Post # 1
Hi ladies. I’ve never actually written a post before, and I never expected this to be my first post. I think my relationship is over. It went from asking for a simple timeline towards marriage to pretty much over really quickly. A little background. He is almost 31 and I am 30. We have been together almost four year. Living together three and a half. Have known each other for over tem years (undergrad). We pretty much have been talking marriage and kids since day one. However we def have had our share our things to work through (I am bipolar 2 which which is now very well controlled by medicine and therapy). For the last year our relationship has been the best it’s ever been. Hardly any fighting and we are really happy. Or I though we were. Apparently he isn’t happy in the relationship. When we had the timeline to marriage discussion he gave me a list that he wants to get out of the relationship that he feels he isn’t getting now. It was a long list and some things require personality changes on my part. I though. After all this time he loved me as is? Well I balked at the list and now he feels like we need to end it. He seems really upset but seems pretty deadset that it’s over. I’m devestated and in shock. I really honestly thought things were good. Sorry for the long rant. I’m just really blindsided and upset.
Post # 3
What exactly did the list say? I’ve never heard of anyone presenting a list like that, it’s a bit odd.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you are going through this. He should not be requesting personality changes. He should love you as is. Please do not change yourself just to stay with him.
Post # 5
@Em0038: *HUGS* I know you’re hurt now, but it really is better to find these things out before you’re married. You both deserve to be happy and he’s being really honest with you.
Post # 6
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, it’s got to be tough.
What kind of things were on this “list”? Can you give examples?
I tend to agree with you, after 4 years and living together, what you see it what you get. I find it odd he would want you to make a bunch of changes after all this time.
If the relationship is over it’s probably for the best – you deserve a guy who will love you “as you are”.
Post # 7
A list?? How long was it and what did it say?! If my FI had a list of my “flaws” I’d be devastated and I’d want to know why he let it get so long before talking to me about it.
Kind of ridiculous for him to expect you to change at this point in the relationship, unless you’ve done a 180 from what you were in the beginning.
Post # 8
Some things on the list were easy things I think I could work on like not giving him tasks to do when I am cooking dinner and he first gets home from work (I didn’t even realize I did that). Other ones are harder like waking up earlier on weekends to help him with house projects and pulling my weight more (my current medicines make me really groggy so I have been working on changing them, but the process takes a few months. I def can work on this though too). The hard stuff is I get anxious when ppl come over without calling first. I’m not rude to guests and they would never know, but SO can tell I’m nervous and that bothers him. He also feels I am emotionally distant and dont give him what he needs. I don’t know how to approach this topic. I try my best, but I am how I am… there is other stuff on the list, these a just a few examples. As you can seem some stuff us doable and some isn’t.
Post # 9
@adoc86: I think I am reading it a bit differently. I do not necessarily advocate the list approach but I do think it is important to communicate your wants, needs, and expectations in a relationship. It is also important to address anything you aren’t getting. A list of flaws would not go over well, but I’m (usually) happy to hear constructive criticism.
OP, I think we need more insight into what this list entails before we can comment. A behavioural change that is something like, “don’t yell when we fight, I prefer to have a rational discussion” is perfectly acceptable to me. A behavioural change like, “I expect you to do all of the household chores” is not. It really depends what he said and if they are changes you want to make.
Post # 10
@Em0038: I’m so sorry you’re going throug this. But it really sounds like you’ll be better off in the long run. Hang in there, ecery day will get a little easier
Post # 11
I understand you are very hurt by this but can you imagine what your life would look like if you were to marry him and have kids with him? He sounds like he can’t sympathize with your medical issues and that’s not ok. If he’s tired of the way you are because of your medical issues then that’s on him, it’s not right for him to place the blame on you.
My FI works very hard, I very rarely bitch at him to do housework because I know he’s tired and works really hard every day. A relationship is about being a team, and it’s not always about doing this evenly. Him giving you a list of things to change is so wrong. Maybe this is for the best, I can’t imagine you want to deal with that for the rest of your life.
Post # 12
Have you thought about or discussed going to therapy TOGETHER? I know you mentioned that you see a therapist for your bipolar disorder, but maybe seeing a couples counselor could help both of you understand each other’s wants and needs better. If that doesn’t work, it may just be time to move on, as hard as that is. It seems like you’re willing to work to change some of the things he’s asked for, but he needs to work too, if he wants the relationship to improve.
Post # 13
@MrsPanda99: I get what you’re saying. I think the idea of the list bothers me so much because it implies (at least to me)that there are many issues. I don’t consider 2-3 things to be a list, but maybe some people would consider it to be one. If my FI has 5+ major issues with me, issues that support us breaking up, then I would hope that he would have addressed those individual problems before it grew to that extent! If I have even one big problem with my FI then I go to him and we discuss it, let alone an entire list! I think it would be daunting to receive a long list like that. Why didn’t you talk to me early on?
Post # 14
@adoc86: That’s very true. I guess we lucky then because neither of us can keep our mouths shut when something bother us, lol. My list would be a list of one thing because it would need to be addressed right away. I can imagine a lot of anger, resentment, and bitterness building up otherwise. I guess it also stands to reason that if you find your partner so despicable then why are you together to begin with? Either you ignored the traits when you first started dating or your partner has drastically changed. Neither are great options :-
Post # 15
So you had a timeline discussion and he gave you a list of things you have to accomplish before he will follow through?
Woah. Just woah. While is it crucial to express your feelings and needs In a relationship, it’s also important to do it in a reasonable and mature fashion. Had you guys discussed the idea and each made lists of things you’d like out of the relationship and given them to each other, then this could be a really reasonable and even a good idea. Sometimes writing things down is way easier for people, it is for me so I can relate!
But if you asked for a timeline and he handed you a list, well that’s a little different. Definitely not the right approach, that’s for sure.
If he’s still up to talk, I think you should explain that you balkes at the list because you felt blindsided. Explain how that made you feel and why you reacted the way you did and then propose a do over, where you both write a list and give them to each other. You’ll be more able to look at his list with an open mind, knowing that he’s looking at the list you have written.
Its a win win and I think f you suggest this all to him rationally, he’ll be up for discussion. Because realistically, the solution provides for his needs as well!
Post # 16
I’m really sorry this is happening to you, I’d be devastated. I’m interested to know what he listed. If he is being unreasonable, I’m glad that he was honest and shared it with you now rather than marrying you and then making you feel like a terrible wife.