Post # 1
This is my first time posting but I need advice. My wedding is this Saturday, 01/16/10. I am having major issues with one of my bridesmaids. First let me tell you that during the year I have been engaged she hasn’t helped me with any wedding stuff. She didn’t come pick out the dresses, she didn’t show up to my bridal shower, she didn’t show up to my bachelorette party (I will tell you more in a bit) and she hasn’t answered her phone more then once or twice in the past three months. The times she answered she complained about her boyfriend and the dress I picked for the bridesmaids and hung up. My issue is not that she hasn’t helped put together favors or do other wedding things, but that she hasn’t been there for emotional support either.
Saturday was my bachelorette party. It was pretty cold for where we live (30’s outside that night). We had plans to meet at my MOHs house for drinks and appetizers then head off to a popular area that has tons, of bars, restaurants, and clubs around. I had a plan for transportation between clubs so we wouldn’t have to worry about being cold walking. She texted me in the morning and said thought we should pick a different location because it was going to be cold (all the places we were going are indoors). I told her I was happy with the place. We invited 20 girls over a month ago and couldn’t change. She preceded to text me about what a bad idea it was and how she would find a better place. I told her I was getting upset and that I didn’t want to change my location. She proceeded to send me the information of where we were going to go (this went on for awhile). When I told her no, she said IF YOU DON’T CHANGE LOCATIONS I AM NOT GOING. I didn’t reply to her.
Later on my MOH tells me that she went over my head and called my MOH to try and get her to change the location behind my back! We had a great time but she didn’t show up.
I also arranged for a hair and make up person to be at the location to avoid having people being late the morning of. She told me she didn’t want hair and make-up. My pictures are being taken before the ceremony so everyone needs to be there at 9am. The location is 45 min from where we live. I asked her if she could take me to the location the morning of. I didn’t want to take my car because I wanted to drive back with FI. She said no, because her hair and make-up is that morning starting at 8am (how would she be there on time????)and she won’t make it until right before the ceremony. She would have known that we had pictures before if she bothered to answer any of my phone calls!
I am also having a small wedding only 50 people. Fi and I are paying for it ourselves. We asked that no one bring a date unless they are married/living together. She insisted (laid a major guilt trip) about bringing her married boyfriend with her. We agreed. Now he can’t come and she is calling around trying to find a fill in date. When I told her I couldn’t really afford the extra person if it wasn’t her boyfriend she got upset at me!!!!…. There is soooo much more but this is already a long post.
So here we are. I am really upset with her and thinking of asking her to step down from being a BM. I would pay her back for the dress (still cheaper then paying for her, her date, and the expensive BH gift I bought her). I don’t want her to upset me the day of. Especially since I don’t think we will be friends after this. What should I do?
Post # 3
I’m so sorry that things are working out like that for you. Honestly, I think it is a lose-lose situation. It sounds like your friendship is going to be ruined either way so you might as well just tell her not to come. Especially since it is a small wedding, you are going to have to have a lot of interaction with her even if she isn’t a BM. I hope that if you told her to stay away that she actually would and wouldn’t show up univited. Do you think there is a possibility that she would do that?
Post # 4
Wow, I am in utter shock someone would act like this, let alone someone you were close enough to include in your bridal party. I agree, I would ask her not to attend. I would explain it that you have been really hurt by all of her actions (lay the guilt trip on!) and you just think it’s best if she didn’t attend and you’d be happy to reimburse her for her dress. I am so, so sorry you have to put up with this less than a WEEK before your wedding! After reading your situation, I need to stop complaining about my BMs! Have a beautiful wedding Saturday and congrats!
Post # 5
This is the first time I am ever recommending to kick out a BM. You absolutely qualify for kicking her out not only of the bridal party but the entire wedding. I totally agree with AsB, it is a lose-lose situation, you arent’ going to remain friends with her after the wedding and she has already proved to be 100% selfish and caused you a ton of stress and will cause you more on your wedding day so just kick her out.
Post # 6
I think the big question is, do you want to be friends with this woman after the wedding? You should only fire her as a bridesmaid if you’re OK with firing her as a friend too — and it sounds like you’ve reached that point. Understandably, too. Her behavior stinks.
Have you talked to your friend about how upset you are with the way she’s been acting — trying to change your bachelorette party behind your back, bullying you into including her married boyfriend, ignoring your calls? If you haven’t told her that she’s acting horribly, she may have no idea how mad you are and why. I know it should be obvious, but it sounds like your friend is pretty self-absorbed and she may have no clue how her behavior is affecting you.
I would suggest calling her and telling her that her plans for her hair and makeup are not OK because her timeline will cause her to miss the photos, and she needs to either schedule them earlier, or come to the church and take advantage of the person you hired. Give her one last chance to get it together. If she says no, explain to her that her behavior over the last few months has been awful, and this is the last straw. Tell her she is welcome as a guest, but that she’s not a bridesmaid anymore and you’ll pay her back for the dress.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this — I hope this gets resolved so you can have a great wedding day!
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I don’t know what you should do (maybe it’s best that she won’t be on time for pictures given that it doesn’t sound like she’s someone who will be in your life for much longer), but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this… she doesn’t sound like a very good friend.
Post # 8
I’ve gone on plenty of rants about “it’s normally not an issue with you – you should talk to the BM, it’s probably something else going on that doesn’t have to do with you/wedding, etc.” because I had a BM issue come up and I almost kicked her out, but it was easily fixed.
I agree with Moderndaisy – this is the first time I feel okay about saying “kick her out!” it sounds like she is acting like a spoiled rotten brat, and to be honest, your wedding day is about celebrating the love between you and FI. If she’s not there to support you, then she doesn’t deserve to be there at all.
Post # 9
Kick her out. If she is capable of being this mean to you while you have been so understanding and gave her the honor of being a bridesmaid in the first place, I don’t think you want her as a friend anyway. with friends like those…
Sorry you’re going through this, and I hope your wedding is an incredibly happy time and you can try to forget about this negativity.
Post # 10
I’d kick her out too. But be prepared if she decides to show up and ruin your day. Make sure you have some nice big strong guys that know whats going on to escort her off the property if she does make an apperance.
All in all a horrible a situation.
Post # 11
wow I normally say never kick out a BM, but if you don’t think you want to stay friends with her, and given her behavior, I say go ahead….
Post # 12
I can’t remotely think of a reason that would make it ok for her to act like this. I also agree with the other girls that this might be the ONE time kicking the BM out is ok. I just hope she doesn’t make it worse.
Post # 13
I had a very similar situation with my MOH. She decided that my wedding was going to be all about her, and that i was a terrible person for not agreeing. She laid on the guilt every time I wanted to spend time with my fiance (she and I worked together daily…we spent plenty of time together). She texted/facebooked/emailed me dozens of times per day, disagreed with every choice I made, and was furious with the fact that all I wanted to talk about was the wedding (I had JUST gotten engaged…) Eventually I ended up asking her to step down. This wasn’t a decision I took lightly, but at the end of the day, I needed to enjoy the planning of my own wedding, and not be consumed by how she felt. She threw the tantrum of the decade at work the following day (even though when I told her, outside of work, she completely agreed that it was the best decision), and she hasn’t spoken to me since.
I’m happy to have my life back, and to be able to plan/enjoy my engagement period, but I agreed with MelissaB. Asking her to ‘step down’ is fine…if you’re prepared to have her ‘step down’ as a friend as well.
Post # 14
Also…be prepared to have her wear the MOH dress to EVERY function between now and the wedding…at least, that’s what happened in my situation.
Post # 15
Wow, Smarties are you serious?? Jeez! Good for you sticking up for yourself, that takes a lot of gutz. And I bet it’s a huge weight off your shoulders now that she’s not breathing down your neck.
What is wrong with people?? Can’t you just be unselfish for 1 day out of the year??
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
I would definitely ask her to step down. She is not being a friend. She will do nothing but ruin your day.