(Closed) Blissfully engaged on Christmas Eve and he needs more space on New Years Day

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow. I am so sorry that things came about like that.

it sounds to me like there is only one solution to this. have a sit down and thoroughly discuss all of your concerns open and honestly. Let him voice his and try to listen actively. Sounds like he has some frigid freaking feet and with 3 divorces under his belt, can you blame him?

 Perhaps, at this point, if you really want to stick with him, the best idea might be to start over. Call off the engagement and go back to dating for a while. proposing and selling your house are two awfully big stressors…he may have just bitten off more than he can chew and is just experiencing anxiety.

If he is not answering or calling back, let him know that you’ll be there when he’s ready to talk.

I sincerely hope everything works out for the best.

lots of love!

Post # 4
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Stunned:  Yes, it sounds like you have been dumped. I’m so sorry. 

It doesn’t really matter why he did what he did. Right now you need to focus on yourself. Don’t contact him again. Do you have a network of friends/family to support you? 

If he does get back in touch, he will have some major explaining to do. You must take a long time before you even consider dating him again. It might be better for you to be alone than be with him. What he did was unacceptable, for so many reasons. If he truly dumped you, he did it in the most cowardly, disrespectful, shitty way possible. If he still thinks he wants a relationship, then he’s treating you like shit right now. It is not okay to unilaterally cut off contact. It is not okay to make such a major decision without any discussion, and without warning. It is not okay to sneak his stuff out while you shower. What the hell was that about?!?!! What a dick. And it’s all especially wrong to do these things after proposing to you.

And don’t even think about how drunk you were the night before. You could’ve spent all night vomiting tequila ON HIS FACE and it still wouldn’t begin to justify his actions.

Yes, the more I think about your situation, the angrier I am at him. He has been a real asshole.

I hope you get angry, too — that’s better than being sad/confused — then pick up and be awesome. Without him.

Post # 5
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

And yes, you should definitely keep the ring. If things don’t work out, sell it.

Post # 6
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you dodged a bullet.

It doesn’t sound like he has the emotional maturity required for a healthy, adult relationship. It seems like he has a history of acting on his feeling in the moment instead of thinking about the long term consequences of his actions. You know? His wife doesn’t want to have sex, so instead of trying counseling or working through it, he has an affair. He’s totally in love after two months of dating, so he marries someone before really getting to know whether they’re financially compatible or even trustworthy. And I’m not just bagging on quick engagements – my parents were engaged after three months and are still blissfully married – but this seems like a real pattern with this guy. Fall super duper in love very fast, get married, then take off when a problem arises instead of trying to work it out or understanding that relationships ebb and flow, and you’ve got to just ride it out sometimes. (And don’t forget that you’re only hearing one side of the story re: his prior marriages.) It seems like he hasn’t figured out yet that *everyone* is head over heels in the first few months of a new relationship… and it sounds like he is just chasing that honeymoon period, over and over.

I know it must be really horribly awful right now, but from an outsider’s perspective, I really think you dodged a bullet with this guy. Someone so immature and impulsive was never going to make the kind of husband or partner that you deserve. I’m wishing you all the best, and hoping that this hurt begins to heal very soon.

Post # 7
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Honey it IS a rebound relationship. And I was in a similiar situation (although I am a bit younger than you).

First of all, the early stages of love are heavenly and it is very easy to get carried away. I tell the young ones that ALL love relationships start out grand or it wouldn’t be called falling in love! I sincerely believe it takes at least a couple of years to find out what a person is REALLY like.

He has been married three times. Sure he could just have some awful luck. But there are really are two sides to every story. After a while, you might find out there was a lot more behind those divorces than what he is telling you.

It sounds like the proposal was an impulsive one. I think that although it must be disappointing, it is surely better than a miserable marriage and going through another divorce! Let this one go!

 

Post # 8
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@Stunned:  wow, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. He proposed of his own volition, so it seems strange that he’s suddenly changed his mind. If he’s having problems, he needs to be open and honest with you – not leave things up in the air and you wondering if this is permanent or not. He’s being so unfair. 

As hard as it is, give him the space he asked for. Sounds like he’s dealing with his own issues that have nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, you’re the one who’s suffering for it. 

He may come back, but you have to honestly ask yourself – does this seem like the kind of man you can depend on? Who just walks away with no real explanation? He might have a stellar excuse, but honestly, I think you deserve better.

again, I’m sorry this is happening 🙁 I wish you all the best.

Post # 9
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@KatieBklyn:  Have to agree. OP, the fact that he was steering your relationship on like a bull at a gate, then all of a sudden has fallen out of love with you when you do something he has a minor issue with, sounds like he has some issues with relationships that he needs to work out. I would agree with some of the PP that this may be a relationship better left alone. 

Post # 10
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You dodged a bullet. Who proposes to someone so soon after so many failed marriages? It sounds like HE is someone with major issues. Walk away and take your time to really get to know someone next time.

I mean, think about it, 4 months ago you didn’t even know who this guy was!!!!

Post # 12
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You barely know him. I would just let it go.

Post # 13
Member
5310 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

You were a rebound. This also seems to be a pattern for him. Fortunately this time around he actually called it off before it went towards marriage. You yourself ought to have broken it off as soon as you found out he lied about being divorced, in my opinion. That is hardly an oversight.

I do not consider this mental abuse at all. Emotionally immature and unaware, yes. I am not sure why you are trying to make him feel as bad as possible or taking on the mission of telling him what he needs to do or should not do in his life going forward. Not your responsibility or your business. Nor should you be with someone who needs “fixing” to be with you. Honestly, neither of you sounds in a good place right now to be getting involved with others.

I respect you have feelings for him and this is a shock for you given he had just proposed, but you met the guy four months ago. Be grateful he gave you the change to dodge this bullet early on. He does not exactly have a great track record here and no one says “the fourth time is the charm”.

In sum, let him go. Stop wasting your time trying to analyse this and move forward.

 

Post # 14
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Stunned:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. Best wishes. 

Post # 15
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Stunned:  I’m sorry, that really sucks.  First, I would say that you were probably a rebound.  It really sucks to hear that, but I was there once.  I dated a guy – it was only for like 2 months, but I feel hard and fast for him and he allowed it (even though I expressed concern about me being a rebound and he assured me that wasn’t the case).  Then one day, “things were too serious” and he broke it off and I was stunned.  Even though we only dated 2 months, it took me a really long time to get over him.  I find it more difficult to get over the short relationships because it’s so much harder to find something wrong with the person to latch on to and use as your fuel to get over (that’s just how I am). About a year later, I dated another guy for just over a year.  I fell hard for him (not as fast – took me about 3 months before I would admit to liking him at all) around the 6 month mark – we lasted about 14 months.  I broke it up, but it was because he had checked out of the relationship already.  I met my now FI 2 weeks after we broke up, but I was SO hurt over the end of that relationship and I cried so much – even with my FI.  Now, we talk about how silly that was – but I did need time to get over the relationship and heal.  And I had feelings for my ex for quite a while (although I fell for my FI immediately and knew he was “the one” from the start and that helped me stay away from my ex and move on).  But, I was always honest w/ my FI about my feelings. 

The moral of my stories are – you were that man’s rebound because he was never open and honest with you about his feelings.  He probably wasn’t very open about his feelings to himself, either.  He never allowed himself to heal or allowed you to be his friend and help him heal.  I think it’s time to move on.  It’s hard and it hurts, but you can do it.  It was only about 4 months and they say it takes half as long as the relationship to get over the person – so in 2 months, you should be good.  Personally, I think it takes me just as long as the relationship – but even then, it would only be 4 more months. Sorry this happened! 

Post # 16
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Stunned:  Sell the ring, and use whatever $$ you get on something frivolous for yourself. Maybe take a class. Try a new hobby.

Good luck, hopefully with the perspective time provides you will see you are really better off without this lying man.

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