Blissfully happy and very sad at the same time? Long sorry

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@smileyme: I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much.

The huge huge elephant in the room that I think will need to be addressed with your therapist ASAP is that you have GOT to learn how to take care of your own needs before you take care of other people’s. The one major throughline of everything you described is that you do not value taking care of yourself on the same level that you value taking care of others (including your job). That is not healthy, and it’s not fair to anybody in your life, including yourself and your husband. If you don’t take care of yourself, other people will be forced to step up (by necessity) to care for you in your extreme reactions to not caring for yourself (anxiety attacks, health issues, emotional turmoil–or, perhaps it is more likely that you withdraw emotionally to “protect” others from your sadness/anxiety/etc. This is equally damaging to your relationships.). How would you act if you only had to worry about caring for yourself? You’ve got to start finding your voice in work and in your personal relationships so that you are living a much more balanced life. That’s a huge undertaking that will probably take some serious therapeutic help to achieve, but it’s a necessary one IMO. 

Post # 4
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@smileyme:  My heart goes out to you. I hope that 2014 is a better year for you.

Please know that you will get through this. Share your sadness with your therapist. Do not worry about how she will decide what to priorize as far as your care- anxiety, sadness- that’s her job to figure out.

I agree with the pp that it would be a  positive change to priorize yourself. Give your self permission to be selfish. It’s not always a bad thing.

Schedule  some dates with yourself into your calendar. Put them in ink or use the calendar on your phone. Make these times as important as any other plans. Take a long hot bath. Read a book, Go for a walk.

I know it’s hard to start exercising  when you are overweight- a few years ago I lost 110 lbs. I started by walking to the end of the block and back. I gradually increased the distance as I gained fitness and lost pounds.

You sound like a loving, caring, generous person. Time to show yourself some love.

Post # 6
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@smileyme: OH, honey, it is so challenging (for women especially) to treat ourselves with the same compassion & care that we treat other people with. But it is absolutely necessary, and selfish/irresponsible in a different way to not care for ourselves. I’m still on that journey, to learn to love & care for myself after years of putting other people first. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

No great advice, but sending warm thoughts your way!

Post # 8
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So sorry to hear this 🙁 I get bad anxiety episodes as well.  The thing that helps me most is actually exercise–whether I go to the gym or just do a few pushups and crunches in my living room, I always feel better.  I will go about 30 minutes, as easy or as hard as I want to, and listen to my favorite music while I do it (and I try to download new stuff off iTunes to keep it interesting).  

Another thing that has helped in the past is keeping a journal–I would write in it every night before I went to bed, when I was most relaxed.  It was really helpful to get on paper all the things that were stressing me out.  I also took the time to go shopping for a really gorgeous journal that I loved, and was excited to pick up every night.  I hope that whatever you do, you will resist the urge to fulfill every need of every other person in your life.  You can’t possibly fix their problems, nor be at their beck and call, and you deserve better treatment than that!

Post # 9
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@smileyme:  I hope you feel better and am glad your DH remains supportive! It does sound like a lot of the stress is coming from your job, which you said you need to support two mortgages. Is there any possibility at all for you to drop one of your mortgages? I’m of the belief that home ownership can become a financial trap if it is a financial burden, and in that case, i advocate for selling a home and downsizing to make the rest of your life a little easier for you and allows you to work part-time.

I also agree with PPs that it’s okay for you to let the people who are dependent on you know that you’re having a tough time right now and are not in a position to support them 100%. It will hurt them but if they’re a good friend they will understand and give you space. 

Post # 10
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@smileyme:  Also, for the woman who called you fake friends, if she doesn’t like you, her loss! You sound like a great person. UNFRIEND her on FB so you never have to hear about her rants.

Post # 12
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Why are you making yourself ill paying not only your mortgage but your in-laws’ mortgage too?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

I think that you may be in the early stages of burn out.  This is where someone works too hard and doesn’t’ take care of themselves.  Often the person tries to cope by working harder and harder until they reach a stage of total exhaustion.

Some ideas: I think the first thing is to deal with the work.  Ask your boss for a meeting and ask what is being done about the two-person workload.  Take in a list of what your tasks are and how long you think they will take.  Say which ones are a priority and then be clear that there isn’t time to do the rest.  Your boss can change the priorities but cannot change the fact that there is clearly too much to do.  Make sure that you take minutes of the meeting and email the minutes to your boss.

Then have a long weekend off work.  Have a short vacation away from everything.  Strictly no housework.   You need time to recuperate.

You need to talk to your husband about finances.  You should be working to pay your own mortgage primarily.  This is because you and your husband’s primary loyalty is to one another.  This is part of what marriage is about.  Plus you need to build a life together.  If your in-laws need financial help then you and your husband need to discuss what financial help you can offer.  This should not involve you making yourself I’ll through overwork.  Nor should it make you so poor that you have to move in with them.

Forget the person who insulted you on Facebook.  Just block her.  She’s the fake, not you.

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors