Post # 1
I should start by saying that I have asked very little of my BMs so far. I am paying for their dresses, their hair and makeup and I’m giving them a lot of leeway on shoes and accessories. I haven’t asked them to help stuff envelopes, do DIY projects, etc. One of my BMs is planning the bachelorette party, but the shower is being thrown by some of my FMIL’s friends. The only thing I’ve done so far is invite them for my final day of dress shopping to help me decide between my top three choices but they didn’t have to come.
Well the shower is in six weeks and invitations just went out. One of my BMs texted me to say she was probably going to San Diego that weekend. I asked what she was going to do there, but she didn’t respond. So granted I don’t know if it’s for work or something, but it sounds like it’s just for fun. She tends to be a last minute person and since she said “probably” it doesn’t seem like she has hotel reservations or anything. It just seems like she wants to go to San Diego and is probably going to go instead of coming to the shower.
Most of my female friends live outside of LA and I already have a couple who can’t attend for legit reasons (family wedding) so I really wanted as many of my friends who live here to come. Isn’t attending the shower one of the bridesmaid “duties?” This Bridesmaid or Best Man has never been in a wedding before so she probably doesn’t know. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it and I don’t want to force her to come, but I’m really hurt that she wouldn’t make the shower a priority, especially since I haven’t asked much of her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Am I being unreasonable? What would you do?
Post # 3
I think the best you can do is gently tell her your feelings on the matter. My response would be… “Aw, that’s a bummer, I was really excited to have you there :(” and, if she’s sensitive enough and her plans are changeable, she’ll realize it would make you happy to have her there.
Post # 4
A couple of my bridesmaids didn’t make it to either of my showers, but I guess I didn’t think it was a big deal as long as they came to the wedding. I guess I’d let her off the hook. You can certainly tell her that it’d mean a lot to you if she came, but I wouldn’t hold it against her if she just can’t (or even doesn’t want to) come.
Post # 5
Technically the Bridesmaid or Best Man duty is just to stand up for you. The parties are all extra’s. I would express how you feel to her and stress you would like for her to be there. But in all honesty it is not a manatory part of being part of a wedding
Post # 6
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. While you can’t expect your BM’s to put their lives on hold for every wedding event, I totally understand why you’re upset about this. I would expect my local BM’s to have a pretty darn good reason not to attend my shower too.
I think you should try to talk to her, but keep it lighthearted. Just frown when she says she can’t make it and say you’re upset that she won’t be there because you will miss her. That way, she knows you are upset but it’s not like you’re confronting her or pressuring her to attend.
Post # 7
Technically the only bridesmaids “duties” are:
Stand with you at the wedding
Provide their lodging and transportation (if necessary)
Buy their dress/shoes
Everything else is extra.
Just let her know how you feel. Tell her ow you’d be disappointed if she couldn’t make it (but don’t go towards telling her that it is her duty to attend).
To put things in perspective, Fiance and I planned a “bridal party weekend” for everyone to meet (I am not having a shower) and ALL the groomsmen are coming, and only one bridesmaid is (the one that is married to one of the groomsmen). So I’m going away this weekend on what was supposed to be a girls & guys weekend and it’ll be me and one other girl with 7 guys. But that’s ok.
At this point, not even all my BMs will be able to come to my bachelorette party because there is not a single weekend in June, July, or August that works for all of them. But as long as they are all with me on my wedding day, I will be happy.
Post # 8
I would be slightly offended if I were in your position.
I agree with the PPs, you should express that you will be disappointed if she isn’t able to make it BUT at the end of the day, don’t let it get you down. You will be surrounded by loads of other people that love you and it’s not worth one person getting you down.
Post # 9
I’m sorry, but the truth is other people have lives. As long as your maids are at your wedding- THATS what matters. You can’t expect people to cancel plans.
I was in a wedding and was unable to attend the bachlorette party- long story short, we are no longer friends and one of the main reasons is, is that I had plans with my family/boyfriend that night and didn’t drop everything to go to her bachlorette party. Before they had even planned a date for the party, I told the other 6 maids that I had plans and if they made it for that day, I would probably not make it.
As far as her shower went, I paid for half of it and I was there 100% in every other aspect of her wedding/celebrating it and planning it.
I don’t want to be harsh, but the bride isn’t the center of the universe. One your WEDDING DAY, yeah, you are the focal point and you have every right to get exactly what you want.
Post # 10
I’d say let it go. While it’s nice to have the bridesmaids at the shower if they can make it, their real job is standing up at the wedding.
Also, IMO showers are really boring. As long as she makes the wedding, can you blame her for not dropping everything to attend another event?
Post # 11
Bridesmaids don’t have any other “duties” besides standing up for you at your wedding. It’s okay to be a little disappointed, but let this go.
Post # 12
I dont know, I always thought it was one of the duties to attend the shower. It should be made a priority. Of course if the people are far away, then I would understand them not coming.
However, in this case it seems strange since she hasn’t even made official plans yet. I’d call her up and find out why… if it’s work related, then I would be more understanding, but if its just leisure and she just WANTS to do her own thing rather than attend your shower, I’d find that pretty rude. I wouldn’t lose the friendship over it or anything, but I would stress how disappointing it is.
I don’t think people really understand what it feels like until these kinds of things happen to them! I find it very rude.
Post # 13
@peekaboolarue: I agree with peekaboolarue: you get ONE day, not a bank of days. You might be letting yourself get too caught up in an overly bridal mentality if it’s really bothering you.
My very BEST friend (apart from FI ) had to back out of some wedding related events, and, while I missed having her there, it in NO WAY caused any hard feelings, nor do I (or will I) look back on those events and see them as anything less than they were — which were all great fun. I love her, she loves me; she just had other plans or couldn’t get a sitter.
Post # 14
whether its an official “duty” or not doesn’t really matter in my opinion. i understand you are upset because she is a close friend of yours and has made you feel that being there for you at your shower is not important to her. this has nothing to do with whether or not she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man. i would be upset too. i agree with everyone who said you can express your feelings to her (without attacking) and take it from there. If she really can’t come or doesn’t see it as a priority, then i would let it go. i wouldn’t let something like this affect your friendship too much. as long as she understands your feelings and can talk about it with you.
also, as for her saying “i’ll probably be in SD that weekend”. to me as an objective outsider, i see that as possibly meaning she already has made plans with someone to go to SD, but they just may not have actually reserved a hotel like you said. but maybe she said “probably” because she has the plans, but now feels stuck because she doesn’t want to miss your shower or break the plans she already made with someone else?
Post # 15
In life and in marriage, I am delighted, if the good times outweigh the not so good.
Focus on all your friends and family that WILL be there, not the ones that will not.
Post # 16
IMO the weddings is what matters the most. I think all the extra events (shower, bacholorette) its nice if they can attend but I wouldn’t hold it against her. But defintely speak to her in low key manner about it since its bothering you so much. But if she still decides not to attend, let it go.