(Closed) Blatant Favoritism (Long)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee

What is done in the dark, will come to the light. Don’t say anything and continue doing what is best in your situation.

Post # 4
Member
4247 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your sister already tried to tell them the truth, and it didn’t change anything. They will only see what they want to.

The only results I see of you telling is that your parents will accuse you of lying and your brother will be mad at you for telling them. The favoritism and turning a blind eye is really rough, and I understand wanting to clear everything up, but in the end, your brother’s lies to your parents are his business, and I have a feeling it would make things worse to get involved.

Post # 5
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your brother’s living arrangements and what he’s chosen to tell your parents about it are 100% between your brother and your parents. If you feel the need for his truth to come to light, you can (and maybe should) urge him to be honest— but only in the context that it makes it harder for you to repair your own damaged relationship with your parents when you know he is living a lie.  Any conversation you have with your brother needs to be about the affect it is having on your relationship with your parents and the affext it has on the relationship between you and your brother, nothing more. It can’t be about how he chooses to spend his money or how his girlfriend’s parents are paying for the apartment because those things don’t matter to your situation.

As for your discussions with your parents, they need to leave your brother out of things. You need to explain why you’ve chosen to live with your SO and where you see the relationship with your SO headed. You should explain that you feel you will one day be married and that you want your parents’ full support but the lack of their support won’t change your decision on where to live, and will only serve to damage your relationship with them.

They can choose to accept that or not, as they see fit.  It would be worth asking for specifics on why they don’t support this— is it a religious thing, is it cultural, etc— and what their concerns are, as there may be some very good “work arounds” that you can do to help ease their negative feelings. For example if they’re against the two of you living together because they don’t think there’s a future in the relationship, asking your SO to go to couples counseling may help ease the tension between you and your parents— from your parents’ point of view, this helps show a solid commitment, and while there’s no evidence that you and your SO even NEED counseling, it truly never hurts to have an outside person give you advice on how to grow and maintain a healthy relationship.

Post # 6
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I know it feels like your brother is “winning” in this situation and that it’s unfair.

However, on a more fundamental level, you are in better shape in many respects:

– you have developed a set of skills related to life as an independent adult (budgeting and finance, responsibility, making choices, setting and achieving goals) that you will carry with you into the future, and they will serve you well. Your brother does not seem to have done the same.

– you are living your life with integrity and, while your parents seem to disagree with your morals, they are internally consistent for you. Your brother is keeping up the appearance of living by your parents’ morals but living out a hipocrisy.

In the long run, you are going to be much better served by your choices and actions. I know that doesn’t make the situation any easier right now.

Post # 8
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds like because you are in “trouble” for lack of a better word you want your brother in “trouble” too. I say who cares what he is doing, you made your choice and are happy so live with it! Ignore your parents and their comments they don’t pay your bills. They also seem to be in great denail so it probably doesn’t matter what you say to them about your brother at this point.

Instead  on throwing your brother in the mix, direct you enjery towards working your on your relationship with your parents and having them respect your boundaries. Talk to your parents tell them you are an adult and you made your choice and you would appreciate it if they drop the subject or kept their comments to themselves.

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