I think you did the right thing,
you have way more strength then I do.
I would of tackled her during the first dance.
100% the right decision. Even if you were at fault (which you weren't), the fact is you're no longer friends, and you don't want someone who's not your friend in your bridal party.
(But let me add that she was allowed to choose who she wanted to be MOH, That doesn't excuse the rest of her behaviour though.)
Just so I am clear you didn't actually tell her yourself that you weren't going to the rehersal dinner but sent a cryptic message via your grandparents? Why did you not pick up the phone and call her yourself? I can kind of see why they would be pissed off about that. Not excusing the facebook posts and other stuff but you kind of also made drama for her on her wedding day by refusing to come.
I feel as though you thoguht you were closer to this cousin than she did. It hurts to find out that you are not as important to someone as they are to you but that is life.
And as other pp's have said she has the right to choose whomever she likes for her MOH and to invite whomever she felt comfortable with going to appointments/doing wedding stuff.
The same goes for you. You can choose whomever you like to be your BM's.
I'm so sorry to hear your story - that's awful! I absolutely think you made the right decision. I was MOH for a very good friend of mine, and the whole day I worked really hard, I paid for half her bridal shower ($75pp - ridiculous expensive, but it's what she wanted), plus all my own hair, makeup, shoes, etc. whilst she got her hair done at the expensive salon, plus she made us all wait an hour for her to get ready (but we didn't even know her room in the hotel! Weird), by which time I had to ask the hotel to tell me her room as all us bms were in the lobby lost! We were 2hrs late for the ceremony and ppl were screaming and crying and I had to deal with all this, whilst she battered her eyelids. She spent $100K on her wedding and we didn't even get a bm gift (which is fine) or a nice thankyou (which is not fine), and I didn't even get any cake b/c I was looking out for her sick uncle and trying to find a safe place for her detatchable train! Oh, and I was in 2 photos the whole day - she only wanted herself and her dress and us BMs were shafted!
So I've done what you did: she's invited as a guest but not to be in the bridal party because I didn't like her selfish behavior at her own wedding and lack of consideration for all the guests (who had to pay $100 themselves for the rehearsal dinner and that's not including drinks!). And guess what? She's got school so says she can't fly in for my wedding even though I flew cross the atlantic for her DW!
But I'm fine with it! Surround yourself with positive, loving, supportive friends and family who will make your wedding day fun! If you want to work on your relationship with her at a later point (after the wedding stress) then you can take that option, but I certainly think you made the right choice :)
@j_jaye: It sounds to me like the OP *did* tell her cousin that she wouldn't be at the rehearsal dinner, but kept getting pestered about it, so the message via the grandparents was "one last attempt" to get through to the bride that she had tried but couldn't get the time off.
OP, I think you're doing the right thing. You want to be able to focus on your bridal party without all the negativity that's linked to your cousin.
@Finallyafter15: Oh my god, I probably would've bitch slapped her. Congratulations on your self control and for honouring your commitment. Never mind those bitches, maybe put her in the back row at your wedding, eh?
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This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart....and not in a good way. Last year my cousin got married and I can honestly say it was by far, the worst experience I have ever had being a maid.
Although I was the obvious choice for moh, being her only female relative who was close in age and close in bond, I thought I was a shoe in. I was surprised to learn that she had chosen her sister in law to be, who she was not very close with, and who she only knew for a few years vs her entire life. I accepted bridesmaid position graciously, but with a bit of disappointment.
I was going through a particularly heinous breakup during the time of wedding planning. Even though I approached helping her with her day with genuine joy and excitement, I felt that she omitted me because she assumed I would not "be any fun". It was quite the contrary though, I truly wanted to help and was looking forward to the distraction to tell you the truth.
Even though I was unceremoniously omitted from all the activities I wanted to part of; dress shopping, bridal shower planning, the putting together of the favors, etc, I was expected to "jump to immediate attention" whenever it was convenient for her. For example; the official BM fitting was scheduled on a day I had to work. I made an appointment to go the salon to be fitted the next week, and due to a scheduling conflict I needed to push it back a few more days. The amount of complaining she did regarding me not doing this fast enough was ridiculous. I got the dress measured, ordered, and fitted in plenty of time.
I did contribute a large amount to facilitate the bridal shower. Unfortunately, money was all the bride and MOH wanted from me. My input regarding the location, the gifts, the food were all unwelcome. I was not even invited to help put the gifts together, even though all the other maids were. Although I was the only one working a full time job, I was even expected to drive the money to the MOHS house on my lunch break.
The one event I had to miss was the rehearsal dinner. I was scheduled to work, and was unable to make it. There seemed to be a break in communication somewhere as i informed my grandparents to tell my cousin that I would "ask the boss one more time if she could accommodate me" Essentially I was saying no, with hopes of a miracle occurring that would enable me to be there. I did not make it and my cousin made such a stink; crying, wailing, screaming, that her husband to be felt compelled to get in his car and pass by my place of employment to see if I was "there or not". He did not see my car in the lot either because I was parked in the managers lot which is not accessible to the public, because I was on my dinner break picking up my dress, or simply because he didn't look hard enough. To this day I am not sure but it was insulting because I am an adult and to have this young man who is 12 years my junior "checking up on me" was not acceptable. I also felt it was immature and unfair for my cousin to make such a stink that action like this was necessary in the first place. If anyone is wondering why I didn't just contact the bride directly, it was due to the lack of responses, callbacks, and texts I DIDN'T get from her. She never responds, and then always claims to have never gotten said vm or text. I thought it would be safer to just give the message directly to a family member.
Which leads me to the fallout that occurred the evening of the dinner itself when I checked my Facebook account and saw a plethora of nasty and disrespectful messages from the MOH as well as the groom. Things like "omg, it was so disrespectful of you to not show up tonight, you should think of your cousin" and "I am so angry I can't even see straight" and "what bank is open at 6 pm in the united states" were hurled at me and made public on my wall. I unfriended both the MOH and groom in short order, but it was still offensive and hurtful. I did offer to bring a copy of my timecard to the MOH to prove my whereabouts, but my offer was declined. Of course.
I was so sad and uncomfortable that at this point I decided it was in everyone's best interest and in the interest of my very sanity that I back out and recuse myself as bridesmaid and wedding guest. After much familial turmoil I spoke with my cousin and informed her that I was "hurt and felt that she didn't even want me present any longer". I implored her to reassure me and tell me that she still wanted me there. To this she replied with "well, I invited you so clearly I want you to be there but it's up to you. If you don't want to come, don't come, I don't have time for this". I opted no but after a special request from my grandfather I decided to attend anyway. (he also confronted her and forced her to tell me that she wanted me there)
The wedding day was very uncomfortable. Neither the bride, the groom or the MOH spoke a single word to me out of sheer spite.
Not only did I not receive a thank you card, but I found out later that my cousin had opted to return my BM thank you gift to the store rather than give it to me. It was a lovely necklace, and if you look in the photos, all the BMS are wearing it....except for one.
We didn't speak for a year after the wedding, and to be honest, things are still strained. I feel like what I thought was a close familial relationship was nothing but a joke to her. Our friendship and kinship will never be the same, and it's all due to compleltey unnecessary bridezilla behavior.
After recently becoming engaged I made the very difficult but conscious decision to omit her from my bridal party altogether. I felt wholly unable to get past the hurt I felt and invite her to share in my special day. I hope that, one day, things can get back to normal but I think it's doubtful. It really is a crying shame. I love my cousin and I wish things were different, but alas they cannot be.
Tell me bees, do you think I've made the right descision?
Also, please share any stories you may have about this topic...