(Closed) Blood Boiling and trying not to punch her in the face!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I must be missing something (like your past history with your stepmom) but that doesnt sound like a bad email. It sounds like an email from someone who was left out of the loop and is a little sad, but understanding, that she wont be involved with the whole morning.

I would call, not email, her and say to her the conversation you had with your father. And if you are comfortable, invite her at the end of the “getting ready” session for a few pictures.

Post # 3
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I must be really dense. What is wrong with her email? I’ll go back and read for a third time.

Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I may be misunderstanding the situation.  She just sounds hurt and pssive aggressive.  I can understand how annoying and frustrating it is (I have a few of these in my family), but sounds like she is fishing for some reassurance of what will happen that day (in a very passive aggressive annoying way).  I would run down the list of how things will go and when you will see them.  You don’t have to be sweet- just matter of fact – but not rude.  Perhaps some pictures with her and your dad before the ceremony (when you get there) will be in order?  I don’t know.  Sorry…it is frustrating, I know.

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I really don’t see why you are so angry. It sounds like she is really hurt, and your dad probably didn’t relay the situation.  I didn’t see that email as anything but her feeling hurt and wanting to be a part of the day. Do you really think she would cause drama if she got ready with you and your mom?

Post # 5
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know its a bit passive aggresive in parts but I’m not sure exactly what it is thats getting you so wound up. Sounds like she didn’t know you were getting ready elsewhere?

Maybe I’m missing something?

Post # 6
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Are you cancelling the makeup professional?

I would call her….with email tones always get lost.

She probably doesnt know why you moved locations and thinks you may have done it in spite…call her and explain. Since she has been a aprt of your life since you were 11 and always will be most likely I would also make a time for you and her to share a moment while you are getting ready.

Either way…phone call is necessary

Post # 7
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly, I agree with the PPs – she sounds like she was looking forward to be there while you get ready and is now hurt that she isn’t going to be a part of it. Yes, it does sound a little “woe is me” but that’s probably because she is hurt but doesn’t want to be confrontational because she realizes that Mom trumps Stepmom is wedding stuff. You should be pissed at your Dad for not being upfront with Stepmom, rather than be upset with her.

Post # 10
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh ok–so she’s the reason you’re not getting ready there, and she’s now e-mailing you to complain about how you’re not getting ready there, hoping you’ll choose her over your own mother? Yuck.

I’m sure it’s tempting to lob a big fat verbal smackdown, but if she thrives on drama and is out to bruise some feelings, then a kind note to say, “Of course I’ll send pictures, so sorry you can’t join us,” might be the way to go.

Post # 11
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

coming from a family with a similar history (parents divorced at 11, my dad remarried at 12)…talk directly to your step mom and be honest.  Just say that you would really love to have all of your parents together while you get ready, or at least get ready somewhere so that all parents have access on that day to you.  That she, your dad, and your mom are each a large part of your life and that you want that day to be surrounded with love and support.

I would also include that the only reason you got a hotel was because your dad said that she didn’t feel comfortable with your mother coming over.  With a hotel it allows everyone to be able to be there and will hopefully avoid any drama.  Also, that you would still like her to get ready with you, your mom, and the girls if that’s something she’s willing to do as your mom will be there, and you understand if she isn’t comfortable with that.

This way it’s putting it in her court to be mature…or not 🙂

Good Luck!

Post # 12
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ejs1228:  “Oh, the reason I’m not getting ready at her house is becasue she didn’t want my mom around.”

But you don’t really know this, right?  You don’t know if your father even discussed it with her.  All you know is that you asked your dad and he said he’d check with her and then said he’d set you up in a hotel.

Verbal communication is key in instances like this.  I agree with the other posters that I don’t see anything wrong with her email, and if anything, she is probably completely in the dark with what is going on.

I would CALL her and explain that your dad suggested the hotel because of the awkwardness of having your mom there.  Explain to her that you’d still like her there to help you get ready (if you do).

Put yourself in her shoes – how would you feel if you were planning on helping your step-daughter get ready for her big day, you had a professional makeup artist coming over … and then wham, you find out your daughter is now getting ready at a hotel.  She’s probabyl completely lost on what is going on.

Post # 13
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hugs! This really sounds like a case of you can’t please everyone in the wedding kind of situation. Is she aware that you could have gotten pictures with both her and your mom if you got ready at their house? Sounds like a failed adult maturity moment to me. I agree that she’s sounding over dramatic and passive aggressive in the email. The best you can do is try to get some group/family pics with her to placate the situation. 

Post # 14
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@ejs1228:

1) Tell her to stop by for pictures at the END of the getting ready session so she is only there for 30 minutes. You dont have to babysit her. Remember your relationship with her is important to your dad likely. So do it for him.

2) You sure can tell her that. “Dad mentioned you didn’t love the idea of mom getting ready with me at your house, so he offered to get me the hotel room instead”

3) See number 1

4) Yes, because it (as the email indicates) affects you and your relationship both with your step mom and dad.

And do all this in a conversation with your step mom. Talking directly and causes less miscommunication.

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