Post # 1
One of my BMs just got engaged, and while I would love to be nothing but excited for her, I have some reservations. She’s quite young and hasn’t been in a long-term relationship before. The guy she’s now engaged to is older than her, and they’ve been seeing each other for about six months. I’ve met him a few times and he seems very polite and nice. They’re both also very religious individuals, and she’s made a vow of chastity.
My issue is this. I figured that if they were to get engaged quickly, it was most likely because of the pressure to do the deed. That’s what I thought when I heard the news, and while it really isn’t the best reason to get married, I feel like, personally, I can understand where they’re coming from in that situation. However, I just learned now that he’s been divorced and only recently joined the church (before they met). That toooootally spun my perceptions of him, because now to me it feels like he should have the experience and wisdom to take it slow and not to rush things.
Obviously I’ve congratulated her and will continue to support her, but I just am so uncomfortable around him because of this. :S Am I weird to be weirded out by this news? What would you think?
Post # 2
MrsRevolutionize: I think your friend is doing what a lot of people do, under circumstances a lot of people experience. His divorce is in his past, and no one should be ‘judged’ for it. You even said he seems like a nice, polite man, which means he probably is – even if he is divorced, and even if he decided to join a Church thereafter.
Their age does not matter, as long as they are consenting adults, which they are. Their length of courtship does not matter, as long as they are both ready to commit to marriage (even if their reason for ‘rushing’ is to have sex, because they are both committing now to NOT due to her vows of celivacy). What DOES matter is that your friend is a) happy, and b) in a healthy relationship. Your contents of your post does not reflect that either a or b are in jeaporady at this time. I am glad you are being supportive, because I think in this situation you should be, unless serious red flags present themselves…
Post # 3
OUgal0004: You make very good points, and they’re exactly the reason why I’m going to be supportive of their decision no matter what–my gut may be telling me this isn’t a good idea, but she does seem incredibly happy and he does seem like a really nice, respectful guy. Thank you for your comment! 🙂
Post # 4
I would mind my own business, sorry to be harsh, but how would you feel if your relationship was criticized? Just hope they plan on having a long engagement. Also remember that while marriages are meant to last a lifetime, they don’t have to. No one is legally forced to stay in a bad relationship, just remind your friend that you are there for her if she ever needs you.
I have had lots of people question me because my boyfriend is a little rough around the edges and not known for being very stable, but I also know that he has made so many positive changes in his life since we’ve known eachother because he now has a reason to.
Post # 5
I’d ask yourself a few questions:
1. Is there abuse or any other threatening/potentially harmful behavior going on? Are there signs that it could be going on?
2. Are they underage or being coerced?
3. How much do you honetly know about their relationship (beyond vague I think they’re getting married to have sex)?
4. What does it really matter that he’s divorced?
Put simply, she’s your friend, it doesn’t sound like she’s in any danger, so I’d say your role is to be happy and wish them the best, not be the one to rain on their parade esp. when you don’t know most of the facts. Just because her relationship is not following certain ‘rules’ does not mean it’s doomed to failure.
Post # 6
A close friend of mine got married to a guy I can’t stand. It wasn’t my place to tell her otherwise. If he makes get happy, great.
Post # 7
nineteen87: Totally fair and valid points! Thanks 🙂
renwoman: Yeah, you’re definitely right! I’ve been very careful not to criticize or show any negative feelings or concerns about their engagement, but you’re right–there’s no true red flags or issues from what I can see that would give me any reason to doubt them. Thanks for being a voice of reason 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
MrsRevolutionize: Having witnessed a few Christian relationships that were rushed down the aisle so that they could “do the deed” as you put it, I agree that it totally weirds me out!
But hey, those same people, because of their faith seem more likely to stay together.
So as long as he hasn’t done anything wrong that you’ve seen, be supportive!
Post # 9
mchitt329: Thanks! I’m glad to see someone else understands my weird worries, hahah. But you’re definitely right and I’ll keep supporting them 🙂
Post # 10
One of my very close friends got engaged to a man she had started dating after about a year. I was very leary about him as well for the same reasons you are. They have now been married for 4 years and are happier then ever. They also just celebrated their babies 2 year birthday.
I think you have to take it day by day. Just express your concerns and just be there for her if she has any issues with him.
Post # 11
I can relate to your concerns and I would feel the same way. However I do know that sometimes things just feel right. It sounds like you’re willing to be supportive, which is important. Maybe once you get to know her fiance, you’ll feel better about everything.
Maybe they’re planning a long engagement?