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I think you need to go with your heart and ask who you want to ask, not who your mom thinks it should be. This is your wedding, and it sounds like you want your best friend beside you.
The tatoos are what they are and a part of who your sister is. Whether she is the MOH or an attendant you can't really tell her to cover those up, in my opinion.
Good Luck and Best Wishes!
I agree with Bonnie Bon. Your closest friend should be your MOH (outside of the groom of course). That's not to say you should exclude your sister from the wedding party, but don't make her the MOH if it's not what *you* want.
I second BonnieBon. Choose who YOU want to stand up there and support you but regardless of who that is, don't ask or expect them to change who they are to do it.
Can you have two MOHs? That way your sister and mom won't complain but you can still use your friend as the main contact for MOH duties.
I agree with the others as well. Although, your decision should not be based on her tatoo(s). If you feel like your friend would be better at living up to the MOH duties and you would enjoy her help then you should ask her. Just because you have a sister does not mean she has to be a part of your wedding party. And I am sure she would understand if you told her how you felt on her wedding day and explain that you don't want her to feel the same way on your wedding day. Tell her you just want her to enjoy your wedding as a guest so she doesn't have to do any work.
Good luck!
As a bride who is struggling with "family expectations" on who I choose for my MOH, I totally understand how you feel. But, with that being said, have your friend be your MOH, you can still have your sister be in the wedding in another area if you want, but your MOH is supposed to be the friend who you love most in the world and can't imagine not having them be a part of your day. Best of luck and hang in there!
I know I shouldn't ask someone to change for my wedding, it's not like I'm asking her to have them removed. I just think I have a leg to stand on here since she didn't want tattoos in her own wedding party photos. I have never told my sister how I felt on her wedding day because my mother asked me to not say anything. My mom knows how my sister will just blow up. Mom also doesn't want the rift between us to grow even more. I'm just scared to say anything about the tats period because I think my sister will go off the handle. She doesn't have a short fuse, she has no fuse.
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I would ask your sister to be MOH. I would ask your friend to be co-MOH, or just a regular bridesmaid if for some reason they can't share the title. Then I would explain to your friend that for family reasons your sister is getting the title MOH, but in actuality you know she won't really help with planning, whereas you know your friend will. Basically, treat your friend like a MOH even if you can't give her the title or have to ask her to share the title. Would she be cool with this for the sake of family harmony?
At the end of the wedding day, the titles of who is what and so forth don't matter very much at all. One of my most helpful friends during wedding planning wasn't even in my bridal party! People either step up to the plate or they don't; it doesn't matter what title you give them. Your friend will still be standing up next to you.
As to your sister's tattoos, I don't think there's much you can do about them. Sure it's distracting, but what other option do you have? Ask her to wear long sleeves to your wedding? From what you said of her I'm sure she won't go for that. Best chalk it up as one of those things and not worry about it.
@chelseamorning: Thanks :) Yeah, my friend is okay with being a BM and still helping out more than my sister might if she is the MOH. Nope, I won't ask for long sleeves, I just wonder if I will be okay with it when it comes down to the day. I have some time to mull this over.
This sounds eerily familiar to my situation. And I live in CO! My sister is less than reliable, responsible and normal. She too has a very large tattoo and we don't really get along or see eachother often.
It may sound strange, but I asked her to be my MOH for a few reasons. One of which was politics (not having to choose between my other 3 best friends), as well as making a "this is your last chance" kind of effort. If she comes to my wedding, is there and present and lovely we'll be able to salvage our relationship completely. If she goes back to drugs (a whole other issue!) and ends of not coming to my wedding because of the "pressure" (she dropped out of my two other cousins' weddings last minute) then I will have no qualms letting our relationship be primarily civil and not sisterly.
It's a hard line to toe and I definitely think you need to make the decision for yourself. Right now, I am letting my sister be the main form of communication to my other bms (already a mistake as she has said some fairly mean things in emails about me) and think she is planning a lot, whereas I am giving the majority of responsibilities to my other bms.
Good luck!
I was watching My Fair Wedding on WE and a bride had her tattooed arm professionally spraypainted a nude/skin color by a makeup artist. Can that be an option?
Kix
I personally do not like tattoos either, one of my friends has a huge tattoo all over her back and on the backs of her legs. I didnt ask her to be a BM ony party because of the tattoos but because I had a new job and we had grown apart because we didnt see each other every day.
You mentioned you were your sisters MOH - minus the tattoos could you have your friend be your "Maid" of Honor and your sister be your "Matron" of Honor so you can both?
One of my bridesmaids is having 3 MOHs: Her younger sister who is still in highschool(maiden of honor), her good friend who is married(matron of honor) & another good friend (maid of honor). So I think if you really wanted to, you could give them both the MOH title.
It sounds like this isn't a question over that tats, it's about your sister and your relationship to you. You don't have to ask her to be the MOH unless YOU want to. You could find a silent role for her, like she did for you.
If it's about that tats, I think you need to reconsider. If your sister or best friend was not pretty enough, not thin enough, dyed her hair in a color you don't like, or somehow else wasn't up to your standards of beauty, would you use that as a reason not to choose her?
What does your sister think of this? I know you said your mom thinks she's expecting to be your MOH, but what happens when the two of you talk? The MOH role should be about the relationship and support between you and the woman standing beside you as you marry.
I am having the same problem with my sister re: tats. She gets SO MAD when I say that I don't want them showing.... so I don't know what to do. I am glad to have her as my MOH, even though we are so different, but I just don't know what to do about the tattoos bc she is completely unwilling to cover them up!!!
@MoSnow: OMGoodness. It sounds like your situation is even harder than mine. I hope your sister can work through her issues and attend your special day, but also for herself and turn her life around and kick the habit. Good luck to you!
@Kix: That is an idea, I just don't know if that's in the budget. I'm already not going to have a professional do my hair and makeup because of that alone. Wouldn't makeup smudge and come off too? What about sweat, if there is any?
@naangel55: I have no problem with two, or even three(!), MOHs. It's just a matter of is our relationship the type that she should even be standing up there with me. As MoSnow said, her relationship with her sister is more civil and not sisterly, and that's exactly how I feel we are---even though I wish it weren't. After trying for so long to change that one has to eventually just say it is what it is.
@beagle: Since I'm only having 2-3 that would be funny to have all MOHs, but I don't go for all the "traditions" anyway so it wouldn't bother me.
@mary-alice-me: You are right, it's not completely about the tats, it mainly about my sister and I's relationship. The tats just make it even another factor. If I don't make her a MOH or even BM I don't know what she could do. We aren't have people hand out programs, no ushers, no guestbook attendants, what else is there? I'm not sure. As far as me reconsidering just because of the tats, I disagree. There is a reason I pick my friends, we get a long no matter who they are. Then again I also don't have friends who dye their hair pink (like my sister has a few of those). I'm a bigger girl and so is one of my possible BMs so that's not an issue, ever. But the fact that my sister chose to do this to her body was her decision. When she didn't want tats in her wedding that makes me wonder how on earth she could ever get upset at me for not wanting those in mine.
@SoonToBeMrsCruz: Where are your sister's tats? All over or in certain spots easy to cover with a high backed dress or something? When the tat runs down the arm completely as my sister's, it's hard to cover up.
I can't really blame you for not wanting to have tatoos showing for pictures, ceremony etc. They could be distracting. I also think that if she didn't show them for her wedding because she wanted to cover up her tatoos, (as opposed to wearing a dress she loved, that just happened to cover them) then you have a reason to ask her to cover hers. I might not normally advise that, but if she felt she wasn't "denying her identity' too much by covering them for her own wedding, she shouldn't be that offended that you are covering up "who she is" for yours.
As for asking her to be MOH. I don't know. I think it sounds like you've tried to be close to her, and she doesnt seem to care. Some siblings aren't that close. But I don't have a sister. :(
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@Tanya123: Sorry, need to clarifiy. She didn't have a tattoo sleeve or any visible tattoos to worry about when she got married a year ago---all she had were the two tiny ones behind each of her ears---couldn't see it. She just made comment about her FSIL had a huge cross on the back of her shoulder that she didn't want in her own wedding and had always said she never wanted tatoos to be in her wedding photos.
Had lunch with the family yesterday, she is now mentioning about getting another sleeve done for the other arm. *sigh*
I don't think the real issue is about tattoos at all. You should talk to her about the way you felt on her wedding day and let her know that you were hurt. Also, that you would like her to have a different role in your wedding than you did in hers (i.e., not the MOH, the MOH but more involved in girls' luncheons, not in the wedding party but working at the guest book table)
IF she is your MOH it is not uncommon to place the MOH in a different style of dress than the other BM's. Consider getting a beatufil gown for her with long sleeves as opposed to the BM's style of dress.
Whatever you choose, remember that she will be your sister for the rest of your life regardless of how close you are. Friends will come and go.
Good luck!!
I agree with Brookem...sounds like there is some sort of miscommunication between the two of you...have a heart to heart talk, address your concerns, and see what she says. You could always just make her a BM for now...and maybe as your wedding day approaches, it will be apparent to you who your MOH is.
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I think you should ignore the tattoos for a moment and make the decision based on your relationship with your sister. The tattoos come with the package, but you have to evaluate your relationship with your sister first. Don't worry about aesthetics quite yet. After all, she's your sister--either her tattoos are in the family portraits or in the wedding party or both. They're going to be somewhere!
A friend had four bridesmaids and didn't include any of her three sisters. It's been done before and it will be done again. :)
Not knowing you or your sister, that's probably all the advice I can give.
Best wishes!
Its your wedding with your fiance...I dont talk much to my sisters...dont get me started! But if you want your best friend as your MOH as I am doing for my wedding then do so...my two sisters arent in our wedding at all but they are invited to come! IF you want to some way please your mother make her part of the day some how but not the MOH if those are your wishes. I think its rude what she did to you and asked u to be the MOH and then left with her bridesmaids...sounds like she asked u to be the MOH because of ur mom. My mom has tried to do the same and asked me if I wanted my sisters as bridesmaids...but i said no and did what I wanted to do! Im not even having my sisters come to my first dress shopping...they can see it after I pick it!
Thanks @curlysue! I think it will all work out. I had dinner with my sister last week, and I just don't know if she'll come or not. I'm giving her a 60% chance of showing up. It's kind of out of my hands right now, so I am not really stressing about it. My other girls are wonderful, so whatever.
What about not having a MOH at all? Just having lovely, beautiful bridesmaids? What time of year are you getting married? Even if it is in the summer, having them wear a nice wrap for the ceremony is a great option. My cousin gave her ladies a wrap and it looked great. Then in the reception, they took it off, which it doesn't sound like you are too concerned about showing tats during the reception.
Anyway you decide, good luck!
@MoSnow: I've actually discussed with my Mom to not have any bridesmaids/MOH at all. Last weekend my sister, Mom and I all went shopping together for the first time since I can remember (we normally live too far apart and I recently moved closer) and it was wonderful time--until my sister got tired and wanted to go home. *sigh* I think in the end maybe having no one will be easier. While shopping for shirts I found a 3/4 sleeve shirt and asked if she wanted to try it on and I got the, "Why would I want to buy something that covers up my tattoo?!" Um, sorry. I think I basically just got a reaction I fear down the road.
Thanks ladies for all your input. I will keep all your advice in mind.
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Hey there. I have a big half sleeve on my left arm and have been a BM in several weddings without covering it. When we took pictures, I had on a shawl or was turned the other way. The thing is, my loved ones weren't concerned about it at all ebcause they know that's part of who I am since I've had tattoos on my arm for years now. I really don't think it was too distracting during the ceremony either as I was wearing a plain dress and was off to the side. My poor mother hates my tattoos so much than I may get a long sleeved dress just to calm her down a bit on my wedding day coming this October.
It sounds like, as many others have posted, that the issue here is the relationship with your sister and not just the tattoos. You've tried to be close but have been shut out, which is painful. This may be a time to be honest with her about your attempts and your conflicted feelings about this situation. One poster suggested having your sister as matron of honor and your friend MOH, this sounds like a fine idea.
But really, weddings are really teh only big occassion in which families are brought together, besides funerals. This is an ideal time to voice your concerns/ questions/ whatever else to your sister about your relationship.
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It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your sister. It sounds like your relationship with her is really eating you up. The problems are just surfacing now because your being forced to face her. I know you say your sister has no fuse and I know how frustrating that can be (I have a bro like that) but do you think it's possible that if you confront her in a very calm non-confrontational way and try to discuss your relatioship and how much past situations have hurt you that possibly she will listen and start to understand your view point?
As is I think not inviting her to be into your wedding is just kind of sweeping the problem under the rug and essentially giving up on something that you obviously feel is important... your relationship.
good luck and I hope you can bridge the chasm!
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There is a small debate between my mother and I that I should or shouldn't have my little, and only, sister as my MOH. I love my sister, but I barely speak to her in text, email or via phone but one a month or so and she lives only 40 minutes away. I wish we were closer but our personalities are totally different and so are our lifestyles. I have tried to bring us closer together but she says she not a phone gal and doesn't want to talk on the phone. I try and do shopping or lunch or something and she always has an excuse. It's hard when my sister doesn't want to be around me except at family get together's at mom's, and it makes me sad.
About this post topic....I was my sister's MOH but I was not included in any of the wedding planning (as I had hoped I'd be), the day of the wedding she left me with the family to decorate while she and her other BMs/girlfriends went for a girl's afternoon before the wedding started. I was hurt. On her wedding day she just blocked me out then why was I standing up there with her?!
I can't decide if I should make my sister my MOH, and my mom has hinted she thinks my sister is expecting me to ask her, or should I choose my best friend I know will be happy to do wedding planning stuff with me. Another problem, my sister is currently sporting a half sleeve tattoo on her right arm full of flowers and is currently planning for a Halloween themed one on her other arm. *sigh* I hate tattoos. Although her flowers are pretty, I don't like ink on the body and I'm not sure I want that taking the attention away from the dresses or our day in our photos. I think it's so distracting.
Yes she could wear a shawl but you'll still see it unless she holds it to stay up all the time during the ceremony or photos.
**It is just my personal preference about tattoos. I hope I don't offend anyone about this topic.**
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