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@vmec: If she wanted to could she do her own hair and makeup? Maybe she doesn't feel like she can afford to pay anyone for hair and makeup.
if she wants her gift to be the makeup, why not? i understand wanting to get her a gift that has nothing to do with the wedding, but if she asked for it specifically, i don't see how it's bad etiquette.
being a bm is expensive, and if her finances aren't great, you should be supportive.
@vmec: The BM gift should NOT be paying for her makeup.
Why not? If she'd prefer that to yet another clutch or some cheap bracelet she'll probably never wear, then what's the problem? She only needs all that fancy stuff because of your wedding anyway.
I think she might find it a bit much to be expected to pay for someone to do her hair and makeup. It sounds like you expect her to pay to have that done instead of letting her do her own.
I think that what may have happened is her finances have changed, or she has now realized how much this is going to cost her and is worried. I say there is nothing wrong with putting the money towards a dress or hair or makeup. (Part of my BM's gift was hair and makeup, so I could be biased). But I know that for me, money is really tight right now and sometimes at the end of the month I really feel the pinch and it is not a comfortable feeling at all.
I *did* say I agreed to her request... My problem was not so much she asked for that in leiu of a gift. It was more she thought I wasn't taking expenses into consideration. If that makes sense.
I actaully said it's totally cool if she wants to do it herself even. Offered her ANY option on hair/ makeup she wanted... Mac counter, herself, my artist, another artist I really don't care...
i agree with Kitzy, about the makeup. i think its kinda nice to get BM's something that they actually want and she's already asked for it.
Keep in mind I know their tastes and wasn't going to get them a weird clutch or something generic it would have been a specific gift picked out for each of them speifically based on personal tastes... and now she rather just have her makeup paid for. I actaully *wanted* to get a thank you gift, but she doesn't want it. That's fine, I guess...
Back to the issue, how do you feel when you think you're doing well at something and someone comes down and says you're not doing well at all?... :S
IMO asking the BM to pay for their own hair and make-up is a bit much. I think if you have a certain "look" in terms of hair and make-up, then you should cover the costs for that. If they can wear their hair and make-up in any style they want, then they have the option of paying someone or doing it themselves.
Money is always a touchy subject...especially when asking someone to spend their own for something that doesn't directly benefit them. I think if you just give it some time, your BM may once again warm up to hearing about wedding related things.
Maybe time is needed, I guess that's the only way.
TBH I can't care less how they want their hair or makeup. Unless of course it's absolutely hideous which I'm fairly confident isn't their style... so that said they're free to do whatever they choose- I have no preference on desired look other than my dress and any silver shoes. But yeah money is touchy, but I thought I was doing pretty alright! I even asked them all if they felt okay spend 129 on the dress. They all said that's prefectly fine. Was just a bit taken back... Good to vent. Ahhhh.
Wish I still had my excited maid back...
I agree this can be a touchy subject. The rule usually is that if the bride wants her maids to get their hair and make-up professionally done, the bride should pay for it. If the bride isn't requiring that, however, then the maid is responsible for the cost if she chooses to have her hair and makeup done.
Since you're giving her the option, you shouldn't be expected to pay. However, since she specifically asked for you to pay as your gift to her, you should graciously do as she asked.
Money can often be a sore spot, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.
@vmec: to answer your question...
Back to the issue, how do you feel when you think you're doing well at something and someone comes down and says you're not doing well at all?... :S
I would say TRY not to take it personal because her reason for "acting" like that is unknown.... Maybe she is going thru something and she doesn't want to share it with you at this time. If I were you, I would just keep the wedding convo to a minimum with her or maybe dont bring it up at all unless she brings it up first.
Good Luck!
I dont really see why you asked your BMs to get their hair/makeup done in the first place. If they cant afford it then they shouldnt feel pressured to do so. I told my BMs that I didnt care if they got their hair or makeup done. They all got their hair done but were not at all required to. They all did their own makeup - I am the only one who got professional makeup done! I think you should tell your BM you are sorry if she felt like you were pushing too much but you are ok if she does the things on her own.
vmec.....are you SURE you're only asking them for $300?
I think all of us recession brides are trying to be mindful of our ladies finances, but really a LOT goes in to being a bridesmaid. Sure, the dress is $130 which sounds reasonable, and you're letting them choose their shoes, so maybe she'll only drop $50.00 on shoes (but remember, she is then stuck with silver shoes). If she goes with your makeup artist shes at $250 without shoes, leaving $50 for shoes which (at least here in NY) doesn't get you very far. This is all without spending a dime on parties, stagette, shower and all of the USUAL costs associated with a wedding (getting there, buying a gift, staying in a hotel etc.)
Why not have a frank conversation with ALL of your girls about money? I HATE discussing money but I also think its good to manage expectations as far out as possile so people can budget. My girls "chose" their dresses (but they had to be silk taffeta, from J. Crew, in Caspian blue) but I still paid for a portion of each one.
Well if you already told her she can just do her own hair and makeup I'd agree maybe she's stressed for another reason, maybe offer to take her to lunch and talk to her about things she may be stressed about. Maybe she doesn't wanna rain on your parade with some things that may be going wrong in her life. I think once you talk it out and see where the stress is coming from you will have your bm back. Good luck!
@vmec: Are you requiring them to get their makeup done by a professional and a certain hair style? If not, then she can just do her own makeup, BUT if YOU want it professionally done, then you should pay for it.
Is it possible that she doesn't understand that she doesn't actually have to pay for her hair and makeup? She said she was feeling pressured, and then you said you expected them to pay for hair/makeup and shoes, plus the dress. And then you say you don't care where she goes. Maybe she's confused? Maybe she thinks you really want her to get everything professionally done and she cannot afford it. Perhaps you should talk with her again and let her know she doesn't have to do any of those things?
Honestly, I think asking bridesmaids to pay for hair & makeup, regardless of where they get it done, is too much. If they choose to go someplace then thats fine. But if you are requesting, you should pay up. Being a bridesmaid costs more money than just dress and shoes. She most likely already spent money on a shower, shower gift, bachelorette party, wedding gift etc. It can be extremely costly.
In defense of the OP - it's pretty clear to me from her opening post and subsequent posts that she's not requiring or forcing her bm's to do anything other then buy a specific dress and have silver shoes. She was trying to be helpful by letting her friend know about a hair/makeup artist that she likes well enough to use for her hair/makeup, not trying to force it on them or guilt them into it.
OP - I think you are probably right and that it'll just take time. Maybe something else is going on and this just caught her wrong somehow.
Is your wedding date correct, May 12 2012? If so I think you are discussing all this way too early and can probably cool it a little on the wedding talk to this particular BM at least. I didn't discuss hair or makeup with my BM's until just 2 or 3 weeks before the wedding, because honestly they didn't care about it until then. But almost the minute I picked my venue I knew how I wanted them to wear their hair, I just kept it to myself. My advice is to try to have a more relaxed attitude about the planning and keep more details to yourself until people ask.
It sounds like you are getting beat up on this post a little. What I'm hearing is that this BM is freaking out about money. If I were you, I would worry about YOUR hair and make-up. Don't say anything to your BMs about make up unless they ask you. I think it's normal for a BM to PAY FOR HER HAIR. It's just part of the gig. Don't worry too much about this. Try to find a good styllist that will charge 50 bucks or less for hair and offer that to your BMs. Let them know they are NOT REQUIRED to use the stylist. After that, it's not your problem.
In response to your question...I thinkyou're right and it's going to take time. But I think there's nothing wrong with re-opening the lines of communication.
You're feeling weird, she's probably feeling weird, I'd just say "hey, I'm still feeling awkward about the other day...can we talk about it?" and see where that takes you.
@MissHelen: I think you're right. There needs to be a heart-to-heart about how you're feeling; that you never meant to imply she had to pay for all this crap, that you want her support back.
To clarify a few things. I expect them to get or do their makeup and hair on their own. If they want my artist, I presented the info... if they way MAC, that's cool. I even said I'm looking into a few friends that aren't in the party to see if it would be much cheaper. I offered all choices and avenues of hair/ makeup. I'm not requiring them to have it a certain sytle as suits me, I want it to suit them. I've made that clear to all maids. The choice is 100% theirs... was just presenting the options. I guess she was feeling pressured but after we cleared the air in our chat it seemed we came to an understanding.
As well here, it is VERY common for the BM to pay for own hair makeup it's pretty much a given. So her shock was surprising to me...
And yes, 300 is the most I expect them to spend. The shower is put on by mom and is cheap as cheap gets. I don't care I just want some whatever food, and some TP for a game. That's it. Potluck is cool. So I'm not expecting nor wanting a fancy shower... same with stag let's eat a dinner cheap as cheap gets... and party. They are expected to pay their own cover and booze same for all the other attendees, they aren't forking out anymore than a girls night out. I think in these ways I was being reasonable and 100% honestly trying to help them feel good about it. I truely was. And they are not travelling to be in this wedding. So yeah, Sad, thought I was helping them out by having relatively low expectations and even that being too much :(
I do know that shcool has been a heavy load on her. So I'm gonna let it rest. For those who think it's stress, I would agree.
Did I read the wrong thing? I thought the OP said she is not forcing them to pay for the make up? Anyhow, it IS kinda possible to not spend more than $300 on a wedding if you are a BM. Well, to the OP, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I know one of my friends was very cognizant of money and did all she could to make sure that we didn't spend that much. The other one, ah, not so much. But the one who wasn't cognizant of money is the kind of person who would bend over backwards for you when it's your turn so I didn't really mind that much. I'm sorry your BM made you feel bad.
Thanks, for the smypathy... I'm just having a "moment" as we all do.
I'm going for my first fitting with 2/3 maids and my mom. I hope we're all good and happy...
I'll try to be more supportive of the stresses in her life.
Maybe shes just overwhelmed with bm costs. I dont think you did anything wrong but would proabably not talk wedding stuff with her so much. So it doesnt seem like so much. Being in a wedding is not cheap & its a big responsibility. Is it her 1st one?
@PitBulLover: i'm with you on this. i'm of the opinion that if girls want to get their hair and makeup professionally done, that's up to them, but it is certainly not necessary. i can't reiterate enough- you may never know someone's financial situation, even if you think you do. while it doesn't sound like you are intentionally pressuring her, the fact that you brought it up at all may have felt like pressure to her. I would ease off on the deets for a bit. She needs some air.
I get it, your frustrated that you tried so hard to be accommodating and understanding of your BMs, only to have one of them tell you they didn't thing you were doing enough. I can see why that is frustrating and somewhat hurtful, and now things are awkward, which makes it worse.
My solution would be to tell her that you are not going to pay for her makeup as her gift (because I think that makes it awkward for the other two BMs) but re-iterate that she is more than welcome to do her own makeup (which is free). I am completely sympathetic to BM's budgets and not having them spend more than they are comfortable with, but I also don't think she is being a good BM by trying to guilt trip you into paying for stuff; perhaps a touch on the diva side.
LOL at touch on the "diva" side. Hehehe, well I've agreed to put 100 towards shoes... She LOVES shoes. She agreed and said she'd be more comfortable with that. OKAY... whatever floats her boat.
We all get together tonight for my first fitting :) Pretty excited about that! Will of course have pictures to come! Thanks for understanding ladies, I thought I was going nuts!
I did tell the story to my other maid and she says that she's never felt pressured and thinks I've done well in trying to help them feel okay with what and how much I'm asking them to spend. (And she's the poorest one of them all as in no job at all...) So to know she has felt okay up until now made me feel a little better AND suspect this particular maid is fairly stressed, which I can understand.
@vmec: I totally get how you are feeling you think you are being considerate and sometimes it just doesnt feel that way. I think if she would rather you pay for her make up then fine but maybe explain again that you dont care if she does it herself or if gets it done at a counter that you werent requiring her to do it you were just giving everyone options. Also I have stopped bringing up my wedding even to my bridesmaids unless they bring it up I feel like that has brought down some tensions because I dont want people to think its all I talk about!! (even though its the only big thing going on in my life right now!)
Anyways, I get how you are feeling and just needed to vent. I hope you guys work it out!
Do they have the option of doing their own makeup. Not everyone wants to pay for that. Also considering that you have over a year to go to the wedding, her feelings will probably change closer to the time. Its probably just too much wedding talk for her right now. I find that BMs usually are willing to spend more when the wedding is actually in a few months rather than a year away
^ good point bells. you could be right, so long as my artist is booked, she should intheroy be availble when the time comes to do more makeup.
and THANK YOU I'm so excited to see the dress again! I hope I love it... still.
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Story is: I've been pretty much telling her all the details all along the way, I continued as she seemed to be interested and excited so I kept updating her. Didn't think it was TOO excessive, but possibly in retro it may have been, but not too over the top.
One day I told her I was planning to book my makeup artist. And told her how much I was paying saying if she's interested she can look into it too but said she is not at all obligated to choose my girl as she's a bit steep at 120 per BM (hair + makeup). She then started to complain a bit saying it was too much, I was asking too much, she was feeling pressured, strapped for cash... she said it kindly but I was a little taken back. I reiterated I wasn't asking them to spend 120+ for my artist and they'd have a choice where to go basically. I told her that I was only asking they pay for dress, hair makeup and shoes. (They even get to choose their own shoes so long as they're silver- so I'm not asking for a huge amt of money. The dress is $129 not cheap but not that expensive either.) I *THOUGHT* I was doing pretty good giving them options... and only the dress was not optional at 129. She still expressed that she wasn't happy and thought I should be the one putting money in.
I tried to tell her in not so blunt words that her efforts would be thanked by a gift near the end and she said she'd rather see that money go towards me paying for something so she doesn't have to. This to me is an etiquitte NONO. The BM gift should NOT be paying for her makeup. Told her I'd think about it. We talked the next day and told her sure, I can put the money I'd spend on a gift to pay for her shoes or something and she seemed okay with it... I think.
But now when we're talking wedding plans it seems awefully short. Like "oh nice" and stuff. She's still being polite but I'm feeling like I can't share the excitement about wedding related things anymore because it *feels* a bit like a touchy subject. As if I'm spending huge amounts but cheaping out on paying for their stuff. Don't BM expect a bit of an investment? I'm thinking they won't spend more than $300 total including shower, stagette, dress, shoes, hair, makeup. I'm in fact trying to cut it where ever possible!
I don't know perhaps just a bit of a vent, I'm not mad- just feeling like I was trying and my efforts were not being recognized... You know?