(Closed) BMs and I not in the same “place” in life

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

That’s so hard. You don’t want to have to contain your excitement, but you’re trying to be sensitive to your BMs’ feelings, too. It’s a good thing you have your Mom – that’s the most important support you could get!

I’m wedding-obsessed, head-over-heels in love, AND in Vancouver… But I’m also a lady-in-waiting! Not engaged yet and waiting for the ring Wink

Sounds like you need a Vancouver bee meet-up to get some much-needed wedding excitement out of your system!

Post # 5
21 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have a friend that I didn’t ask for that same reason.  She was the ONLY one at our engagement party who was negative, drinking too much, complaining about her ex and I was thinking, “omg i don’t want to hear it this is OUR night”!!  And frankly it was embarassing for us because thats ALL she ever talks about, even to complete strangers.  She ia an amazing, long term friend but it came down to do we want that negativity spotlighted at our wedding??

It’s really hard because you probably feel(like I felt) that you are a supportive friend for them and you are their shoulder to cry on…but at the same time you are upset because you want them to be happy for you, not envious of your situation.. no matter what DON’T let them make u feel guilty, you are embarking on a positive new life with someone you love and make it clear to them that they are there for YOU for this wedding, not vice versa.

I feel bad for people who are going through struggles in life but at the end of the day they made their own decisions.  I hope they come around and be the support system you need them to be.


Post # 6
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I was on the opposite end of this situation almost a year ago. All of my friends were planning their weddings (with guys they had been dating for under 2 yrs) and I wasn’t engaged ( although I had been dating my SO for almost 7 years).

I was in all of their weddings; and we were all really in different places in life. They were engaged, some had kids, and I was finishing school, not engaged, living in my apt on one end of the city while my SO lived in an apt elsewhere… they they had homes…you get the picture. I’m also the oldest, at 25 and they were 23 at the time.

I remember making a comment about me being on a different planet from my friends, and I really hurt one of the brides,who is very close to me. I never meant to make her feel like she couldn’t talk about her milestones or happiness. The fact that we were in different places in life did not make me harbor any ill will towards her or her happiness .

She confronted me about how my comment hurt her feelings, and I ended up taking her to dinner, and apologizing. I really was happy for her, and I never wanted to feel like she couldnt share her joy with me (afterall if she couldnt what was the point of me being there)! 

I guess I’m saying all of this because in my case, I never meant to make her feel like I wasn’t happy for her, just because I was struggling, and not neccessarily doing everything that I wanted too. It was nice to hear  funny stories about my friends dealing with vendors, or to go shopping with them and watch them get emotional, or hear about their crazy future in-laws – especially when I was having a rough day.

Definetely get out there and meet other “bees” and talk to your mom, but dont stop talking to them about your happiness. Although they are going through hard times, I imagine that if they are close friends, they are really happy for you, and will want to hear your about all of it (especially if you’re listening to them).

If they are making you feel guilty about your happiness and security in life, tell them how you feel. A true friend will recognize how it hurts you, and correct the behavior that’s hurting you. I genuinely had no idea that my comments were hurtful until it was pointed out, and I couldnt have felt more embarrassed-because I love all of my friends dearly.

In the end that worked for me. They all had beautiful weddings, we are all still the best of friends, and now that I’m done with school and engaged (he was just waiting for me to finish) they’re able to help me with a thing or two =).


Post # 8
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think the fact that you are actually being considerate and thoughtful about their feelings, instead of complaining about how they’re not paying enough attention to you or signing up for dress shopping expeditions or whatever, says a lot about the kind of friend you are. I’m sure it must be a little lonely not to have anybody in your life to talk to about wedding stuff, but your instinct not to rub your joy and good fortune in their faces is 100% right, and 100% thoughtful. I say you just come on here for ideas and feedback and girly wedding stuff, and keep being the good and considerate friend you are to your bridesmaids!

Post # 9
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Whoa…I totally understand the way you feel.  I have 5 BM’s…one is FI’s sister who is currently in the middle of a divorce, and the rest live out of town.  One is unhappily married and works like a dog, one is in nursing school and works 3 nightshifts a week to get by, one is new school teacher, and the other is extremely supportive, but just bought a house, and her husband is recovering from cancer and they together just bought a martial arts studio were they both teach, totalling 6 days a week.

I don’t feel that my friends are unsupportive…its just so hard to talk to them.  I know my wedding is still a year away, but because they all live out of town, I can’t just call them out of the blue and expect them to get on board with all my wedding details.  Sometimes on a bad day I wonder if they even want to fool with being in my wedding, but I *hope* thats just me being overly emotional.  I miss them all so much, and I was thinking that maybe wedding planning, showers, parties, and the actual wedding weekend would provide us with some girl time, but that’s not been the case so far.

I wish there was a way to share all this with the people I love…of course my mom is awesome in this, but I miss my girl friends!!!!


Post # 10
23636 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is one of the hardest things that girl friends go through, I think.  I had 6 bridesmaids, and only 2 of them are in solid serious relationships.  I think watching me plan the wedding and getting married was beyond difficult for them, so I tended to try to lean on my Maid/Matron of Honor and my married bridesmaid for all things wedding, and of course, sharing my joy with the Bees here on weddingbee.  And I’d of course, try to do my best, to be there for my other 4 bridesmaids, and try to remember to ask them how they’re doing, and what’s new on their minds.  But it really was so difficult, since I think they still felt that our lives were so different.

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