Post # 1
I’m having a hard time with BM dresses and I’m not entirely sure how to go about dealing with the mothers.
My three girls (best friend and FI’s two sisters) are planning a shopping trip to go find BM dresses. My mother desperately wants to come and that’s fine. But FI’s family is split and remarried and his mother and step-mother don’t get along. His mother doesn’t seem to want to be involved in wedding stuff, but has complained to one of her daughters that she doesn’t want the step-mother taking over her mother-of-the-groom role. The step-mother is super-excited about the wedding and wants to be involved, but she doesn’t want to step on any toes and I know she would feel hurt if she was excluded.
Personally, I’m closer to the step-mother and I think she’d be more interested in coming and would have a better time. I feel like the mother would go just to keep score. But, maybe the mother just hasn’t shown her true interest. Half the time it’s like she forgets the wedding is happening, and maybe if she actually had to do something she would realize that this is real.
I asked the sisters for advice and they each want the woman with whom they are closest to be the one that’s invited, and that’s not the same woman.
My mom is coming for sure. So do I invite none of the mothers, FI’s mother alone, step-mother alone or, as I’m leaning right now, invite both the mother and step-mother, make sure they know that the other is also invited, and see what happens?
Have any of you encountered this situation? What did you do?
Post # 3
I’d invite none of the mothers (except yours, since you already said she can come). When I took my BMs shopping for a dress, it was just me and them, and we found something gorgeous that they all loved. Isn’t it more about what you want and what they look good in than what your FI’s mom/stepmom want?
Post # 4
If you invite your mom and not his, they’re going to find out and you’re going to hear about it. And not in a good way. I’d offer it to them both and tell them that the other has been invited and let them decide how to handle it.
Post # 5
I say invite them both and let them decided. If they want to exclude themselves because they can’t be adults and be civil for a few hours then that’s their own fault.
Post # 6
Do the sisters have the same Mother and one prefers the SM over her own Mom? I wouldn’t get in the middle of that one if I were you (and if that’s the case).
Post # 7
Thanks for the input, guys. And to smyley, yes, they have the same mom and the one prefers the stepmom. It’s a bit of a screwed up situation.
I’ve been talking about it with my FI and I think we’re just going to invite both of them, let them know who is invited and then they can either come or not. That way it’s up to them. This is only the first of many wedding-related things they’re both going to be invited to, so it’s best not to start tip-toeing around them or it’ll never stop.
Post # 8
@Jenniferk6: I think I would give the Mom right of first refusal. Ask her if she wants to come and if she says no, then invite the step mother. The Mother (assuming she raised her son) is due all the rights and priviliges of MOG and the stepmother is not, so I’d use that as your guide. There are plenty of other ways you can involve and include the stepmother.
I don’t envy you being in this position though! Good luck!