Post # 1
I only have 3 bridesmaids, including the maid of honor. One of them ended up having a lot of really awful relationship problems after I asked her. Right before I got engaged she was pregnant for months and didnt know it, but a week after she found out she miscarried. Her bf is very abusive so I actually feel it was probably for the best (i know that sounds horrible but what’s more horrible is a child growing up in a violent home). She believes it was because of her heavy drinking on weekends and she’s also a heavy smoker so she kind of blames herself, it was really sad. Well after I got engaged she brought it up to her bf that she was ready to get married, and even though he was all for having a baby together, he told her he doesn’t want to marry her. So that was heartbreaking for her all in it’s own twisted way. Now her and her bf are broken up, as of a week ago, and hes threatening her and she refuses to put him in jail, and all in all it is a MESS! So… I’m 2 and a half months away from the wedding and we don’t even talk about the wedding, at all. I’ve known this girl since i was 5 and we started being best friends when we were 9, thats a looong time (I’m 23) of knowing someone. She was never the “type” (if one exists) to be in an abusive relationship until she met this guy last september (i know, this is all happening for her very fast) And all we ever talk about is her never ending relationship problems. If I do bring up the wedding she’s very short and will change the subject usually to something about her. What she needs right now is a friend. But she doesn’t even have a bridesmaids dress and doesn’t seem at all excited to be a bm. I hate to say she’s jealous but in a way I feel she is because she has to celebrate my relationship when hers is the worst thing I’ve ever heard of. With her attitude I honestly don’t trust that she’s taking my day seriously and it’s really kind of a downer when Im planning bridesmaids things. My stress is taking my mind in 10 different places now im worrying she may cancel on coming to the wedding at the last min if she’s really depressed. UGH.. bottom line–I want her out, and it’s BECAUSE she’s going through hard times. Awful I know. Should I kick her out? and if so how do i do it and preserve the friendship that I really, truley care about at the end of the day?
Post # 3
Sure if you want to kick your friend while she’s down. If you kick her out say goodbye to that friendship.
Sorry but she’s not obligated to discuss your wedding or to be excited about it, especially with all of this other stuff going on in her life.
Post # 4
For her sake, keep her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man but don’t expect anything from her… she needs you now as a friend until this whole relationship mess is sorted out. I am sorry you are going through this, but see it from her side. She can’t be excited, she is a wreck. But letting her go as Bridesmaid or Best Man will bring her down even more…
Post # 5
Her life is falling apart. Support her as much as you can. What would you expect her to do if the situation were reversed?
Post # 6
@Ms. Martian: This.
You acknowledge everything she’s going through…how can you be at all surprised she’s not excited to talk about your wedding? I don’t think anyone in her position would be.
Post # 7
Sure kick her out, I’m sure it will be the cherry on top of what sounds like a fantastic few months for her.
Post # 8
@Ms. Martian: +1. Sorry OP, but your BMs are not obligated to talk about your wedding even once if they don’t want to. As long as she gets the dress and shows up on the day of your wedding she has done her part (it completely sucks, believe me I know, but the one thing I learned on the Bee is that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do). You, however, as a friend, are obligated to be there for her during this tough time in her life. To kick her out of your bridal party just because she’s preoccupied with her own issues is not what a “friend” should do. JMHO. Good luck!
Post # 9
This post is completely disgusting. Your friend is going through some pretty fucked up shit and all you care about is your wedding and the fact that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Give me a break. If you want to kick her out, do it, but be prepared to lose a friend in the process. Frankly, if she knew you were more concerned with the menial details of your wedding day over helping her cope with all of the crap that she’s dealing with, she probably wouldn’t want anything to do with you anyway.
Post # 10
@UpstateCait: Whoa! While I agree with you, there’s no need to call the original post “disgusting”. Dang!
Post # 11
OP, I know that you’re not trying to rub it in her face, but speaking as someone who a few years back was going through a terrible relationship breakup at the time my friend got engaged, this is what she hears when you talk about your wedding:
“Oh, your relationship sucks and it’s making your life suck? Don’t care, listen to how happy I AM and how happy MY relationship is and how I’m getting something you want desperately but can’t have NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH!”
I know that’s not at all what you’re saying, but that’s what she hears when you bring up your wedding. I know she’s your best friend, but you have other people to wedding gush to. Go gush to them and just be supprotive to her.
Post # 12
@VegasSukie: I call it like I see it.
“Right before I got engaged she was pregnant for months and didnt know it, but a week after she found out she miscarried. Her bf is very abusive so I actually feel it was probably for the best.”
“Well after I got engaged she brought it up to her bf that she was ready to get married, and even though he was all for having a baby together, he told her he doesn’t want to marry her. So that was heartbreaking for her all in it’s own twisted way.”
“What she needs right now is a friend. But she doesn’t even have a bridesmaids dress…”
“UGH.. bottom line–I want her out, and it’s BECAUSE she’s going through hard times.”
I could go on…
While a wedding day is important, the relationship that you have with someone who has been in your life for 18+ years trumps it tenfold. This girl isn’t being an asshole and ignoring the wedding just because she doesn’t give a crap, she’s going through some pretty awful stuff right now and could really use a friend. The OP clearly doesn’t care about her “friends” issues if she’s more concerned with her wedding that’s still months away.
Post # 13
@UpstateCait: Lol! I totally get it…but still…we don’t want to scare the new bees away. Eh! Don’t mind me…I’ve been all flowers and sunshine since school ended and all my time can now be focused on my wedding (when I’m not at work).
Post # 14
So let me get this straight. She lost a child, she gets beaten up by her boyfriend, boyfriend says he doesn’t want to marry her…and you’re mad that she’s not all sunshine and flowers about your wedding? No offense, but you don’t sound like the type of “best friend” I’d want in a situation if I were in a rough place like this.
Your talking about your wedding with her probably upsets her more, because she does seem like she wants to get married. On some level, she’s probably jealous.
If you care about this friendship at all, I’d stop talking about your wedding and how happy you are, and be a real friend to be by her side through this tough time. On the other hand, if you’re ready to put the nail in the coffin so-to-speak, kick her out of the bridal party. but say goodbye to your “best” friend.
Post # 15
I’m sorry you have found yourself stressing out to the point of wanting to “kick her out.” if you really care about her though, you won’t make that choice. Like PPs have said, that will most definitely ruin your friendship. I would suggest either having a conversation with her, or just letting her be. If you decide to talk to her, empathize with her situation & then let her know that it sucks to have to talk about wedding stuff with her because it’s like rubbing salt in her wound. Ask her if you can help her with any of the wedding details (or another Bridesmaid or Best Man help her) during this hard time she’s having. If she says “No” (or if you decide to not to talk to her about it in the first place), you will have to trust her to figure out the dress & other details. Obviously she must know that she cannot show up to your wedding & expect to stand by your side wearing just any dress from her own closet. Good luck!