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I agree that the baby doesn't need to be there for the ceremony, but maybe as a compromise you could allow her to have the baby at the reception. If she is breast feeding, she will not be comfortable and will not have a good time for that long a period. Chances are the grandmother will take the baby home early anyway.
I think that what futuremominlaw suggested would be a great compromise. If this is going to be her first time away from her baby, she will probably be worried about her baby, unless she knows it is close by.
I agree not allowing it to the ceremony but to the reception. need to draw the line somehow! p.s also if you allow the grandma to come the reception does that throw your numbers out?
I agree with the above pps. Even if you have a lond church ceremony, I don't see that it should be a problem for her to be without him for about an hour. (But perhaps if she is getting ready with you, her mom can swing by for him to get some boob juice? (If she is a die hard breast feeder, I'd like to think she has done at least some pumping, however.) And really if he gets fussy and wants a snack, is she going to be the one to leave, or breast feed him right there? No.
But I think it would be fine to have him at the reception. It sounds like Gramma can watch him. but if he needs to be fed, BM can take care of that easily enough.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I guess the reason I am kind of peeved about it is that we had already discussed her coming solo, pumping breastmilk before hand, and her mother looking after the baby while she attended the wedding. I was planning an adults-only event.
We are having a small wedding - 50 guests. I feel like the loud music and all the strangers at the reception wouldn't make for a very happy environment for a 6 month old baby. Maybe I am wrong though? Or just being selfish?
All I know is, FI is dead set against having children at the wedding, and I need to take his wishes into account too, becuase its our wedding, not just mine.
I think I'll just reinforce that it is an adults only wedding, and if she wants to leave early to be with her baby, by all means do so.
I know it's frustrating that you felt like this issue was overwith and then she reopened it. I'm guessing that when you originally talked about it she thought that by the time of you wedding she would be fine leaving her baby.. but as the time got closer.. she decided she just wasn't ready. I do think it's a fair compromise that the baby go to one event or the other. Honestly, you really can't tell someone that they have to leave their breastfeeding baby at home. And when it comes right down to it.. you probably won't notice and/or care if the baby is fussy.. you'll be too wrapped up in the fact that it's your wedding day. Right before my processional started and the church was COMPLETELY quite because the organist had just stopped his prelude.. my baby cousin looked up and yells "Uh Oh!". The whole church burst out laughing. People (esp. his parents) were so afraid that my husband and I were going to be pissed! We both thought it was hysterical... hubs said it totally took all of his nervousness right out of him. My other friend had her breastfeeding baby with her through out the day. She never made a peep until the very end of the night when the music got to loud for her. My friend went to the bride's room for a quite place, breast fed the baby.. and then headed home.
I'm not a huge fan of children at weddings. But when I think of children at weddings I think of those bratty pre-schoolers and grade schoolers who are loud and obnoxious and whine and cry and run around like maniacs.
The six month old won't be doing much of that and she will probably leave early anyway. I'd suggest having no babies at the ceremony.. but as to the reception, I don't see the big deal.
That being said, it is your wedding and if you are set on having no babies at the ceremony, stick with it.
I'd tell her "No" - ONLY because you already discussed this with her and she'd said she was coming solo. She's the one who wants to change things now and they don't work with what you've planned. If she had said early on "I can only come if I can bring my baby" then you would have known they were a packaged deal - it's impolite of her to decide to change her plans now and expect you to arrange things around her.
I know I might be in the minority here but if I were in your shoes I would allow her to bring the baby to the ceremony and not the reception. She wasn't planning on bringing her husband, so adding her mother to the guest list for the reception would not only go against what you had previously discussed but it would be an added expense since you're adding another person you hadn't planned on. That's 1 more table setting, 1 more favor, etc.
I don't mind babies in church - but I do agree with you that a loud reception might not be the best place if there's no other children present. Plus, there's always the chance that other guests will see the baby and wonder why they weren't allowed to bring their children as well... Good luck!
I am in a similar situation with my FSIL. The baby will be around 6 months too. She will still be breast-feeding, but will also be pumping. I feel like as long as she has a place to pump that it should be okay but still haven't talked to her because I'm scared! I've also considered getting her mom a room or letting them use one of our rooms so that the baby and mom are nearby. (This is my FI's brother's wife, so her mom is someone we barely know).
I do not want crying at my wedding or for the baby to be the center of attention (I know this sounds bad, but still.) I want to say no, but totally realize how delicate the situation is.
I am in the same situation. My wedding is next March and I told both of my friends ahead of time that I am having an adults only wedding and reception. One friend was really understanding (she is also a Bridesmaid) and her Mom is keeping the baby. The other friend got offended and is not coming. I am totally okay with the friend that is not coming. She couldn't see my side at all and started talking about the joys of being a parent. If she can't make an exception for my special day then it's better if she stays home.
I say stick to your guns. We are having a wedding with 45 people and we both want an adults only event. It's you and your Fiance's day and you should have what you want.
So...I told my BM, and she "understands...BUT" and then I told me how she is still breastfeeding every three hours, doesn't want to pump, baby doesn't take well to a bottle, doesn't want to leave the baby with her mother for a few hours. She now says she is only staying for the ceremony and will have to leave after that. I feel awful!! :( :( I don't have a baby, so I can only imagine how difficult it is to leave your baby for a while, but she is leaving it with her mother, not a stranger!
I already told another couple they couldn't bring their children, so I just feel it would be unfair to make exceptions for certain people. I hope she understands :(
Woooow...just read her response to you. I think it's good you stuck to your guns & drew the line at the ceremony. While I'm not a mom, all my friends (including one of my BMs) are & NONE of them have brought their babies to the last wedding in our group. Of the 5 moms invited, 3 attended sans baby (left at home with grandparents), 1 attended with grandma & baby in a hotel room upstairs (she went up to breast feed & later, she & two other moms still breast-feeding went up for a "pump party"), & 1 opted to stay home for the ceremony (to breast feed & put baby to sleep), then came afterwards just to the reception & left baby with her mom. All those compromises seemed reasonable & allowed them to participate in the Adults Only affair. Can any of these be an option for your BM? Having spoken with all my friends about the issue, I garner from them that asking for an Adults Only wedding is TOTALLY reasonable, most especially if all moms are local to the wedding. It is MUCH harder for OOT parents. However, that being said, our wedding is kid-friendly & all babies & kids of all guests are invited to ours. Of the 6 children & 5 babies of the parents that are attending, all 6 kids are coming but only the 3 OOT babies are actually attending the ceremony, & all 5 are NOT attending the reception (yet ALL parents are coming to ALL events)...all per the parents. My local friends have given my OOT friends & family suggestions for babysitters (mostly to sit in the room while the babies sleep) & local friends are all using their own family members for the same purpose. Maybe you could suggest one of the above options to your BM? Good Luck!
Ok... here's the deal. You can't control that the baby isn't taking the bottle well. Your BM needs to be able to nurse, and as her friend, it sounds like you're trying really hard to be understanding and find a solution, which is really sweet of you. :)
You know what they say about "best laid plans", right? ;)
I just want to tell you, I am in the EXACT same situation as you. Except, like, times 8. Potentially 8 1wk-8 month old babies at my "Adults Only" wedding and reception. I am asking them to have one parent hold the baby outside during the reception or sit by the door in case they cry. And for the reception- you would be AMAZED at the ability that a baby has to sleep through a loud reception. I was just at a wedding a couple of weeks ago, and out of 4 children there (3 infants, 1 3 year old flower girl) the ONLY child that made a peep or was fussy was the flower girl. Those babies slept right through the reception, and it was QUITE the party. Loud music, lots of drinking and shenanigans.
If you are dead set against it- Is there a hotel next door to your venue (or is your venue a hotel?)? Maybe BMs mom can get a room and "babysit" while BM is at the wedding and she can pop back and forth to feed her baby and still enjoy your wedding.
Is it possible she wants to be with her baby and is asking if her mother can come so she can make sure the baby is quiet or take her outside if she gets fussy? If she's still breastfeeding, it can be hard to get a baby to take any other milk so she may want her there before or after the ceremony to feed her.
ETA - Im sure she is telling the truth when she says the baby doesnt take well to a bottle. My cousin couldnt/wouldnt let her baby stay overnight with the dad because she was breastfeeding and he woudlnt take a bottle even when she pumped. Its totally understandable that she would need to feed every few hours.
I think you need to be a bit more understanding of your BMs situation. There is a big difference between having a breast-feeding baby at your ceremony/reception and a bunch of hyper 3-10 year olds running around. Other guests who had hoped to bring their young children will understand this difference.
When you're breastfeeding and the baby won't take a bottle well, there isn't much you can do to feed them besides breastfeeding ..... and the baby has to eat! It doesn't seem she is uncomfortable leaving the baby with her mother since she won't be with her baby but more she knows her mother can't really feed the baby.
I'd let her bring the baby under the stipulation that if the baby gets fussy someone takes him/her outside quickly. That way, your BM won't be stressing about weather her young child is eating and you will still get to enjoy your reception with someone who you are obviously close to (since she is your BM).
@ Ms. Pascua and Miss Root - great suggestions! SHe is an OOT guest, so I totally understand that it makes it harder. Her mom lives a four hour drive away, and she was going to visit her family anyway, then drive up with her mom and baby for the wedding.
Our venue is a private residence in a residential neighborhood, and my BM booked a hotel about a 10 min drive away. I suggested she bring her baby to all the "pre wedding" stuff (hair, makeup, etc), feed the baby right before we take off for the ceremony, and then perhaps should could leave right before the beginning of the reception to go check on baby, and come back for a little while after she is done feeding him? That might work. Grandma would be spending time with the little guy at the hotel anyways.
Wow, that is very frustrating. I think you did the right thing by sticking to your guns about the ceremony. I wish I had that luxury, I have 11 neices and nephews between the ages of 12 and infancy and I simply can't tell my brothers and sister to not bring them, but if I could and they weren't immediate family, I so would. Especially a 6 month old that feeds every three hours and doesn't take well to a bottle, kinda sounds like he could be fussy :/ I understand where you are coming from and at this point, your BM knew what she agreed to, and now has to either keep her word or bail on the reception. You are in the right in my opinion.
i totally feel your pain. this i fear will come up for us at our wedding when it gets closer - being that the moms are mostly OOT and while they were ok with no kids before, they are likely to try and change their mind when it gets closer because i strongly suspect some of them think i will easily change my mind.
how long is your reception? is the baby feeding every hour or something? theres bound to be a space somewhere away from teh festivities where baby can nap and sleep while mom gets her groove on and then comes back up to feed him afterwards.
most babies that age sleep alot anyway???
let us know how it turns out - im interested to hear what the different solutions to this are, because i will definately be usign some of these suggestions.
@ spaganya - it seems to have all blown up in my face! She doesn't want to do any of the suggested options - and seems to think I am unreasonable for suggesting them. She thought she should be the exception to the "no kids" rule because she is breastfeeding every 3 hours. She said her mom would "guarantee" that the baby wouldn't make any noise (last I checked, babies do whatever the heck they please!).
I just feel like that has put a whole damper on the wedding experience. She sent me another email to make me feel even more guilty. I feel now like if I want her there, I will have to concede and allow the baby to come the reception - now I just have to convince FI of the same thing. I absolutely will not allow the baby to come to the ceremony though.
Bummer...it sounded like it would all work out. I guess you just need to put it behind you and make the best of it. Maybe the baby will sleep the entire time like some of the other posters mentioned...
i kinda feel like shame on her for putting you in this position. this was over and done with she knows how you and your FH feel about this. and its very inconsiderate. all the of the things that have been suggested will totally work.
she doesnt sound very reasonable. :( its like shes holding a hard line hoping you will cave.
i CANNOT have children at the ceremony - we are paying A TON of money for the cinematography for the wedding and i will NOT have crying babies or annoying children in the soundtrack.
I really dont understand why her mom cant wait outside of the venues - the ceremony wont last that long, and actually neither will the reception. what does she plan on doing having the baby on her hip?
it just sounds so unreasonable...
Ugh, that's frustrating. We have two surprise 9 month olds coming to our wedding too, but they're the children of guests, not bridesmaids, so it's a bit easier to deal with. Is her mother partcularly close to you that she would want to be at the ceremony regardless of the baby situation? If not, I don't see why she can't wait at the hotel during the ceremony with the baby, and if it's only 10 minutes away just have your bridesmaid pop in there, or have her mom make a quick visit to the venue for a feeding, and then return to the party?
But... I don't have children, so what do I know.
Ugh...I'm speaking from friend experience here: She is being totally unreasonable to not meet you half-way on ANY of the suggestions. Nor does she seem to consider that she is burning a bridge with any friendly relationship with your FI...he's going to be part of the rest of YOUR life &, if SHE wants to be part of it, too, she should consider that it's HIS wedding as well as yours.
As I stated earlier, my mom-friends TOTALLY worked with our mutual friends' Adult-Only reception...all of them are first-time moms, all totally devoted to their children (two cut their jobs to part-time work to be with their kids most days). So, while I understand the need to be considerate to your BM's new role as mother, she should understand her role as your friend is to be supportive of your decisions, especially on this day of all days & work WITH you.
Sorry, I tapped out on all suggestions the first post...just wanted to comiserate & let you know that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
Not to seem uncompassionate but I'm in agreement with Ms. Pascua. All of the bees offered great suggestions and for her to shoot them all down and not show any sort or flexibility whatsoever is almost hypocritical in a way. She expects you to bend rules for her while your family didn't get the same prvilages. Your BM could at least stay for dinner and head home after, I don't think it's impossible for her to leave her child for an extra 2 hours. She alraedy knew the stipulations of the wedding and agreed to them before.
When I first read your post I held back from responding. I'm not a mother myself but have many friends with young children... most of them whom I've babysat for so that my friends could go to weddings and other events. Your wedding is a month from now and it's likely her child could be able to take a bottle more comfortably by then... most 7 months olds (I believe you mentinoed that the baby is 6 mo right now) are capable of doing so by this age. It's just for one day. That's the way that I see it. Hope you both can come to a compromise.
I absolutely agree with the other posters, she is being unresasonable. You can't bend to her wishes, just because she has a 6 month old who could become fussy. No one can judge how a baby is going to act, because they are helpless and defenseless themselves. I am 6 months pregnant, and if I were going to a wedding, I would definitely have my Mom babysit for me if it were an adult only reception. Plus, I don't think she would completely be enjoying herself if she had to worry about the baby during the whole ceremony and reception.
What she needs to do is be there for you, this is your day, and she needs to be understanding of that. She knew what you wanted when you asked her to stand up there with you, and sorry but you can't change just for one person, no matter how close the two of you are. And you are right, this is an exchanging of vows, which affects 2 people, 2 people involved. Your FI and you. So if the two of you have made this mutual decision about no babies at the wedding, stick by your guns. It sounds like she just wants an exception to the rule, and isn't being very understanding about it.
could she feed him before the ceremony and her mom stays at the hotel with the baby and she can go back from the reception to check on him and feed him every few hours?
Wow, I had the exact same issue with a bridesmaid. I asked her not to bring baby, and she said if baby didn't come, she wouldn't. I asked again nicely, but in the end baby ended up at the ceremony. While this was something I was super stressed about, her baby did not fuss at alll during the wedding, her husband and mom sat at the back of the church with the baby in case it fussed so they make a quick exit, and I have an amazing picture of my friend kissing her baby right before we entered the church. She was more relaxed when she knew baby was near and therefore was more relaxed for me. I think at the time it was hard for me to understand how important her baby was to her. I totally hear you on the worrying, just wanted to let you know that usually it is not the end of the world.
I think that usually the worst things never happen. What is your biggest fear? I think it is that you want a controlled-adult environment. I say let the g-ma come, bring the baby and if it peeps the gma will walk the baby outside. Most likely if the baby is fussing she will leave him/her in the hotel. Your friend is doing a huge favor to be their for you on your day and her mom is taking time and driving as well. She might be afraid to be so far away. I think you shouldn't worry about it and it really will just work itself out!
It is however frustrating when others step over our boundaries so since it is bothering you I'd call her up and tell her you are concerned because xyz, and that you understand where she is coming from, and if possible maybe have baby come to reception only, or just stay in the hotel and pump breast milk.
My BM has a child 3 months old. Same situation, and I said, "bring the kid", but she had "no kids" at her wedding so she's leaving her kids with parents who are also driving 4-5 hrs and getting hotel in my town. It is hard being a parent! I'm very grateful and think she's sacraficing to be their for me.
Best wishes! It will all be ok :)
I think by accepting to be a maid, she has a certain level of commitment in that role. If her baby were to cry during the ceremony, of course she is going to want to attend to him, which is disruptive to the wedding. It is your day, and if you don't want kids at the wedding, that's up to you. I would compromise, as others said, and allow him at the reception, but not at the ceremony.
Because this was discussed with her previously, and she understood your wishes, I don't see any reason why you should feel bad for sticking to your guns.
My brother-in-law was a groomsman in a wedding when my niece was five months old. My sister was still breastfeeding, but had extra milk saved that she gave to my parents, and they took care of my niece of the night while my sister and her husband were gone. It worked out perfectly fine. I know my sister missed her baby, but she understood that the wedding just wasn't an appropriate place for her to have such a small baby.
I think a lot of things change when you become a mom and she had no idea how her baby would be at 6 months of age when they discussed the issue. To me thats old news.
I agree she should be able to come up with some type of compromise though. Does she never leave the baby for more than 3 hours???
What if she fed right before the ceremony, right after the ceremony and left the reception early?
I don't understand why she isn't willing to adjust a bit.
@ caszos - I gave her a couple of days to think it through, and just sent another email with your exact suggestion. She said before she has never left the baby for more than 2 hours and that she is not ready to do it. I agree that she probably didn't anticipate how she would feel when she became a mom, and we did discuss this prior to her giving birth. She just never indicated to me until very recently that she wanted to bring her baby, or that there was a change in plans. Likely she wanted to wait as close to the time as possible to see if she was ready, but I guess she just discovered she is not. I'll post back after I head back from her.
Here's hoping something can be worked out so me and mamma BM are happy :)
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Hi All!
Oh my goodness, one month to go and the stresses just seem to increase each day!
Okay, so here is the story. My awesome BM had a baby this past December. The baby will be 6 months old this June, and she is still breastfeeding. We had discussed her coming to the wedding solo, and her mother would take care of the baby while she was at the ceremony and reception. Sounds good to me! I figured she would need a break from being a full-time mommy, and I wanted an adults-only wedding and reception.
Fast forward the the email I get today! She asked if she could bring her mother and her "quiet" baby to the ceremony and reception! I was sort of shocked, becuase I thought we had discussed the issue. Her husband will not be attending the wedding with her as he is away for work, so it is not possible for the baby to stay home with him.
My FI and I are concerned that the baby might get fussy or start to cry during the ceremony. I can certainly understand that she loves her baby and wants to be with him all the time, but am I am monster for not wanting her baby at my wedding? My FI is dead set against it. I don't really want a baby there either.
Please don't think I am awful - but I really don't want my vows to be interrupted by a fussy baby!