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I voted to keep her, but it does have conditions. One: you talk to her and say "hey, I still want to be your BM, it's just that it's such short notice, could we maybe go halvsies and I'll pay you back when I get the money." Two: keep her if she has already bought the dress (it's not fair to kick somebody out that has already spent money on your wedding). Three: ask her if she honestly wants to be in your wedding, if not then your decision is made.
I second the idea of talking with her and seeing if you can perhaps pay half now, half later. If you discount what's happened in the last month or two, is she somebody you'd like to see in your future? If yes, then you may want to keep her in the wedding. Weddings do crazy stuff to some brides, including your friend.
@Toffee: I talked to her immediately afeter she made this decision and told her how bad it hurt me that she had no other suggestions (i.e go half, do a payback plan, ask me could I borrow it from someone, make me a reader, ask me to do something else that was meaningful to her but didn't require spending money immediately). All she said was "Im sorry". She has since then replaced me on her wedding website and added another Bridesmaid. And hasn't called/contacted me since last week. Also, she has already ordered the BM dresses for her wedding. She has not ordered a dress for my wedding.
@maisymay: She is a fun girl and has a sweet heart so I love her dearly, but she allows many other people to dictate her life (her mom, sisters, anyone who will tell her what to do). Sadly, we have had many run ins with me feeling unappreciated as a friend, but I continue to make emotional sacrifices to save our friendship.
Sounds like you might as well tell her that you feel it would be best if she weren't a part of your wedding. I'm sorry. It seems like weddings really show us who our true friends are and aren't.
After the first part of the story, I was ready to chalk it up to a miscommunication between you and her, but after learning that she cut you off cold turkey and took your name off the website, I would completely understand if you felt that your relationship with her is not happy/healthy enough for her to be your BM now.
Replace her, she doesn't value your friendship from what I've read. Unfortunately, situations like this come up and either you let yourself get walked over or stand up for yourself and have the ones you love most closely around you!
Hi date twin!!!
After reading your update, I would suggest that you not have her in your wedding. She doesn't seem like a good friend. You shouldn't have to keep making emotional scarafices to be someone's friend.
i second what everyone else has said but i would sit down and have a conversation with her about it first. give her the respect that she didn't give you.
@airythia: I think thats a good idea. Its going to be very hard for me to do without breaking into tears because I really love her and care about her as a friend, but at some point I have to put my own feelings first, since clearly she won't. It sucks but honestly I think it will show how much she really cares about our friendship (as in will she want to be friends still).
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Weddings make people crazy and I think they really do show who your true friends are. If she was a true friend she would at least talk to you about options if you can't afford the dress right now. I was in a similar situation with a wedding I was in one month after my own. I told her I couldn't afford it because I was paying for my own wedding, and she shunned me. Talked crap about me, the whole nine. We aren't even on speaking terms at all. I was so bummed crying every night after it happened, but at some point you have to worry about yourself and only do what is within your means. Unfortunately it seems like money can break up a friendship when it comes to weddings, and to me that's really sad, but I'd rather know someone's intentions rather then continue my friendship with that person to be disapointed. I'm so sorry :(
@Miss Cheeky: I hate that you had to go through that! How dare she talk trash about you for being up front weith her about not being able to afford it? I kinda have a feeling that its not really about money, its more about them getting exactly what they want when they want it. It sucks because it seemed that it was more important to my "friend" to have a 4 person wedding party (now 5) than to have a great friend by her side. And the truth is, If she had made a more compelling argument I probably could have pushed a few things back and moved some things around to try to come up with the money (one of my FI's friends even said he would have loaned me the money, after the fact) but she seemed like I wasn't that important to her wedding. Why put my credit and bills on hold for someone who wouldn't do the same for me? Sigh...it sucks :-(
@kies, I am so sorry! and miss cheeky is right, for some odd reason, weddings really show who your friends are. I lost two bridesmaids, and one of them didn't even tell me she was backing out of the wedding. I found out from my sister, who doesn't even know her! I was so hurt. And she never even talked to me about it, after I heard about it from my sister, I talked to my fiance and he told me the whole story (cause the BM was his sister, who I was getting really close to) and said he hadn't told me before because she had said she'd talk to me. well she never did, and it really hurt me. So I had to ask his other sister to be a Jr. BM to take her place. his sister and I haven't talked since and I'm so worried this will be a detriment in our future relationship, I hope not.
My other BM and I have had so many fights during this wedding time too, and we've been best friends since 5th grade! It's so stupid and silly and awful.
My sister has been completely amazing through everything though, and I feel we're actually closer. She is the most selfless person in the world though :)
Wow. I say dump her as a bridesmaid and friend. One of my needy bridesmaids is acting like this toward me but it's mainly because I'm getting married and she wishes that it was her. I don't call, text or even care. I wish she would call me and drop out to make my life easier. Good luck and don't let selfish friends bring you down.
Wow, I would drop her as your bridesmaid. That is so rude of her to just kick you out and all she says is sorry? If she thought of you as a good friend, she would have make it work. (I was willing to pay airfare and everything for a bridesmaid to come out.)
Wow, I'm surprised you would even consider someone like this a friend, much less a potential MOH. I would drop her from your wedding and your life.
Do you think she was getting pressure to have her cousin in the wedding and when you brought up the money issue she took that as a reason to bump you?
I agree with all the other girls that weddings are nuts! They make people do the craziest things. I have 7 BM's and the worst one that I have been having to deal with is my Sister in Law.. If it's not one thing it's another. I was just in her wedding and almost felt like a slave to her. Now that she's in my wedding, I haven't expected anything from her besides buying the dress, maybe responding to emails when I ask questions..and that is pulling teeth.. Some people are just not into something when it doesn't really have anything to do with them...enough about that rant..lol
I'm sure she is ignoring you cause she is embarrassed?
Can you write her a email telling her your feelings and see if you get a better line of communication from that?
If you don't get a good response I would start looking for a different girl to be in your wedding.
Good luck :)
Honestly; It sounds to me like you should wait and see what she does... Her wedding is in July. Will she at least send you an invite? Will you talk to her before then? She dumped you; not the other way around. So it's up to her to keep the peace. You made it known how hurt you were that she dropped you and all she could muster up was an "I'm Sorry" with no explanation. If she doesn't make an effort to contact you or make plans for YOUR wedding; once her's is over; then I'd say it should kind of go without saying that she's not in your wedding. Good Luck! I know it sucks; but sometimes no matter how much you love someone; you just gotta let them go. Sometimes it's out of your control.
I said "other" becuase I don't know they whole situation! To me, if you replace her just becuase she replaced you, then it is being petty. BUT, if you really don't know if you want her to be a part of your wedding, and maybe had thoughts before about not having her, then I would replace her.
We are tight with money too and my best friend (MOH) didnt have money to purchase her dress either, so instead of booting her I went and bought the dress for her and told her she can pay me back when she has the money. The dress was on clearance for $80 but it didnt matter, I didnt want $80 to stand in the way of her standing beside me on my wedding day. A bride should always consider her bridal party's need as they are expected to do for her. I voted to keep her because i've learned over the years that it feels good to be the bigger person and not stoop down to anybody's level.
Okay, so at first, I was understanding both sides. It's stressful as a bride (as you also know!) when your friends and family accept the position of a wedding party member, and then start complaining about the price of stuff even though you go out of your way to find really good, reasonably-priced options.
BUT, what this friend did was so wrong. When I got to the end of your thread, and I immediately thought, drop her like a hot potato! Yes, it IS frustrating to hear that your girls can't afford the dress, but how to handle it is by listening and working something out!I honestly think she just wanted you out of the wedding party. And I hate saying this because you sound like such a sweet girl. But she isn't worth the energy. Invite her as a guest and call it a day. Be grateful that you can now put that $135 toward your own wedding.
Gosh, this ticks me off. We had a bad falling out with two groomsmen, and out of respect for the relationship (even though they completely ruined it), we waited over a month to remove them from our website, and didn't even replace them. The thought of replacing them didn't even cross our minds until at least a few weeks after, and we just decided not to.
I'd talk to her about it first. She might not have realized how she came across - her heart might've been in the right place thinking she was giving you an out but not realizing she was hurtful.
If she gives you attitude after that, then I def say ditch her and save the $ & hassle of being her bridesmaid.
Thanks ladies for your advice. I really agree that the ball should be in her court; she knows what she did, and she knows how I feel about it. If she chooses to ignore it and not communicate with me (hasn't talked to me since then...btw we live 5 minutes away from each other) then I will have no choice but to replace her. I don't think that that type of friend will be around in the long run...I dont want to look back at pictures of my wedding and see that im no longer friends with my BM. The thing that really bothers me is that there was no "we will find a way to make sure you have a dress" it was just "my cousin can be a bridesmaid instead, since you can't buy the dress." Additionally, I never said I couldn't afford the dress, I just couldnt cough up the money immediately with no notice whatsoever. Ugh...it hurts to lose a friend...but then again, im not quite sure if we were ever friends to begin with if this could have happened so easily.
It could very well be that she relieved you with good intentions - she may have truly felt her wedding was putting a financial burden on you, and she may rather you come as a guest without the stress of paying for more than you can afford.
I would keep her as a BM - if she is still willing to stand up with you on your big day, that may be her way of showing you that there are no hard feelings.
Replace her. Doesn't sound like this freindship is going anywhere good.
Yeah, I'm not sure what the right answer would be except I def wouldn't consider her for MOH.
I could be wrong, but I can't help but think that knowing she was your BM, when she dumped you, she probably considered this might have implications for your wedding. Maybe she didn't care that you'd drop her. Or if she didn't consider how that might impact you having her as a MB, what does that tell you?
Granted she said she dropped you to relieve you of money troubles, but I agree with you that she certainly didn't seem to give much effort to help you out to keep you. Could be that she wasbeing pressured by family to havethe cousin. But still, she should stand up for your relationship, since you'vebeen the only one to stick by her at times. And if she was pressured, she could have just added the cousin without removing you.
If it was me, I'd probably let her go. (But sometimes I act in anger:( ) I likethe idea of tlaking to her. I also think you should consider the reasons, and if you're willing to lose the friendship. (Of course she should have considered the same thing.)
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with something like this. We all know that planning a wedding can get stressful, but if she really wanted you do be a BM she would have come up with some other idea about the dress/money then to automatically replace you with someone else.
I would talk to her, but seriously think about removing her at a BM.
I think you need to talk it over with her at least one more time. This is obviously a friendship that you once held dear, I wouldn't want to lose a really good friend over a wedding mishap.
With the way she acts, who knows if she will even end up participating on your wedding? Sorry you're having all this trouble, but from the way she's been described, it doesn't really sound like it's worth having a friendship with her in the first place. It already sounds like a one-sided relationship where you're doing all of the work.
I may be the only one here who thinks this, but maybe she thought she was helping out? Not sure, but it's crazy being both a bride and a bm at the same time. Been there dun that before.
Maybe have a heart to heart talk and invite her out for lunch? I think the time invested in a friendship tells alot. Maybe it just needs more communication to clear the air?
Treat other's as you would like to be treated... Even though she did that to you I still think you should keep her. I mean she was trying to help you out from spending a hundred and something dollars that you didn't have. My MOH is complaining to me a lot that she doesn't have the money to be in my wedding and its too bad. I wish I could replace her and if I found someone to do that I would. But I might try to help her buy the dress it cost $120... Well, anyways.. Good luck in what ever you decide and keep us posted..
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One of my on again, off again friends recently (as in late Feb) decided to get married this July and asked me to be a BM. At first, she was not recieving support from her two sisters (both MOHs) and I was the only one respecting her decision to get married to a guy that she had only been dating for 3 weeks (they were previously in a 5 month relationship). After her sisters came on board, she pretty much ditched me and started talking with them about everything. Two weeks ago, we finally saw each other and she showed me the BM dress she thought she wanted us to wear. A week later she told me she needed to order the dresses immediately (because they had a 6-12 week delivery period) and asked me for the $$$. The dresses were not terribly expensive ($135) but I am a self supported college student with a really tight budget (i.e beanie weanies for dinner weekly) and trying to save for my own wedding. When i told her how it was a tight situation since she needed the money immediately, she called and told me that she could "help relieve my financial burden" by replacing me as a BM with her cousin.
I am very hurt that her first and ONLY suggestion was to immediately replace me. I have been a GREAT friend to her (she's a needy friend) since high school and always have been there for her when she needed it. I even went through A LOT of trouble to help her FI find her ring, buy her ring, pick her diamond, and propose to her. Her only suggestion (and she seemed to already have her mind made up when she called) was to replace me.
I previously asked her to be a BM (possibly MOH) in my wedding in Jan, but now I feel as though she doesn't deserve that honor. How could I put someone in my wedding that Im not even sure will be around in 5 years because of how she treats our friendship. Should I "replace" her in my wedding as well? Or would that be petty?