Post # 1
My FI and I were talking about how we want to do our ceremony, and he suggested that we consider asking one of our family members to become certified and marry us. I thought that that sounded like a nice, personal idea, but that it might be hurtful to whichever side of our family (mine or his) isn’t chosen. He got sooooo angry and said he feels like I’m always thinking that way, always worrying about things being exactly even. And he’s right to some extent, I do do that, but it’s HARD to be part of two families sometimes, and I do worry about leaving my family out, esp b/c I’m from a very small family and he from a huge one. And I’m the first one (of this generation) in my family to get married, so I have no example of how to do this. And it really doesn’t help that a lot of times when I want to spend time with my family or friends, it feels like he really doesn’t want to be there.
Arghhh any advice? Was I completely out of line with that response?
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My husband’s and my worst arguements have been over “fairness” and blending our family. I’m sure it makes it even harder if he doesn’t want to be involved in your side. I don’t really think you were out of line, but maybe make some suggestions about how you think it would be more fair. Maybe someone from his side does the ceremony, but your side does the readings or something like that.
Post # 4
Ow. It’s unfrotunate that he didn’t appreciate that you were trying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings – not griping about things being fair.
Agree that the blending bit can be tough – especially if there are certain unacknowledged assumptions getting in the way. Has the pattern in your FI’s family been for his clan to become sort of the “primary” group? That is, do the wives and husbands of his brothers and isters wind up being absorbed into his extended family because more time is spent with them? Or do the married folk split time evenly?
Post # 5
Sorry you are going through this – but you are not alone! Most of my married friends have admitted to me that they are closer to one side – sometimes it is becuase of geography or just becuase they have more in common with one side. I think it is more important to spend quality time with both sides and try to make everyone included. It doesn’t have to be exactly equal. Maybe doing the readings would mean more to one side than the other. And maybe one side really wants to help you with the planning process. I think this is something that you learn and sort out as you go. You are doing a great job trying to be mindful of everyone’s feelings 🙂
Post # 6
Thanks! @teaadntoast, YES, you are so right with that one! From what I can see, his family ALWAYS becomes the primary unit. And I do think that is part of the problem–sometimes I want to just whine & say, “That’s not going to be us, I’m not going to not see my family!” And I actually really love his family, but I just always feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with my family/ friends. Which is a tiny bit justified, my family’s wayyy more dysfunctional that his, but well–I love them anyway, and I want my FI to support me. Anyway, I guess that’s all just part of what makes this whole thing so hard. It definitely makes me feel better to know that we’re not the only couple who struggle with this, though.
@IA Snowflake, I really like that suggestion about the readings! I think I’ll talk to him about that.