Post # 1
One of my on again, off again friends recently (as in late Feb) decided to get married this July and asked me to be a BM. At first, she was not recieving support from her two sisters (both MOHs) and I was the only one respecting her decision to get married to a guy that she had only been dating for 3 weeks (they were previously in a 5 month relationship). After her sisters came on board, she pretty much ditched me and started talking with them about everything. Two weeks ago, we finally saw each other and she showed me the BM dress she thought she wanted us to wear. A week later she told me she needed to order the dresses immediately (because they had a 6-12 week delivery period) and asked me for the $$$. The dresses were not terribly expensive ($135) but I am a self supported college student with a really tight budget (i.e beanie weanies for dinner weekly) and trying to save for my own wedding. When i told her how it was a tight situation since she needed the money immediately, she called and told me that she could “help relieve my financial burden” by replacing me as a BM with her cousin.
I am very hurt that her first and ONLY suggestion was to immediately replace me. I have been a GREAT friend to her (she’s a needy friend) since high school and always have been there for her when she needed it. I even went through A LOT of trouble to help her FI find her ring, buy her ring, pick her diamond, and propose to her. Her only suggestion (and she seemed to already have her mind made up when she called) was to replace me.
I previously asked her to be a BM (possibly MOH) in my wedding in Jan, but now I feel as though she doesn’t deserve that honor. How could I put someone in my wedding that Im not even sure will be around in 5 years because of how she treats our friendship. Should I “replace” her in my wedding as well? Or would that be petty?
Post # 3
I voted to keep her, but it does have conditions. One: you talk to her and say “hey, I still want to be your BM, it’s just that it’s such short notice, could we maybe go halvsies and I’ll pay you back when I get the money.” Two: keep her if she has already bought the dress (it’s not fair to kick somebody out that has already spent money on your wedding). Three: ask her if she honestly wants to be in your wedding, if not then your decision is made.
Post # 4
I second the idea of talking with her and seeing if you can perhaps pay half now, half later. If you discount what’s happened in the last month or two, is she somebody you’d like to see in your future? If yes, then you may want to keep her in the wedding. Weddings do crazy stuff to some brides, including your friend.
Post # 5
@Toffee: I talked to her immediately afeter she made this decision and told her how bad it hurt me that she had no other suggestions (i.e go half, do a payback plan, ask me could I borrow it from someone, make me a reader, ask me to do something else that was meaningful to her but didn’t require spending money immediately). All she said was “Im sorry”. She has since then replaced me on her wedding website and added another Bridesmaid. And hasn’t called/contacted me since last week. Also, she has already ordered the BM dresses for her wedding. She has not ordered a dress for my wedding.
@maisymay: She is a fun girl and has a sweet heart so I love her dearly, but she allows many other people to dictate her life (her mom, sisters, anyone who will tell her what to do). Sadly, we have had many run ins with me feeling unappreciated as a friend, but I continue to make emotional sacrifices to save our friendship.
Post # 6
Sounds like you might as well tell her that you feel it would be best if she weren’t a part of your wedding. I’m sorry. It seems like weddings really show us who our true friends are and aren’t.
Post # 7
After the first part of the story, I was ready to chalk it up to a miscommunication between you and her, but after learning that she cut you off cold turkey and took your name off the website, I would completely understand if you felt that your relationship with her is not happy/healthy enough for her to be your BM now.
Post # 8
Replace her, she doesn’t value your friendship from what I’ve read. Unfortunately, situations like this come up and either you let yourself get walked over or stand up for yourself and have the ones you love most closely around you!
Post # 9
Hi date twin!!!
After reading your update, I would suggest that you not have her in your wedding. She doesn’t seem like a good friend. You shouldn’t have to keep making emotional scarafices to be someone’s friend.
Post # 10
i second what everyone else has said but i would sit down and have a conversation with her about it first. give her the respect that she didn’t give you.
Post # 11
@airythia: I think thats a good idea. Its going to be very hard for me to do without breaking into tears because I really love her and care about her as a friend, but at some point I have to put my own feelings first, since clearly she won’t. It sucks but honestly I think it will show how much she really cares about our friendship (as in will she want to be friends still).
Post # 12
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Weddings make people crazy and I think they really do show who your true friends are. If she was a true friend she would at least talk to you about options if you can’t afford the dress right now. I was in a similar situation with a wedding I was in one month after my own. I told her I couldn’t afford it because I was paying for my own wedding, and she shunned me. Talked crap about me, the whole nine. We aren’t even on speaking terms at all. I was so bummed crying every night after it happened, but at some point you have to worry about yourself and only do what is within your means. Unfortunately it seems like money can break up a friendship when it comes to weddings, and to me that’s really sad, but I’d rather know someone’s intentions rather then continue my friendship with that person to be disapointed. I’m so sorry 🙁
Post # 13
@Miss Cheeky: I hate that you had to go through that! How dare she talk trash about you for being up front weith her about not being able to afford it? I kinda have a feeling that its not really about money, its more about them getting exactly what they want when they want it. It sucks because it seemed that it was more important to my “friend” to have a 4 person wedding party (now 5) than to have a great friend by her side. And the truth is, If she had made a more compelling argument I probably could have pushed a few things back and moved some things around to try to come up with the money (one of my FI’s friends even said he would have loaned me the money, after the fact) but she seemed like I wasn’t that important to her wedding. Why put my credit and bills on hold for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me? Sigh…it sucks 🙁
Post # 14
@kies, I am so sorry! and miss cheeky is right, for some odd reason, weddings really show who your friends are. I lost two bridesmaids, and one of them didn’t even tell me she was backing out of the wedding. I found out from my sister, who doesn’t even know her! I was so hurt. And she never even talked to me about it, after I heard about it from my sister, I talked to my fiance and he told me the whole story (cause the BM was his sister, who I was getting really close to) and said he hadn’t told me before because she had said she’d talk to me. well she never did, and it really hurt me. So I had to ask his other sister to be a Jr. BM to take her place. his sister and I haven’t talked since and I’m so worried this will be a detriment in our future relationship, I hope not.
My other BM and I have had so many fights during this wedding time too, and we’ve been best friends since 5th grade! It’s so stupid and silly and awful.
My sister has been completely amazing through everything though, and I feel we’re actually closer. She is the most selfless person in the world though 🙂
Post # 15
Wow. I say dump her as a bridesmaid and friend. One of my needy bridesmaids is acting like this toward me but it’s mainly because I’m getting married and she wishes that it was her. I don’t call, text or even care. I wish she would call me and drop out to make my life easier. Good luck and don’t let selfish friends bring you down.
Post # 16
Wow, I would drop her as your bridesmaid. That is so rude of her to just kick you out and all she says is sorry? If she thought of you as a good friend, she would have make it work. (I was willing to pay airfare and everything for a bridesmaid to come out.)