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I don't see how gaining 5 lbs. would make you any less attractive. Did you ask him why he doesn't feel close to you? So when you initiate, what does he say? Does he blow you off? Did this just start, or has it been like this since right after the wedding 2 months ago?
Oh hon, 5 pounds isn’t going to make someone suddenly not attracted to you! Don’t beat yourself up!
Does he/you have a lot of stress going on right now? Stress definitely effects our frequency. Have you tried initiating things?
This might be a general newlywed thing? My husband and I actually went through the same phase a couple of months after our wedding. One suggestion I have would be to schedule a "date night" where you go out to dinner, a movie, or some other fun thing that you can do *out* of the house and together. My husband and I see and spend time with each other every day, but it's not quality time when we're both loafing on the couch or eating whatever for dinner. It is quality time when we get to be out and doing something special with each other. It's worth the effort!
Also, "newlywed weight gain" is an actual thing (happened to us too...) I'm pretty sure it's not the reason for your sex life dilemma. Don't worry! You will be ok :)
Have you asked him WHY he doesnt feel as close? What has changed between you two other than the sex since you got married? Everything from how much you talk, to the tone and topic of the conversations. How chores are split up, etc
@iheartnerdyboys: How long have you been together?
How often did you have sex before getting married?
How often are you having sex now?
Is he stressed at work? Stressed at home? Having issues with family?
Has he ever had issues with depression?
I think it's always easiest to jump to the conclusion of "I don't look good enough" when there are issues in the bedroom. There are so many more reasons that someone can have a reduced sex drive. You need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. Try not to be so down on yourself.
What do you mean when you say your sex life is dwindling? How was it before you got married? And you've only been married two months--so it's not like this has been going on for ages. Every relationship ebbs and flows, especially when it comes to sex. I think you may be prematurely freaking out about this--it's going to be okay!
It's hard when the sex slows down. When FI first got together we were having sex every other day. Now it's more like 1 to 2 times a week (basically, just on the weekends.) I had a really hard time with that at first because my ex was a borderline sex addict (hell, he could've been a bona fide sex addict for all I know), he'd demand it twice a day, every day so that was what I was used to. I took anything less than that as meaning there must be something wrong with me. Turns out, FI just (thankfully) has a much lower sex drive than my ex and it took a good year for him to be ok with only doing it as much as he felt like, vs. how much he thought I wanted it. Once I got over the guilt, I found I enjoy only having sex a couple times a week (ok, I wouldn't complain if we upped it to at least 3, but I'm alright for now.)
Are you sure this isn't just a standard "lull"? There can be a lot of peaks and valleys with the libido and it's not necessarily a reflection on you. How often did you used to have sex compared to now?
Take a deep breath. Now think about something honestly: is the problem that you want to be having more sex, or that you think you (or your husband) should want to be having more sex? I think one of the common misconceptions is that couples are doing it all the time. People tend to lie about how much they're having it, trying to impress people or perhaps themselves. That said, the best way to tell if there's an issue here is to compare it to what your sex life was like in months or years past. Sometimes there's just a lull, you know? Maybe he's just stressed because of work or the economy or everyday little things and it's getting in the way of getting him in the mood. Things may very well get better in a little time.
And please don't stress over the 5 lbs. Hell, this winter I've gained at least ten. It happens. I doubt very much that is the cause of this issue.
If I were you, I'd try to talk to him a bit more. Or take the opposite route: Go out for an intimate dinner to feel close again and then seduce him to spice things up. Sometimes shaking things up a little bit is all you need to kickstart it up again!
Best of luck!
I've gained 20lbs so please don't worry about 5!! And to be honest, my husband and I only make love about twice a week and like pp, usually only on weekends! Life is tiring and you all are adjusting to married life. Don't worry! But I love the idea of date night as a bee above suggested!
5 pounds is basically nothing. It isn't that. You need to get him to open up about the WHY behind what is going on, because it just isn't possible it's because of 5 pounds. (and if it is, i'd be wondering why I married him)
Okay doll. Seriously forget about the 5 lbs. I bet he doesn't even see this. It sounds like this is not a superficial problem, but more of an emotional one. I'd try to dig deeper into what it means that he doesn't feel close to you.
Good luck. We're here for you!
i'm sorry, but your first sentence is ridiculous. there is no way on earth your husband possibly thinks that!
you need to communicate with him. have you talked about your sex life recently? have you told him that you don't think he finds you attractive? sex and communication are super important parts of a marriage...start by having a talk about it.
before we got married, and until recently, we were averaging every other night.. now a days, its once a week, at that. I know part of it is me being ridiculous, and i think i am also being insecure...
@Gemstone: i agree with you, he is more emotional that i am, but i feel so shut out..
@iheartnerdyboys: Just have a conversation with him. How long have you been together?
How long have you been having sex?
My FI and I have been together almost 7 years. We are very happy, but sometimes we average as low as once a month. It doesn't mean we don't find each other attractive. It just means that we are tired, stressed, busy, etc.
When we go on vacation our numbers spike, but at home we tend to spend a lot more time emotionally bonding than physically.
EVERY relationship has its ups and downs. Think about your relationships with your friends and family -- it goes through lulls too. There are times when you talk constantly and know everything that's going on, and there are times when you just don't have the time/energy or whatever else gets in the way and the relationship seems to dwindle a little.
Why do we put so much pressure on our relationships with our SO's that we forget this? Are we supposed to have a perfect relationship ALL THE TIME? No. That's just not how any relationships work.
Have a heart-to-heart with your H. Or maybe you just need to get out more or do something fun with each other.
@iheartnerdyboys: It's not your five lbs. I bet he hasn't even noticed that part. It is the not feeling close to you part that would worry me. Did he say why?
Hi everyone!
we talked about it and worked it out. We deduced that what he meant to say was that there are things that i could work on (which is true, and i need to put down my pride and accept that i'm not perfect), but there are things that he is attracted to about me.. he told me that the other night, he was just not in the mood, and i can understand that..
thanks for the support, bees!
What do you mean by he said there are things you could work on but there are things he is attracted to about you?
I hope your husband isn't having sex with his sister once a week!! No, but seriously, I think you need to realize that what's happening is totally normal and then decide how you really feel about the situation and not what you think you should feel. If you want to be having more sex, then you need to either sit him down and have a talk, or start trying to spice things up yourself. Good luck!
glad you were able to work things out. We do it much less than I thought we would after marriage, but we both talked it out and are ok with how things are for now. Marriage is definitely not like the movies!
it's not the 5 pounds. relax, and breathe. you need to have a serious conversation with your husband and decide what's up. you need to sit him down and communicate. if that doesn't work, try counceling. your new husband shouldn't be making you feel ugly or unwanted, ect. it's not good for you. *hug*
@kt23525: well, i HAVE been trying to lose weight for the duration of our relationship-- I had lost some, and then after the wedding i left my good habits by the wayside-- i.e. exercising regularly and eating healthy. He knows i'd like to lose weight, and I come from a bigger sized family than he does, so it's more noticable to him...
I'm not sure if this applies to everyone else, but it does seem like these types of fights are typical for newlyweds--- the ones where its not really easy to see who is right or wrong and it's stressful because we're married now and don't hypothetically have the option of leaving (not like we'd want to).. does anyone else feel that way?
My FI and I had sex liek everyday before we lived together, and as soon as we moved in together it was liek 3x a week now (after being engaged and buying a house) its like 1-2x a week, sometimes less. When it got to the point that I felt like it was a problem I talk to him about it. It turned out sometimes he was tired, and also when we had arguments he was just not in the mood. Also, after we talked about it he realized how important it was to me. I agree with everyone to say talk to him about it, see how he doesn't feel close, and tell him how it makes you feel (unattractive, etc). But yeah... 5lbs is nothing, I was sick for a year (different things including stomach issues), and I gained like 10 lbs, and my FI still said I looked great and didn't think I was fat (i.e. he didn't really notice). I think love IS blind or maybe just my FI is!
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i'm super upset. our sex life is dwindling and I'm pretty sure it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. I think that it'd be different if i were hotter or something.
on other fronts, we're great. just paid the bills, our household is in order, i'm making dinner every night, we're going to work..
but this, this is bad, and i'm on the verge of tears. today we are married for two months exactly. i wonder if i could live forever like this--- we could just be more like roommates instead of lovers.
he says its something like he doesnt feel close enough to me as of late, but forgive me for being ruthless, but hello, free sex is on the table and you won't take it? there's gotta be a problem.
i have gained five pounds and am desperately trying to get rid of it...
:[
this hurts.