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First thing I'd do is realize that now is not the time to be fighting yet another fire if you let her go as a BM. She sounds as if she's also involved with FBIL now so that would make things extremely awkward too. Planning weddings are sticky enough to do, without having to have yet another fire to put out with a friend/bm.
Why not find the reasons why she became a friend in the first place and focus on the good? It will take you to be the better person, but in the end, putting all this "stuff" aside is going to make things easier on you. I don't think the cake in the face stuff is going to really make or break any secret wedding plans. I hate to say it, but I never really pay that much attention to cake cutting unless it's somebody super close to me.
I'm sorry you're having to go thru this, and just again, let it fly...be the bigger person and I hope things will fall back into place with her just being a friend again.
I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say let her go. You seem to be beyond annoyed with her at this point, and it doesn't sound like you even want to be her friend anymore. You guys were close at one point and then you grew apart for whatever reason--I mean she was even surprised you asked her to be in your wedding party, which struck me as odd. If she's not making an effort to buy a dress (which is the minimum she should do) and she is ditching you for the best man/spilling the beans then I think it's causing you more stress than it's worth. She can come as the best man's date, but for the sake of your sanity and the sake of peace, maybe she shouldn't be a BM anymore.
I have stopped and tried to figure out if our friendship is worth it... Before her ex we were great friends lots of fun times! Since she came back into my life I cant find one good thing... she literally has not talked to me unless she needed me to do something for her or she wanted to complain about FBIL because he did this or he said that!!! I literally had to start turning my phone off at night to stop stressing so much... She promised me that she would take off for my surgery and the day after so I wouldnt be in the hospital alone... had some cancer cells on one of my 6 tumors removed in may so I am having both breast removed in Nov then 2 more surgeries within 5 months after that for the recontruction part... anywho been schedule since may and she goes to tell me 3 weeks ago that now she cant take off work because she is going on vacation 2 days later HELLO really I know people need there vacation but really that is shady! Then she was texting someone, havent a clue who, this morning talking crap about me and sent it to me! I dont get how someone can be so cruel and shitty if she didnt want to be in the wedding that would have been fine I would have asked someone else! I dont need all the extra stress... I have enough going on with my medical problems. And FBIL is bring his ex to the wedding who lives in germany she already as made plans to come in town for our wedding so she wont be his date either. Thats another thing he told her his ex would be sleeping in his bed when she came into town for the wedding in 8 months... she needs to get a clue! Then to say that about the dress, its only 100 I know its not alot and not cheap but still she can go out to the bars every night!!!
Uuuum, this is so tough. I would like to say kick her butt out, but first be sure it won't mess you guys up on the day of. It seems like the only way it will mess ya up is the symmetry of the bridal party walking down the aisle but if you're ok with that then I think she really should go! She's treating you so unfairly and I imagine she may cause some problems with your FBIL being with another woman. It sounds like the friendship isn't going to work, she is being mean spirited and you don't want that negativity in your life. BUT, if you do want a friendship, you may have to stick it out. Maybe tell her how you feel and expect nothing else from her.
And btw I have let everything go up to this point... let the surgery thing go was hurt but what can you do? Dress thing I let go I scheduled them to look at them this month... when she told me she couldnt afford the dress I let it go I told everyone that jan would be fine... I just wanted to have this done before the surgery... But to ruin that part of the weddin was wrong... yeah I know not many will care but it was to get the best man well he will be no where near that cake now cant do it... and to talk crap about be behind my back that I dont know if I can get over that is just being a bad friend!
First of all, I'm sorry to hear of your medical problems and I hope everything with your surgeries and recovery goes well. Your health is the most important thing right now - don't be stressing about some stupid b***h.
Sounds to me like this girl is a toxic friend and that FBIL isn't really interested in a future with her anyway. If the guy I was "dating" (if you can ever call it that) told me oh BTW months from now I'm taking my ex-girlfriend to my brother's wedding instead of you and she will be sleeping in my bed, I'd say f**k you and never speak to him again. This girl has issues. Do you really want this person in your life? If any "friend" of mine wasn't there for me if I was going through what you are going through, it would prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person isn't a friend and I would cut them out of my life. You can kick her out but you have to know that by doing that you are ending the friendship, but honestly I don't see anything positive about keeping this person in your life.
Let her go !!!!!!! She doesn't deserve to be in a wedding ..she deserves to go to a psych ward ...lol ..
While the other stuff, about not being there for you is a valid concern, I that at the very least, you need to let the stuff go about the cake surprise. If I knew that a bride was going to "surprise" someone I also knew by shoving cake in his face, I would probably say something out of courtesy. And also to prevent any huge falling out at the wedding after the "surprise." She might have actually saved your butt with that one.
Im sorry to hear about your dilemma. I think you should take a step back and decide if its worth losing a friend over which just might happen if you let her go. Also, if you want to keep things a surprise for the wedding, dont tell her anything since she can obviously not be trusted since she told FBIL everything already.
Well your ladies are right... The more I think the more I see how much I just let go in the past because I try to be a good friend. Well I decided to let her go and I dont want to even be friends with her anymore, my health has to be first right now. There is just toooooo much that I cant over look anymore, if it was just a friend being a witch well so be but not a BM they are there to help not cause me more stress! I do have two other girls I wanted in the wedding to begin with just didnt want 9 bridesmaids lol, one I didnt ask because her wedding is 2 weeks before mine so that would be hard but I am going to ask see what she says the other I know will say yes if she says no =) I dont know why I let her back in my life after she totally pushed me to the side because her ex didnt want her around me...
Yes the cake thing was real... I told all the girls and the groomsmen that they needed to make sure best man and MOH were beside us close so we could spin around and smash them with the cake... we were going to have "hit me with your best shot" playing too while doing it!!! But that is out since she told the best man ugh girls like that give the rest of us a bad name!
And yeah if someone said that to me I so would have been gone... and he says stuff like that all the time, your not my gf we are just hanging out and having fun it will be nothing else... he loves his ex still he sent her flowers last week and if she would decided to move here well they would def be together without a second thought. She needs help and needs to seriously get a clue!!
But that is out since she told the best man ugh girls like that give the rest of us a bad name!
Actually, I'm quite glad to be grouped with the girls that would tell someone who was going to have cake smashed in their face before it happened.
johnsbride... I was talking about everything in general not the cake thing! Everyone has different plans for THEIR wedding... I didnt want to do the whole traditional cake feeding thing, I wanted to do something fun and it would have been a bite size peice not like I was shoving his face in the whole cake... I dont see anything wrong in it... not like it would be the first person in history to get cake in their face!
did i read this right, you want to smash cake (your words) into your FBIL and MOH face because it will be a ".....surprises for the wedding to keep it fun and not so blah" if i was either of these people i want to be told about it so i could tell you to your face as well that i didnt want it to happen just like FBIL was able to tell you.
sorry - doesnt help you with your BM issue...
Let it go and stop talking about wedding surprise details. Let her have her personal life and leave it be.
I am so completely distracted by the whole cake in the face thing...
Even though it is your wedding, it is their face! There are tons of things you can do to personalize your wedding that aren't rude and demeaning towards your guests of honor.
Ok first I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say that even though I don't agree with the cake in the face bit I also don't agree with people making other people feel bad because of something they want to do at THEIR wedding. The topic here was about letting this B$*hy BM go since she definitely is not there as support or anything else for the bride. Not trying to be rude or anything but I am sure that if nkybride2010 would have wanted our opinion on that topic she would have posted about it instead.
As for the topic we are discussing, Girl you shouldn't even be questioning if you should kick her sorry a$%^ out of your bridal party or not. You should be asking yourself when you're going to let her know and doing it asap
I dunno. I think it is relevant in this case since she is wondering how unreasonable her bridesmaid is being. It certainly colors my answer. Like I said before, her bridesmaid probably is being extremely difficult in many aspects, but giving up the cake secret isn't one of them.
I agree with Jocelyn. She brought it up as an example of how her BM is being unreasonable, and that particular aspect was so over the top that a lot of girls picked up on it as something that they would have done as well, had they been in the BM position. If she brought it up as an example, it's a fair topic.
She is out! We sat down over the weekend and I gave her all the reason why I couldnt allow her to be part of our wedding anymore. See totally understand and actually said she was sorry she didnt know that all these things affected me so much because I just kept letting things go and not standing up for myself. We are going to try and workout our issues out but I dont know if we can honestly. I have NO trust in her and feel completely betrayed, and no not over the cake thing mostly its the surgery... that is a life altering surgery and sorry but I am going to need my friends to stay postive and make it trhough it without going insane.
As for the cake thing... my MOH thought it was the funniest thing in the world! She said "Heck I would have just gotten you back... Not like it would be the first cake fight we have gotten into... But I would be there to help clean if off after all what are best friends for" Its not about being rude or mean or hateful to the people we care about it was all in fun... I KNEW there would be a cake fight I accepted that and didnt care... And after talking to FBIL she agreed he would have been drunk and just gotten the both of us back and the MOH so it is what it is......
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Ok ladies I need help... When I asked said BM to be in the wedding she said "Are you sure you want me" HELLO I would not have asked if I didnt! Then in July I asked when in Sept would be good for her to go look at BM dresses she said "No the month of Sept isnt good for me" Really the whole month is bad?! Well I have know BM for almost 5 years and until 3 months ago I barely saw or heard from her for a year because her then bf, now ex, told her he didnt want her around me! Well when she came back into my life I was overjoyed we use to be super close but when she did she start sleeping with, yes sleeping with thats all they do, my fiances brother... SO we had a huge fight because she came over to watch girlies movies with me and totally dis me to go hangout with him... literally got up without saying a word and didnt come back up, I waited an hour and half before I went to bed MAD as can be! I never told her she couldnt be a BM figured things would work out with us I said my peace she said hers... ANYWHO... We have alot of surprises for the wedding to keep it fun and not so blah lol. Last night FI and I were talking about the cake and FBIL says "I know what you plan on doing and it better not happen or I will not be in the wedding" My mouth drops! WHAT?! She told him one of our surprised was to smash the cake in his face, he is the best man, and MOHs face... NOT only that she told him EVERYTHING from all the surprises to the gift he is getting! I am soooooo hurt and pissed! I dont want her in the wedding now and I dont honestly want anything to do with her! I see everywhere where it is rude and just not right to take back asking someone to be a BM so I dont know what to do... I cant take her stress anymore... She was always telling me the things FBIL would say and the horrible way he treated her I DONT and DIDNT want to be in the middle he is my future family and now there are issues with future brother in law because of said girl UGH!!! What kind of person would try and ruin someones wedding?! Not right just not right at all!!!!!