(Closed) BM issue…tell me if this is manipulative?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Is this manipulative/mean?
    Yes : (13 votes)
    48 %
    No : (12 votes)
    44 %
    Other, explain : (2 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5118 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would not ask someone just to ask them in the hopes (or the plans) that they’d so no. Why not invite her to do a reading (can she stand/be seated long enough to do a 4 or 5 minute reading?) Or if you’re not having many maids or any maids, could you hand her bouquet to hold while the ceremony goes on (while she’s seated in the pews/chairs)? She could be seated to greet guests as they come in, or give a speech at the reception, etc. There are many low-activity things that you could ask FSIL to do to honor her while not causing additional stress (to her health or your familial relationships). The speaking things may be a bit unpredictable since you mentioned she’s sensitive/depressed, but the bouquet holding or other small tasks could be a way to include her.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I would not ask her to be a BM.  I agree with NDBee and ask her to do a reading.  You should always ask people with the assumption they will accept IMO.  I would tell your FMIL that your BM’s are already selected but you’ve thought about it and think it would be so special to you if FSIL did a reading or helped in some other way like handing out programs.

    Post # 5
    Member
    8354 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I don’t think it is being manipulative. I think it is just your FMIL feeling sorry for your FSIL. She just wants to make sure she feels included in things. I don’t think you should ask her, since you are not asking your siblings to be in the wedding. Just let your FMIL know, as I am sure you have already, that you aren’t including or even asking your siblings to be part of the wedding party, so you don’t think it would be fair to them to ask your FSIL. Be sure to let her know that if things come up that she can be included in, you will be sure to include her, just like you would your siblings. That should hopefully put her mind at ease, and alleviate the stress she is putting on you.

    Post # 6
    Member
    988 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I think your FMIL is out of line to be asking you to do that and highly offensive to your FSIL.  I would refuse to do it and compromise by asking her to do a reading or something.  Simply tell her that you’re not asking your siblings either and therefore don’t feel comfortable with it.

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