(Closed) BM’s asked about dates – did I say the right thing?!

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think anyone in the wedding party should be allowed to bring a date. If it really isn’t in your budget to allow that, what harm is it to allow them at the very least to have their dates show up after dinner?

Post # 4
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think what you said is great! Way to handle the awkward on-the-spot moment with grace 🙂

I don’t think people realize that what they ask sometimes has such big implications for the one planning the party (i.e. the bride!!), so a casual question can’t always have a casual answer.

Post # 5
Member
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, they put you on the spot at the end!  I think your answer of ‘I don’t know’ is fine for now but you’re going to need to figure it out and give them a solid answer.

If you didn’t budget for them to bring a date, then I would tell them no.  Especially if it’s a new boyfriend, etc.  I could see if someone had a fiance but they don’t.  But you and FI need to make the decision so you can tell them.

Post # 6
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think it’s good that they asked and not just brought a date. It’s usually customary for members of the wedding party to bring a date if they want to. If there is any way to budget that in it would probably be a good idea to do so.

Post # 7
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that bridal party members should be allowed to bring dates, even if they aren’t in a relationship.  The bridal party does so much to help in the wedding process and they invest so much of their time and money for you!  I see that they caught you a little off guard but if they are close enough to you to be your BMs, shouldn’t they be close enough to be straightforward with you? 

I understand budget issues, but honestly, if there is one place not to skimp, it is with your bridal party!

Post # 8
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

You handled it well!

I agree you’ll need to make a decision on this soon. For the BM asking if her date (if he happened to be in the country) could come for some dancing after the meal, I don’t see why that would be a big deal, unless you have reason to believe otherwise. I would try to accomodate BMs’ dates in general since they typically put so much time and effort into helping out with the wedding, unless you have a blanket rule about +guests.

Post # 9
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I had a similar situation with one of my ushers. However, the best way to handle it for us was one on one on a case by case basis. For example, he started dating someone around when we got engaged, so when I asked him to be an usher, I told him that although I hadn’t met ____, she was definitely invited to join in on the festivities. 

Then they broke up. 

About a month ago when I was addressing invitations, he asked if he still had “and guest” privileges. I told him that as excited as I am for him to be seeing someone, that day is about me, so I don’t want to be meeting his flavor-of-the-month girlfriend on the most important day of my life. I told him to just keep me posted, and if she seemed really important, than it would be fine for her to be his date to the wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
350 posts
Helper bee

I think you said the right answer.  I’ve always found it so odd that people would want to bring random dates to someone’s wedding.   Let’s say you just started dating someone, wouldn’t being at a wedding bring up all sorts of awkwardness?

Post # 11
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i agree with the others, the rule is normally that the bridal party should be allowed to bring dates. but if you can’t budget for that, i would let them know that you are only letting people bring dates if they are in a serious relationship, like they have been living together, are engaged, or are married (whatever you and your fi decide to do), due to budget reasons.

Post # 12
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hrmm… I don’t know if I’ve ever heard that it’s a rule that you must allow your bridal party to bring dates.  I think you are perfectly fine with telling your BMs that you don’t know right now.  If you decided later on that you can accomodate their dates, then you should be able to let them know well enough in advance and they should be understanding if you can’t allow it.  I’ve been a BM plenty of times before and not had a date and I’ve managed to have a great time dancing with my fellow BMs and other friends.

We are not allowing dates for our bridal party unless they are seriously dating or significant others.  I’m not going so far as to say that they must be engaged or living together, but the same rule applies to everyone:  no “flavor of the month” dates, or people bringing someone who is “just their good friend” just so that they have a date. 

As far as having people come after dinner just for the dancing part… I suppose that’s up to you. 

Post # 13
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i think what you said was good, but we are allowing our wedding party to bring a date.

Post # 14
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I also think that everyone in the wedding party should be allowed a +1, whether they are in a relationship or not.   Even if it’s not a “rule”, I’d think that the bride and groom would be considerate enough to want their special participants to enjoy themselves to the fullest. 

But, I guess you handled it well. It’s what I’d say to guests to we weren’t planning on extending a +1 invitation to. 

Post # 15
Member
2682 posts
Sugar bee

I think your answer is good for now – youd hate to give a definite answer and then find out you have to change it.  However, my personal opinion is that anyone in the bridal party should be able to bring a date.  If you cant accommodate that, then if they have boyfriends they should be able to.  Id be upset if I was with someone for any longer than 3-6 months and couldnt bring them to a wedding.  But thats just me…

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think the wedding party should all be allowed to have plus one’s b/c they are your closest friends and even though they’re there for you it’s not like they’re ‘working’. It’s also a perfectly legit question to ask – I always ask if I am getting a plus one b/c FI and I would have to decide what to do if I didn’t. Although since they aren’t dating anyone, maybe they just want the option you know?

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