Post # 1
Please correct me if I’m wrong here, but i’m having some BM issues. I decided to go with a small party: MOH, Matron of Honor, and a Jr. BM. I was thinking (foolishly!) that since there were basically only two of them (the JR is only 12 and will have a different dress all together) we could all agree on something. Well, I had it narrowed down to three dresses and they both went and tried them on. We all live in different states, so I went with David’s, thinking they were everywhere.
Myself and the Matron of honor, love one of the dresses (F13185). It’s by far my favorite and what I had envisioned my girls wearing. It’s a one shoulder, flowy dress that they’ll wear in black. The MOH, on the other hand, doesn’t like it because it’s not flattering on her. She claims that it just hangs on her (which, is pretty much the style of the dress). She and I have slightly similar body types, so I went in and tried them all on. I thought the dress was great! Super comfortable and very elegant. I was almost wishing I were a bm 🙂
Well, when I emailed them yesterday about what I had thought, everything blew up. She will absolutely not wear that dress because it does not look good on her. She went as far as to send me other options of dresses that she likes better. The dresses are ok, but not something I would choose. I tried to explain to her how I hoped my wedding would look, but it’s not working. I even offered to compromise and let them wear different yet still similar dresses (same material, etc). I’m really not thrilled about them both wearing something different, but at the same time, I don’t have the patience to deal with this stuff! I feel like i’m losing control of my own wedding! ha!
Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
No you are not being unreasonable! If that’s what you want them to wear then case closed! I let all my girls pick out their own dresses in tea length and the lapis color from David’s Bridal. I will say that the Jersey Knit fabric was very clingy and didn’t look good on most of my girls even the skinny-mini girls.
Post # 4
I would let them wear different dresses. I would have to have a BM *hate* her dress and think she looked bad.
Post # 5
Ugh. That’s really annoying. Part of being a MOH/BM what have you is that you suck it up and wear the dress. I’ve worn plenty I didn’t find flattering, knowing full well it’s not my decision to make. Have I bitched about the dress to the other BMs? Hell yeah! Would I EVER in a million years say a peep to the bride – absolutely not. She’s being a brat. I’m really non-confrontational and I’m happy I don’t have this issue, but if I did I know I’d feel like a total B-zilla telling her where she can shove her opinion about the dress, but seriously – it’s your wedding. If that’s the dress you are 100% set on, that’s the dress she needs to wear. It’s DB, not Lela Rose, so it’s not like she’s spending $400 on something she hates. I think you need to try and talk to her about it if it’s absolutely THE ONE that you want them to wear. If you’re willing to forgo a bit of conflict and settle for something else, you’re a sweetheart HOWEVER I don’t think it sets a good precedent if you let her walk all over you this early in the process. Does the Matron of Honor know her well? Do any of your family members? Maybe someone other than you could sit her down and explain the concept of selflessness and how brides pick the bridesmaids dresses, not the other way around.
Post # 6
This is tough, because you’d think she’s really have to HATE it to be so strongly opposed to wearing it. One one hand, it’s you wedding and she should do whatever it takes to make you happy, on the other hand, you’re a good friend who doesn’t want your friend looking like crap in front of all your guests.
I’d offer up the other dress options you’d be okay with and see if she can find one of those that she likes. Having them all 3 in different dresses won’t look weird or anything, so I’d roll with the punches on this one and not stress about it.
Post # 7
You know what I’m thinking? It’s not worth it. You have a Jr. wearing something different and only two bridesmaids…just have them all wear a different dress.
Post # 8
I also hate confrontation! Which is why i’m in a tizzy. I was even planning on buying the dresses, which they both know. I really had my heart set on a dress from Nordstrom at the beginning of this whole process but, unfortunately, they don’t carry it anymore. I suggested using DB (I got my dress elsewhere) so that they could both try stuff on.
The matron of honor did try to reason with her, but to no avail. This is a bridesmaid-zilla not to be reckoned with!
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
“Refuses”? That’s insane. That’s kind of the biggest part of a bm’s job description: get and wear the damn dress.
I didn’t get any complaints from my bridesmaids, but if I had, I would have told them the truth: they could dress me in chartreuse organza for their weddings and I won’t complain, but I picked the dress and if they want to be in the wedding they’re wearing it. 😉
Post # 10
I think she is wrong and should just suck it up because that is the “normal” thing to do. Having said that, I do think the “normal” thing kind of sucks. I think it is pretty silly that we, as brides, would expect someone we love to stand up in public in front of tons of people in something that makes her feel really self-conscious.
I am so particular about how I look in what I wear. I know it is my own neurosis, but the thought of having to be in public in a dress that I do not feel good in gives me panic attacks. I would hope that those who I love would be considerate of that and want me to be comfortable and to enjoy their wedding.
Sure, it is your wedding. But it is also her body. We ask our bridesmaids to stand with us at our marriage. We aren’t really casting them in a production that requires a certain costume.
Post # 11
I agree. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable, which is why i’m still searching for alternatives that will work. I’ve really only made suggestions as to what I envisioned and let them narrow it down.
What really got me was the way she went and told me how it was going to be.
I appreciate all of your feedback!
Post # 12
I dunno, though. When you think about it, a wedding kind of is quite a production. I don’t know if you have a “style” or “theme” or just a general aesthetic that you’re going for with yours, but the BM dresses, whether we like it or not, are a part of that overall look. Yes, it’s her body and in an ideal world the dresses we choose would be flattering on everyone and everyone would love them and wear them again etc etc, but that never happens.
I think that, more than the specific issue of the dress, the general problem here is that you are feeling disrespected and this girl is being pretty selfish and rude to you by telling you the dress that you picked out that you like and think is pretty is ugly and refusing to wear it. At the heart of the issue there is a lack of respect and the dress issue itself is kind of secondary, IMO. Has she ever been in a wedding before?
Post # 13
I had the exact same issue a few months ago probably worse than you. She went so far as to bringing me to a completely different bridal shop a smaller one in town to try to convince me that short dresses are better when that’s not what I wanted.
I also went to Davids for the same reasons of 2 BMs being from out of state. She refused to wear the one that all 4 other BM’s LOVED and they didn’t like the ones that she was choosing. It looked flattering on all body types. She looked great in it. Trust me, why would I want them to look bad? That’s horrible.
She got to the point calling me bridezilla and pulled her son out of our wedding stating she didn’t have enough money to pay for him. So when she asked if she could come with to taste test cake she blew up because we weren’t having cake. Neither my fiance or myself like it so we are doing rootbeer floats. I definitely told her she wasn’t needed in our day anymore.
Post # 14
WOW – your MOH needs a smack up side the head and a reality check.. especially if you were going to pay for the dress!!! Yeesh. Personally, I’d have a heart to heart with her, but I’m more of a confrontational person. It just depends on how much grief you are willing to take to have them in teh same dress. I’d certainly say that you not offer to pay for the dress that she is choosing.
Post # 15
I was going to say if you offer to buy the dress, then she can’t complain that it’s something she has to pay for and then never wear again, but it sounds like you were already planning on buying the dresses for them anyway. This is a tough one – as a BM I’ve always just worn what I’ve been asked to even if I didn’t like it. And those are dresses that I paid for! If you’re paying for it, she should wear it. Maybe give it a few days for everyone to cool off and then revisit the topic?
Post # 16
Wow.. I would never tell a bride that! I was going to be in a wedding recently and I thought the bridesmaids dress she picked out was the ugliest worst dress she could have chose.. but did I ever mention a word about it to her? no! and I bought the dress with a smile!
If you really want to please her (I say stick with the original dress and tell her to wear it or wear something else and sit in the audience) this one looks a bit like that one but it a different material..