BM’s mom doesn't want her going to bachelorette/shower….

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Your sister is an adult; she can make her own decisions. If her mother is getting in the way of her doing that, it’s her problem and not yours. I’m sorry that this is the situation, but your sister should be the one to stand up to her mother.

Post # 4
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

@Artificial-Sweetener:  +1! What would happen if she comes down without her mom’s approval? 

With my parents, I was responsible for my own doings when I left for college. Even when I’m home on holidays, I never have to ask permission to do anything. Some of my friends will say ‘Oh let me make sure that’s ok with my mom’ when I try to make plans and they’re home, and I think it’s ridiculous.  Her mom can’t tell her what and what not to do unless she’s holding things like tuition over her head, and in that case she would be incredibly manipulative and ridiculous.

Post # 5
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

@Artificial-Sweetener:  +1 I would go anyway if I was your sister. shes 18 and this is her sisters bridal shower/bachelorette party. Something not to miss!

although im sure she doesnt want to upset her mom. Maybe you both could conf. call her in and both explain how much it means for her to go. Plus now is the best time to leave for the weekend, before school gets really focused and tests and big projects start coming up.

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@delovely13:  I’m a terrible person, and here’s why.

She’s 18, she’s an adult, and I would totally be like “Come anyway! You planned it, and no one is more excited about it than you!”

Mama needs to learn to cut the apron strings! And trust her kid’s judgement!

Post # 7
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

At 18 she’s legally an adult, yes? So while your stepmother is entitled to an opinion, she cannot prevent your sister from attending. Also, one weekend away from college won’t wreck her education or the chance of settling in properly. 

Post # 8
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think she should go!  I think she would be way bummed missing it.  And I think if she’s going to college out of state and her mom is that controlling, her attending your bachelorette/bridal parties should be the least of her moms worries. LOL

Post # 9
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

She should come anyways. In my opinion, once your child is in college, you can’t dictate their schedule ESPECIALLY if it’s just for a weekend, and doesn’t even interfere with school.

Post # 10
Member
6900 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Vent away, but I think you are right to leave it alone.  

Post # 11
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@delovely13:  You’re sister is not only an adult at 18, but and adult as a college student. Let her know the dates for things, and if she can make the arrangements herself, she can get herself to your weekend events. The mom needs to learn to let her kids grow up….

Post # 12
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@delovely13:  she should come being that she is so excited about it. It’s just one weekend. I don’t think that it’s really a big deal. 

Post # 13
penguinMember
3507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

Great advice here! This is your sister’s problem, not yours. Not worth it to drive a wedge between you over an indirect problem. Save your arguments for something that affects you directly – if your sister has a problem with her mother’s overbearingness, that’s her bridge to cross. 

I’d play neutral on this one. Keep telling your sister how thrilled you’d be for her to attend your events, but understanding if she can’t. The worst thing you can do is pit daughter against mother!

Post # 14
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@delovely13:  Ignore her mother’s requests to be in the loop. I assume you have your sister’s phone number or facebook or email? Then bypass the mother and contact your sister directly. Your sister is an adult, her mother has no right to be middle-woman in your communication.

Don’t even mention the bachelorette in your email to her mom about the dress. Send your sister a separate email with information about the bachelorette, and let her decide.

Post # 15
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@delovely13:  Touchy subject- I have a stepmom and a half bro (who’s in my wedding, but he’s 14)….but especially with this woman not even being your stepmom anymore, I would have kept contact with sister + bro in the first place- they are both adults.

I think your sister should make her OWN decision (she IS 18!), and you should support whichever decision SHE makes (which it sounds like you will!)- 

while I am all for being respectful- I’m pretty sure if from the start- I would have kept communications strictly between the siblings- and told ex stepmom- thanks, but is (half sis) needs assistance from you (stepmom)- then she can let you know, otherwise I’ll just talk to her.

Even for my wedding- of course my parents are involved in it, but I will be giving my 14 yr old bro the group number for his tux fitting on his own- and he knows how to handle the rest.  He also knows if he needs help, he can ask me- generally speaking if I can’t get a hold of bro- if I try to talk to parents they’re like “talk to him!”lol

Post # 16
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Mamma needs to cut the cord.  One weekend away from school will not affect her negativly at alll.  If she wants to come she could come.  I’m not big on lying but how would her mom even know if your sister came down, granted she find somewhere else to sleep?  It’s not that big of a deal to leave for ONE weekend.  Don’t say anything to the mom and tell your sister you would love for her to come down for the weekend if she feels comfortable leaving school.  If she says something in regards to her mom, ask her straight up “Does your mom really get a say in what you as an adult do with your free time?”

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