(Closed) BM not attending shower…what would you do?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think the best you can do is gently tell her your feelings on the matter. My response would be… “Aw, that’s a bummer, I was really excited to have you there :(” and, if she’s sensitive enough and her plans are changeable, she’ll realize it would make you happy to have her there.

Post # 4
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

A couple of my bridesmaids didn’t make it to either of my showers, but I guess I didn’t think it was a big deal as long as they came to the wedding. I guess I’d let her off the hook. You can certainly tell her that it’d mean a lot to you if she came, but I wouldn’t hold it against her if she just can’t (or even doesn’t want to) come.

Post # 5
6826 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Technically the Bridesmaid or Best Man duty is just to stand up for you. The parties are all extra’s. I would express how you feel to her and stress you would like for her to be there. But in all honesty it is not a manatory part of being part of a wedding

Post # 6
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. While you can’t expect your BM’s to put their lives on hold for every wedding event, I totally understand why you’re upset about this. I would expect my local BM’s to have a pretty darn good reason not to attend my shower too. 

I think you should try to talk to her, but keep it lighthearted. Just frown when she says she can’t make it and say you’re upset that she won’t be there because you will miss her. That way, she knows you are upset but it’s not like you’re confronting her or pressuring her to attend.

Post # 7
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Technically the only bridesmaids “duties” are:

Stand with you at the wedding

Provide their lodging and transportation (if necessary)

Buy their dress/shoes


Everything else is extra.

Just let her know how you feel. Tell her ow you’d be disappointed if she couldn’t make it (but don’t go towards telling her that it is her duty to attend).

To put things in perspective, Fiance and I planned a “bridal party weekend” for everyone to meet (I am not having a shower) and ALL the groomsmen are coming, and only one bridesmaid is (the one that is married to one of the groomsmen). So I’m going away this weekend on what was supposed to be a girls & guys weekend and it’ll be me and one other girl with 7 guys. But that’s ok.


At this point, not even all my BMs will be able to come to my bachelorette party because there is not a single weekend in June, July, or August that works for all of them. But as long as they are all with me on my wedding day, I will be happy.

Post # 8
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would be slightly offended if I were in your position.

I agree with the PPs, you should express that you will be disappointed if she isn’t able to make it  BUT at the end of the day, don’t let it get you down. You will be surrounded by loads of other people that love you and it’s not worth one person getting you down.

Post # 9
27 posts
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry, but the truth is other people have lives. As long as your maids are at your wedding- THATS what matters. You can’t expect people to cancel plans.

I was in a wedding and was unable to attend the bachlorette party- long story short, we are no longer friends and one of the main reasons is, is that I had plans with my family/boyfriend that night and didn’t drop everything to go to her bachlorette party. Before they had even planned a date for the party, I told the other 6 maids that I had plans and if they made it for that day, I would probably not make it.

As far as her shower went, I paid for half of it  and I was there 100% in every other aspect of her wedding/celebrating it and planning it.

I don’t want to be harsh, but the bride isn’t the center of the universe. One your WEDDING DAY, yeah, you are the focal point and you have every right to get exactly what you want.


Post # 10
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d say let it go. While it’s nice to have the bridesmaids at the shower if they can make it, their real job is standing up at the wedding.

Also, IMO showers are really boring. As long as she makes the wedding, can you blame her for not dropping everything to attend another event?

Post # 11
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Bridesmaids don’t have any other “duties” besides standing up for you at your wedding. It’s okay to be a little disappointed, but let this go.

Post # 12
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I dont know, I always thought it was one of the duties to attend the shower.  It should be made a priority.  Of course if the people are far away, then I would understand them not coming.

However, in this case it seems strange since she hasn’t even made official plans yet.  I’d call her up and find out why… if it’s work related, then I would be more understanding, but if its just leisure and she just WANTS to do her own thing rather than attend your shower, I’d find that pretty rude.  I wouldn’t lose the friendship over it or anything, but I would stress how disappointing it is. 

I don’t think people really understand what it feels like until these kinds of things happen to them!  I find it very rude.

Post # 13
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@peekaboolarue: I agree with peekaboolarue:  you get ONE day, not a bank of days.  You might be letting yourself get too caught up in an overly bridal mentality if it’s really bothering you.

My very BEST friend (apart from FI Smile) had to back out of some wedding related events, and, while I missed having her there, it in NO WAY caused any hard feelings, nor do I (or will I) look back on those events and see them as anything less than they were — which were all great fun.  I love her, she loves me; she just had other plans or couldn’t get a sitter. 


Post # 14
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

whether its an official “duty” or not doesn’t really matter in my opinion. i understand you are upset because she is a close friend of yours and has made you feel that being there for you at your shower is not important to her. this has nothing to do with whether or not she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  i would be upset too.  i agree with everyone who said you can express your feelings to her (without attacking) and take it from there.  If she really can’t come or doesn’t see it as a priority, then i would let it go. i wouldn’t let something like this affect your friendship too much.  as long as she understands your feelings and can talk about it with you.

also, as for her saying “i’ll probably be in SD that weekend”.  to me as an objective outsider, i see that as possibly meaning she already has made plans with someone to go to SD, but they just may not have actually reserved a hotel like you said.  but maybe she said “probably” because she has the plans, but now feels stuck because she doesn’t want to miss your shower or break the plans she already made with someone else?

Post # 15
32 posts
  • Wedding: June 2008

In life and in marriage, I am delighted, if the good times outweigh the not so good.

Focus on all your friends and family that WILL be there, not the ones that will not.



Post # 16
7420 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

IMO the weddings is what matters the most. I think all the extra events (shower, bacholorette) its nice if they can attend but I wouldn’t hold it against her. But defintely speak to her in low key manner about it since its bothering you so much. But if she still decides not to attend, let it go.

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