we got married, we had 7 other weddings to go to in our group of friends. The weddings ranged from having fireworks at them (a 7/7/07 wedding), one was part Hindu, part Christian, and another was on a pig farm! Out of the 7 weddings, not one was alike by any means. We had fun at all of them, and they were all unique and different in their own special way. My best friend and MOH was married two weeks before me (the Hindu/Christian wedding) and we even used the same photographer. Then, my old roommate was married 3 weeks after me, and she did a lot of DIY and had hers on her dad’s pig farm. It was adorable, and perfect for the two of them! Make your wedding about you and your FH, not about being better than a friend’s wedding…

Post # 5
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Honestly no, we aren’t bitter with any friends that are also engaged. Everyone has their own relationship, so we’ve not considered how long they were dating before they got engaged. I just consider whether each pair is well-matched.

This is our year of weddings, just about every college friend of my fiance is engaged, so we are going to a lot of weddings. Every wedding is very different, so there’s no way to compare them. And I seriously doubt anyone would steal another’s date. Almost everyone is having their’s in different seasons. Only two are in the summer. There was a spring wedding, one in the fall (ours!) and one in the winter.

And for my fraternity sisters, they are happy for me. P’s a good guy and they see that. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I would concentrate more on your relationship and less on others. Are you engaged yet? I only ask because you said boyfriend. If you’re not engaged and don’t have a venue set in stone, you really don’t have a date yet. You might have a date in mind, but it seems a little silly to me to get mad and protective over a date that may or may not end up being yours. These are your lifelong friends. Don’t let silly bitterness get in the way of enjoying this time in your lives. It’s totally not worth it. It’s just a wedding! 

Post # 7
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I had a ton of girlfriends get married before me!  After all, I didn’t get engaged until I was 36!  Because we opted for a long engagement, several girlfriends got engaged, married etc between the time we got engaged and when we’ll be married.

I really don’t see what being bitter would have accomplished for us.  First and foremost, we had to do what was right for us, which meant a 15 month engagement.  My second concern was that my friends were happy.  I have these women in my life because they are amazing people.  I wouldn’t want to one-up or out-do any of them.  If anything, their weddings spurred me on to be  creative and different… but I wanted our wedding to be a true reflection of us.  It’s sure as heck not going to outdo some of the fancy ones… but it will be genuinely us, and that’s all that matters to me.

Keep your eye on what is important: your SO, your family and your friendships 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I totally understand that it’s hard to watch your friends get engaged when you want it to happen to you! ESPECIALLY when it’s friends who haven’t been dating their SO’s as long as you, that can be very hard to be gracious and happy about…I think most of the responses regarding "outdoing" your friends weddings are right on…You just have to focus on making it reflect you and your SO as much as possible and then it truly will be amazing…But I def understand where you’re coming from, my FI’s best man is getting married this fall and their wedding budget is probably triple ours and the guest list of friends will be literally identical (all in the same fraternity) so I sometimes worry people will compare their fancy wedding to our country wedding but hey, I can only do what I can to make mine as fun and reflective of us as possible…Do you have any idea if your BF is planning on proposing or have you guys talked about a timeline at all?

Post # 10
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Please don’t make this a competition among your friends.  it’s not a race to see who gets there first or who does it best … every couple has a different timeline and wants different things for their wedding day.  It should be about what is best for you and your boyfriend.

Please don’t pressure him.  Do you want him to propose because he wants to or because he wants to stop hearing about it?  An engagement does not mean you’re a more successful couple somehow.

Being engaged and almost being engaged is a fun time.  Don’t hurry so much to the next step.  Life is too short.

And also the "He said I’ll be engaged by the end of the summer" comment?  Just the one of you?  Come on girl!  This is about you and your bf … not a single one of your friends!

Post # 11
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I understand what you are saying. (And I don’t think she is saying she is being competitive)

I was dating my fiance for 6 years and would get a little *annoyed* when others got engaged. It would only annoy me when, a) the couple had been dating for like a day or b) the couple had been in a very unhealthy relationship prior.

I think the biggest reason of WHY I was getting irked was because everytime people would see me they would say "Is there a ring yet" or "When are you getting married" then go on and on about everyone else who was engaged. Once we got engaged though, I felt people were a little more excited for us since our relationship spanned so much of our time with the friends.

Post # 12
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My bestfriend got engaged three days before me. It has been very hard to share certain details because I am scared she might like them and use them in her wedding first. It was very difficult to choose a date. Thankfully, she wanted June and I was already set on July. I probably sound very selfish, but, it has been very hard to balance being her MOH and planning my own wedding at the same time. Has anyone else had this experience before?

Post # 13
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Miss Farmer – I did! My MOH and I planned our weddings and they were 2 weeks apart from each other (she was engaged first and was married first). I actually found it comforting to go through the process with her. Her husband (then FH) was deployed to Iraq at the time, so she had no one to help her or meet with vendors. So I invited her along with me and my husband (then FH) so that she could also get a feel for vendors. We ended up choosing some things the same, and some things different. We both had the same photographer (which ended up working out great), but different venues, ceremonies and everything else! We based our timeline off of each other which was really helpful to both of us! Try to embrace it rather than fight it – my best friend was my savior through a lot of the planning, and I was hers. Leaning on each other is what you’re there for!

Post # 14
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Miss Farmer – I was in the same position as well (er…am in actually =o) )  one of my best friends is getting married the saturday before me.  She and her FH were enagaged about a month before we were, but we picked our date first (like I said, it was the only date available in 2009, and we cleared it with them first to be sure they wouldnt be offended) and they ended up with 7 days before us for the same reaon – only date available until like december for them.  Its been very comoforting to have someone you are so close with going through the same thing as you at the same time with the same stresses, etc.  Adding the MoH part to the mix IS a bit hectic, but you guys have each others backs.  As for her stealing your ideas, unless she is the type of person who typically does this, I’d not worry TOO much about that. If she does, then you can be vague, or help her look at ideas until she finds one she likes.  That way, if you like similar things it just happens to be the taste, not copying.

And tifinicole – you sound like you have a ton of high expectations surrounding your big day.  My single biggest piece of advice to you is TRY your hardest to not worry about pleasing everyone.  Concentrate on pleasing yourselves.  You will never please every single person, its impossible.  I tried for about a week, and I got so frustrated with everyones input and opinions that I basically said SCREW IT and did a 180 and changed everything.  And since then, its been a breeze with minimal stress.  You’ll get through it, but keep coming back to us to talk ya down

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