Post # 1
My FMIL wants me to ask FSIL to be in the wedding. There’s a huge backstory to this and I don’t want to babble so I’ll keep it short – she is a very sensitive person who is also depressed, and it does not take much to offend her. Basically, FMIL wants me to ask her because she knows FSIL would say “NO” (FSIL has health problems that prevent her from being able to walk down the long aisle & stand for 30 minute ceremony) but that I should ask because the mere act of doing so would make her feel included, thus preventing any hurt feelings.
Does this seem manipulative to anyone else? I do not want to do it. It’s not that I don’t want to include her…I just don’t know how. Oh, and neither of my siblings are going to be in the wedding so it’s not like she would be the odd sibling out. I really like my FMIL and I do not want to piss her off but…I just don’t want to do something that seems so sneaky!!
Post # 3
I would not ask someone just to ask them in the hopes (or the plans) that they’d so no. Why not invite her to do a reading (can she stand/be seated long enough to do a 4 or 5 minute reading?) Or if you’re not having many maids or any maids, could you hand her bouquet to hold while the ceremony goes on (while she’s seated in the pews/chairs)? She could be seated to greet guests as they come in, or give a speech at the reception, etc. There are many low-activity things that you could ask FSIL to do to honor her while not causing additional stress (to her health or your familial relationships). The speaking things may be a bit unpredictable since you mentioned she’s sensitive/depressed, but the bouquet holding or other small tasks could be a way to include her.
Post # 4
I would not ask her to be a BM. I agree with NDBee and ask her to do a reading. You should always ask people with the assumption they will accept IMO. I would tell your FMIL that your BM’s are already selected but you’ve thought about it and think it would be so special to you if FSIL did a reading or helped in some other way like handing out programs.
Post # 5
I don’t think it is being manipulative. I think it is just your FMIL feeling sorry for your FSIL. She just wants to make sure she feels included in things. I don’t think you should ask her, since you are not asking your siblings to be in the wedding. Just let your FMIL know, as I am sure you have already, that you aren’t including or even asking your siblings to be part of the wedding party, so you don’t think it would be fair to them to ask your FSIL. Be sure to let her know that if things come up that she can be included in, you will be sure to include her, just like you would your siblings. That should hopefully put her mind at ease, and alleviate the stress she is putting on you.
Post # 6
I think your FMIL is out of line to be asking you to do that and highly offensive to your FSIL. I would refuse to do it and compromise by asking her to do a reading or something. Simply tell her that you’re not asking your siblings either and therefore don’t feel comfortable with it.