- 6 years ago
This is long, but some background is needed. PLEASE READ/SKIM IT & HELP! I am the former BM/hopeful hostess and I need some perspective.
I need some guidance from people who are outside of my circle. One of my besties is getting married and asked me to be one of her BMs. I love her to bits and of course was ecstatic and honored. At first the BMs were going to be allowed to pick their own dresses, but a few months later the Bride and Groom decided that they wanted more uniformity. The Bride fell in love with these gorgeous strapless, sweet heart neckline couture cocktail dresses.
I came to her in confidence and told her that I had scars on my shoulders and back from when I was a child that I never show in public (it is an insecurity of mine, we all have them), and that I would not wear such a dress because it would be uncomfortble for me (walking, taking pictures, socializing). I asked if I could have the dress modified to add a bit of sheer fabric at the shoulders, but she thought that it would mess up the look, and when we inquired, the designer claimed that they did not sell extra fabric.
At this point (earlier this year), because I felt that I was getting in the way, I asked if I could not be a bridesmaid and be helpful by sending out invitations, collecting them, planning party favors, etc, being a hostess. She told me that she wanted me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and that I could do all of those other things and still be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but bottom line, she wanted me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. She also spoke to her groom about this and he essentially said that I should get over it. Believe me, if I could get over it, I would have way before being asked to be in her wedding! lol. I love fashion and would love to rock purely strapless tops and dresses.
Anyway, I agreed to stay a Bridesmaid or Best Man and she found a new dress shop and gave half the bridesmaids the 1st couture dress and the other half of the bridesmaids the second dress at the new shop, still a strapless sweetheart dress, but the shop would allow me to purchase extra sheer fabric to have some coverage added. This worked out well for me, was a great compromise, and also worked for another Bridesmaid or Best Man who is plus size and could not fit the 1st couture dress. I made sure to thank the Bride for doing this.
Last week, the Maid/Matron of Honor sent an email to everyone with three shoes that were the same style, but with different beading. She asked which did we like, if any. I responded that I didn’t like any of them, especially because they would not fit fat feet (like mine, just keeping it real). Like literally, my feet would hang off. Pretty shoe, but not for me. I asked if those were the only options and was told that they were. I then sent an email to the bride joking saying that I enjoyed being her Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I would never be a Bridesmaid or Best Man again because people make you wear things that aren’t flattering. I made it clear to her that I wouldnt dare ask her to change the shoe, because she had already addressed my scar issue, but that I didn’t like the shoe. I even added some “lol”s to the message, because I was just being honest and poking fun like a friend would. BUT THEN…
Out of nowhere the Bride tells me that I am being selfish nothing but selfish, that I think this is all about me and it’s her day, that I need to let her know whether I still want to in the wedding, and that all of this has to stop! This caught me off guard, made me terribly upset and sad because I never said that didnt want to be in the wedding, and all I joked about was wearing the shoes on my fat feet… I mean, I said that I would wear the shoes, because it is just shoes and she is the bride. Then she responded by saying that I was messing up her vision and she didnt want her wedding to look like a clown show.
It was apparent to me from her comments that she (and the groom… he is heavily into the planning) resented my dress situation, as why else would she bring that up? She then asked me what i was hoping to achieve on her day and then said essentially, whatever, I am being selfish but where this shoe and dress talk was going wasn’t worth destroying our friendship. I was in shock, but in full agreement.
So I wrote back that because it seems that she was resenting my dress situation, and dont want to mess up her day or ruin our friendship, I would step down as Bridesmaid or Best Man, and asked her if I could be a part of the planning and wedding day in another way, such as hostess, etc. She has been non responsive. I did also tell her that whoever the new Bridesmaid or Best Man is can have my dress and my dress deposit.
Was I wrong? I had no idea they had so much of an issue with my dress situation and I am deeply saddened that she’d think that I was trying to be selfish or ruin her day. I truly feel as if I did the right thing, so that they can have the look they want and I can be on the sidelines helping her out, cheering her on, and making it perfectly clear that the day is all about her.