Post # 1
I’m hoping for some good solid advice on how to handle a situation that has been on my mind. Recently my fiance’s ex reached out to him to tell him that her mother had passed away. They have had no contact for the last 4 years, so when he told me about the email I was confused. I immediately questioned her motives because we had an incident when we first started dating where she would post little inside jokes and messages on his Facebook page. She would write inappropriate things like “you never know when our paths will cross again”. I was just shocked at how disrespectful to our relationship she was being. I told him this made me uncomfortable, and when he confronted her about it she was extremely upset and told him she was blocking all further communication with him. This was extreme but ok with both of us since we didnt plan on having her in our lives anyway, lol. So now she has found a way to creep back in. I feel truley sorry for her loss, I really do, but her message was again inappropriate. She wrote “my mother would always talk about us together, even up to then end”. She also wrote, “you are still a big part of my life” . I just dont know what is in her head, how can he be part of your life when WE have a life together and YOU dont exsist to us??? She begged him to respond in the last line of the letter which i thought was manipulative because she knows that he has a very soft side. My fiance responded in a sensitive way and kinda ignored her comments. He just said how sorry he was to hear, and how lovely her mother was. He told her we are engaged and that we are both very sorry for her loss etc. Im just wondering if I have a right to be upset? I dont want to be insensitive, but she crossed the line right?
Post # 3
How long was your FI with this ex? Did he have a very close relationship with her mother? If they were together for a long time, or he had during their relationship grown very close to her mother, then I would just try to see it as her informing him. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt, she is grieving and remembering her mom probably stirred up some old memories of her and your FI.
Post # 4
DH’s ex did something similar when I first moved in with him. His brother’s GF’s mom passed away (no relation to his ex) but yet the ex started sending tons of emails to him asking him if he was gonna travel internationally to go to the funeral (DH had met the woman maybe once) and then asking him if he put HER name on the card for the flowers….which I had picked out but didn’t put my name.
The ex went to the wake and funeral both days and spoke with DH’s parents asking if he was gonna show up (they told her no) and then asking how he was doing (she didn’t know he was dating me.) She even became BFFs with the GF so she could keep tabs on DH. But this one’s a psycho so take that as you will….
His ex “might” be hoping for the same thing…..I get that she’s grieving but hopefully after 4 years, she has someone else besides an ex to talk to and hopefully other memories of her mom besides of when she was with your FI….I can see (maybe) contacting an ex to tell them about my family member’s passing but that would be it…I wouldn’t expect them to do anything else personally.
Post # 5
SO’s ex-father in law recently passed away (he’s still FB friends with one of his ex-wife’s sisters) and I think he posted some sort of condolence on the sister’s thread but we were both kind of on-guard wondering if the ex would contact him for old pictures, etc. So far, so good, and SO has even said he intends to go through his old photo albums and sort them out so it’s all good to go one day, but yeah… I would think that’s just fishing for something she ought not be fishing for!
Then again, if he was close to her mom, I would understand wanting to be notified. When my parents were divorced, my mom did request my dad inform her when a favorite aunt of his passed, and 7 years later when she did, he called me to let us both know.
Post # 6
Without seeing the email I can’t say if it was inappropriate or not.
I dated someone from high school till the beginning of college for a little over 3 years.
His mother passed away last year and I went to the viewing. She was a big part of my life those 3 years, and I still care about my ex-boyfriend so I had to pay my respects.
When we broke up we were still friendly and would even hang out occasionally, but once we both ended up in serious relationships we stopped talking, except for big life updates. We’re actually not even Facebook friends anymore because his girlfriend at the time I think was uncomfortable with our sort-of friendship, which is fine.
He texted me saying he was proposing to his girlfriend and wanted my opinon on the ring, which was sweet of him. When I heard from him I told him that I had just gotten engaged myself and sent him a picture of my ring.
When my dog died I let him know, because my dog was OBSESSED with him. And I know he cared for her very much.
And of course he contacted me when his mother passed.
I don’t think any of these were inappropriate and my fiance is comfortable with all of this. He used to be a big part of my life and we are on good terms. I will probably text him after I’m married and when I have kids, etc- and I’m sure he’ll keep me updated, as well.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t be upset. It sounds lke he took care of it. If contact continues then I would start getting pissed at this whacko chick, but honeslty she is going through a tough time so I’d cut her some slack.
Post # 8
You should be worried if you are going to allow her to control you… At the end of the day she can ONLY affect your relationship if you or your FI allow her to. How you and your FI react to her actions will be what matters the most in a situation like this.
My FI’s Ex wife tried to contact him all the time at the beginning (while her own husband was serving in the forces and was away and knew nothing of her trying to remain in contact) he wrote to her and told her that he was thrilled that she wished to remain in contact and that she wanted to become friends with me… and that he was therefore looking forward to hearing from her husband whn he was back so we could all get to know each other better!!! we have NOT heard from her since!!!! Yes she still Tries to find out things through other family members but we at least do not have to deal with her!
What I am saying here is that if you allow this to annoy and upset you then she is in control of the situation. Take your control back and trust in your FI and your relationship.
Post # 9
I’d be pretty irritated too, but your FI handled it well enough. I mean, would this ex contact ALL her exes to let them know about the passing–especially ones she hasn’t talked to in years? I doubt it. The email has a creepy vibe: “She would always talk about us”, “You are still a big part of my life” etc.
However, don’t get PO’d unless she keeps pushing contact and your FI keeps indulging her. Then you’ve got a problem.
Post # 10
I would be really annoyed with this too. But I think both you and your FI are handling it well. As long as he doesn’t encourage any further contact, I think you’ll be OK.