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Unless you're paying for the dress she certainly has the right to say whether or not she thinks the price is worth the dress and to give you opinons. Most people will go with the actual people that have to wear the dress to pick it out. How much is reasonable to you, if you don't mind me asking?
i don't think it's over the line for her to suggest one, no.
for her to refuse to wear your choice. . .now that is another thing. but just to send another option over email, I wouldn't be offended by that. i would be maybe a little disappointed that she didn't like the dress you picked.
Well I may be the wrong person to ask, but I didn't ask all my BMs to come shopping with me and pick out a dress. Everyone lives far away and there just wasn't time. I also happened to find dresses I love while out shopping with my two best friends.
Am I crazy or does she have the right to challenge a decision I have already made?
although your wedding is important it isnt a dictatorship on other peoples feelings or thoughts so she has the "right" to discuss it with you
i also think you also have the right to say this is the dress ive picked and as long as its not ourtrageously expensive or hideous then i think a BM either needs to suck it up or step aside, you have heard her concerns and thoughts and if they dont sway you its thank you but ive chosen this
I think your BM has a right to have some input on the dress but you of course make the final decision. It's already too late but it may have been helpful to include your BMs in the choices or show them some options you were considering. Did you ask them what they would be comfortable spending? Reasonable to you may not be reasonable to them especially if they don't like the dress.
I have worn many a BM dress I hated and felt like the money was a waste as soon as I spent it so it would be nice for the bride to consider the BM feelings even if it is "her day." Although her approach to you could have been better, your response of demoting her to reader wasn't helpful either.
@brittneyumd - Your friend probably should've been a bit more cautious about how she phrased her thoughts on the dress (which put you on the defensive), but she does have a right to voice her opinion. I don't know how you went about making the decision, but it's usually a good idea to share your top choices with your BM's before announcing your final decision. Your comment about becoming a reader instead of a BM may have been upsetting to her, so I would probably apologize. Hopefully, everything works out for you guys. Just my two cents...
@brittneyumd: I don't think she's out of line. Not all dresses look great on everyone. I think if the girls have to pay for a dress, they should at least get a say in it. You could take her suggestion and add it to some others and have vote.
I don't think the BM is out of line. She has to pay for it, she has to wear it and she has to be comfortable in it. I could understand how she would be annoyed that she wasn't even asked what type of dress she wanted to wear but just told to be up (been there done that and was sooo pissed).
I too have 7 bridesmaids and I took them all shopping at different times, we tried ona bunch of dresses and narrowed it down to two. then we have people vote and i had the final say. I can honestly say that all 7 of my girls like the dress they'll be wearing. so yes, it is possible.
I agree with PP. I have been fortunate in being able to pick out every dress I have worn in weddings in my adult lift but if someone picked out something I didn't like or want to spend the money on, I more than likely would say something. The fact that she said something isn't out of line but maybe the way she approached it was.
I think it was obnoxious of her. Not so much because it is "challenging your decision" but just because it is rude and against what I consider BM etiquette. I've been a BM a bunch of times where we had no input on the dress. I hated some of them, sure, but I bought it, paid for it, got it altered, wore it, and shut my mouth about it to the bride. I did make fun of them with other BMs though. That is the way you are supposed to deal with that situation. It is one of the only real "duties" that a BM has.
But if these girls are your friends, surely you'd prefer it if the dress is something they like/might consider wearing again? I mean I've only been a BM once, but the Bride pays for the dresses over here, so even though it was horrible, I just got on with it. Would it not be easier for everyone concerned if you picked a fabric and colour and let them each pick a style they like?
It just seems to me like this could be the kind of row that lasts long after the wedding. I mean I know they *should* wear the dress you pick, but isn't it better if they don't wind up resenting you for it? Or you feeling like you had to bully them into it?
Best of luck with it. At least you still have plenty of time to sort it out.
I would have agreed with the PP if she said she felt uncomfortable with the style of the dress or couldn't afford it or something like that but saying she showed it to her coworkers and they thought it was basic and looked like it came from the mall so here is another suggestion is crossing the line to me.
Gonna have to say I agree with the rest she wasn't out of line to suggest something else. She does have to pay after all. I agree with you too though that you can't please all 7 of them.
I definately think you over reacted
I don't think your BM was out of line per say. Maybe her wording on the email was not correct but she does have her right to an opinion also. She has to wear the dress, yes it is your wedding however she is the one who needs to be comfortable and pay for the dress. Yes you are the bride and have final say but remember you are not the one who has to wear the dress.
I know for mine, I had both my bridesmaids come with and try on dresses (even though I had one that I really liked) Wanted to see what the dresses looked like on before making a final decision. Even my Jr BM chose her dress. I had her look at 2 dress links (she is a differ state) she chose one and that is the one I ordered.
I let my BMs choose their dress, I told them that all I wanted was to approve their choice, when I chose the more expensive of their two choices, I paid the difference in cost.. so I really don't think she stepped over the line... for her to want to leave the bridal party because of it is pretty rude and excessive though...
Weeeelllll, as someone who has been dressing herself for a couple of decades, I wouldn't be okay with someone just emailing me out of the blue saying 'And this is the dress I've picked out'. I would be a lot more diplomatic telling you that I don't like the dress and if we could have an input etc. When you have 7 ladies, be prepared that there would be no consensus on dresses to wear. Anyhow, I don't know which is worse, her telling you it's basic or my sister telling me my JCrew dress is 'Boring and uninspired' I didn't care though, it's not like it's the first time she told me I dress too..boring :(
I see how you were hurt by your BM's response...I know that when I sent out my dress, I was just hoping for "IT IS GORGEOUS, I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR IT!!!" types of responses.
When I got some lukewarm comments from one of my friends I felt myself getting really defensive. It took me a couple of days to get over it. I think it's hard because you have to make SO many decisions when you're planning a wedding and if you're anything like me, you sometimes second-guessing some of your choices.
I would be careful with how you respond---take it as her wanting to be involved, and offer suggestions about how she can help . Could she do price comparisions (netbride, house of brides, Pearl's place) to make sure you're getting a great deal? Or could she research shoes or accessories?
I really doubt she meant to offend you, she probably just wasn't aware of how sensitive brides can be about this stuff. And, you know what? Even if she did mean to be a little snarky in order to push you towards another dress, you don't have to respond to it.
I agree with bride2be. I've never had a say in a BM dress I've worn, and I had at least one weird one (that I had to make myself.) It's not necessarily outside the rules of etiquette for her to suggest a dress, but really, it's part of being a bridesmaid to wear whatever the bride picked. If the dress is out of your price range, you tell the bride - either she can help you or find a different dress. If it's woefully unflattering, you can express concerns - either the bride finds a fix, finds a different dress, or the bridesmaid can back out (the crazy dress I mentioned earlier showed ALL my cleavage - I told the bride, and she tacked on a weird scarf thing with a giant brooch. Terrible dress, but at least my boobs weren't threatening to suffocate people.) I'm speaking as a bridesmaid instead of a bride here (I chose a universally flattering style with a wrap and found a color each girl would love - all three said they love the dress.) But saying the dress is too basic... That's just saying "not my style, pick something else." Not her wedding day, and she agreed to be a bridesmaid.
I went without half of my four BMs to pick out a dress because they're very busy and scattered across the midwest. Putting myself in your shoes, if they would have suggested another dress, I would have been slightly annoyed because I did so much lead-up work in picking out a dress that would look good on everyone and also be reasonably priced, and we spent a couple hours at the salon. I did send out an e-mail with a couple different styles on it before we went, though, to get everyone's reactions so I would know in general what they would like.
I wouldn't say she doesn't have the 'right' to suggest another one, though! That's taking it way too far.
Well I think her approach might not have been the best. She didn't need to say the dress was basic. She could have just said that she found a dress the was cheaper or more flattering to her figure.
However, I don't think you've been sending warm fuzzies either. Yes, it would be difficult please all 7 Bms with one dress. But that's why brides often let Bms pick something that suits them in one particular color etc. You could have atleast gathered some information from the Bms. Ya know, stuff like their price range or if they feel uncomfortable in certain styles. And even though youwent with your MOH, I don't think getting the opinion of one, is a decent enough sample of what others would find acceptable. Maybe if you had taken 3-4? Also, your reaction to your BM seemed so simple, "wear it or do a reading". It sounds like you care about having the dress in your wedding over your friend.
I've been in numerous weddings and most of which I didnt have the choice on the dress. But I will say the ones where I had some input on the dress were the weddings I had a better time at because I was comfortable in the dress and happy with what I paid and that I had some input into what I had to wear. Dont be offended, be happy she is engaged in your wedding enough to care!
I just have to add that saying a dress is 'basic for the price' isn't rude at all! I mean, I see some bm dresses here that are just a simple long dress, nothing special, and they have a $200 price tag (J crew comes to mind). If I got an email from the bride about some very basic long gown and the price was over $150 I would certainly tell her that for such a basic style it coudl be gotten at Macy's or David's for much, much less. There is nothing wrong with saying that. If it's a style that everyone and their brother offers then it should be looked at for the least cost. IMO
If you had already said, "this is the dress," she probably shouldn't have said anything to you.
That said, I've never been in a wedding where the bride has given the bridesmaids zero input. (I know your MOH was there, but still...) Two of my three BM's were able to go BM dress shopping with me and I had them pick 3-4 that they liked, then sent that list to the last bridesmaid to try on, who told me which of them she liked. (I asked that none of them pick a favorite, just dresses they'd be happy with.) I picked from the final two that everybody liked.
In other weddings I've been in, we've tried on dresses so we know what works best with our bodies, then the bride has sent 2 dresses to "vote" on.
Hope everything is ok! Everyone does it differently. While I would recommend my way to you, you did it your way and that means your BM should have kept her mouth shut. :) But, you may have over-reacted a tad. It's easy to do when you're wedding planning!
I dont think she has stepped over the line to just voice her opinion about the dress. However it IS YOUR wedding so you can politely listen to her opinion and just veto her option. She is allowed to have her opinion but ultimately you have the final say.
I do sort of understand the OPs frustration with her BM because its frustrating when a BM thinks the day is all about her, a good BM should understand that the BM dresses should be in line with the BRIDES dream for her day rather than what the BM wants to wear. Most of the weddings I've been involved in the bride just chooses the dress and the BMs deal with it. The only time I would speak up as a BM is about the price of the dress but not the style
I agree that she put me on the offensive when she told me that she showed the dress to her co-workers and they all agreed that it was "basic." That is rude.
FYI, she was not against the dress because of cost. The dress she picked out cost just as much. She did not like the style. She thinks that BM dresses should look traditional and mine is more of a fun dress.
Personally, I have been in three weddings--and no one ever asked me to help pick out the BM dress. I did my duty as a BM and bought it. No questions asked.
I think it was ok for her to tell you her opinion and suggest another dress. She probably thinks that's the normal process for her in being a bridesmaid. My bridesmaids suggested dresses and asked me what I thought of them. I didn't pick anything they suggested, but I got their opinion.
I think it was wrong of her to refuse to wear what your choice was, especially after you mentioned having 7 bridesmaids and needing to make an executive decision. Being a bridesmaid isn't about elaborate dresses... and yes, they are overpriced for what they are but, that's the wedding business. You try to be as reasonable as you can. A dress is a small price to pay to be a part of a friend's wedding day :)
It ok for her to make a suggestion but its ultimately up to you what your bridesmaids wear. I would have done the same thing you did and suggest she be a reader if she didnt want to wear the dress. In every wedding i have ever been in, and i've been in quite a few, the bride picked the dresses and as long as the price was reasonable the bm's just wore it. No matter how much we didnt like it. I think people sometimes forget that a wedding is about celebrating the couple and not about what makes everyone else happy. Of course you would try not to choose something they hate, but it is YOUR wedding and if people are not on board with what you want, they dont have to participate.
She is definitely being hurtful and out of line. Extremely nasty for a friend to say what she said to you. :( You are right in that there is no point trying to get 7 women to agree. Provided that the dress is reasonably priced which you say it is, she should be not only compliant but supportive of your decision. My advice would be to tell her how deeply upset you were by her comments.
I think that if SHE is paying for it with HER money, then SHE should get some say. Yes ultimately you are the bride (and by the way, it isn't just your day, your FI is getting married to...) but your BMs should at least get to give you their opinions since they are the ones purchasing and wearing the dress. Why would you want you best friends wearing something they are totally uncomfortable in? My personal opinion is that it was rude of you to not even be bothered with asking for their opinions and I don't think she crossed the line at all.
And what may be reasonably priced for you may not be reasonably priced for someone else.
I totally agree with you. I've never had a bride call me or email me and say 'here's the dress we're wearing' and I've been in a few weddings myself. My sis had 8 of us and we all went together except for my sis and her daughter that lived in SD. She told us ahead of time that she didn't care as long as it comes with a shawl or jacket to cover her arms, lol.
But to just dismiss having the person actually paying for and wearing the dress from having any input at all because you think it's going to be too much effort is a little....zilla-ish to me. "But I'm the Bride, I'm the Bride, I'm the special girl today" gets old. Yes, your closest friends are going to stand up for you as your wedding party when you get married. Yes, we're ALL going to celebrate you that day. Yes, you get a pretty polly princess party with gifts, photos and a big beautiful dress. So now try to take the other people that you supposedly love so much that you're making them your WP and give them the respect and courtesy of some input on a dress that they have to purchase, alter and wear. I cannot imagine saying 'here, this is what you're wearing' to 7 different women that probably all have different bodies. In my opinion, THAT was over the line. Someone said something to the effect of: it's your day, don't worry about trying to make the wp happy' or something......yikes, not okay TO ME. (this is of course just my take on the situtation and my opinion)
The politest thing for her to do would be fork over the cash and wear the dress with fake smile on her face. But she wasn't outside of reason to share an opinion or expect to have had input before a final decision was made.
Offering to demote her to reader is essentially saying that you're looking for props to make you look good on YOUR big day instead of an opportunity to share it with your best friends and honor them by having them stand up with you.
I think she has every right to voice her opinion and you have every right not to take it. It may have upset you that she didn't like it, but ultimately, as long as she isn't saying "I won't wear it, you can't make me" she isn't being rude.
I've been a BM 1.5 times (the .5 was a Jr. BM) and neither of the dresses I cared for. I told the bride "It's not something I would wear myself, but this is your day and I'll wear a spandex jumpsuit if you want"
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So far I have had a pretty easy going planning process. But today one of my BM really stepped over the line. I sent everybody an email last week with the info for the BM dress...a pic, the cost, the store, etc. I picked it out with my sister and we fell in love with it. I did not bother asking my BM what they thought because there is no way in heck I would ever get 7 women to agree on one dress. No one has ever asked my opinion before picking out their BM dress, so I did not think that was necessary. The dress is reasonably priced.
Well today one of my oldest friends sends me an email telling me that she showed a pic of my dress to her co-workers and they all thought it was "basic." She said that it looked like it came from the mall and was not worth the price. She then proceeded to pick out another dress for my consideration.
Is it just me or is she out of her mind?! It is my day and I (along with the MOH) picked out the dress. I politely explained the logistics of picking out a dress for 7 people and she didn't back down. She only let up when I offered to make her a reader if she didn't want to buy the dress. Am I crazy or does she have the right to challenge a decision I have already made?