Post # 1
So, I’ve got this really great friend who is also a Bridesmaid or Best Man, let’s call her M. M is actually the person who ‘introduced’ me to Fiance (I say ‘introduced’ only because I first met him at her house one night when we were having a group dinner). M is a great friend who in my opinion is unfortunately extremely naive and way too trusting of people at times. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s been in and out of long term relationships. Between these relationships she’s never been single for more than a year before getting seriously involved with someone else – but hey, if you know, you know right? Problem is, in all of these relationships she gives so much of herself that when things go wrong, she ends up losing a lot (and mostly in monetary terms).
M is with someone that she’s been dating for about a year and a half. When I first met him I thought he’s a decent guy, she’s happy, he treats her well, that’s what matters. Even Fiance who isn’t the quickest to open up and like a person straight off thought he was a good guy – much better than her ex (who Fiance knew pretty well). Recently tho, things haven’t been going to well. M’s boyfriend (who she lives with in his apt) has been using drugs – and I’m not talking marijuana. He lied to her over and over again about it at first denying he was using it and saying that it was his friend’s stuff, and she believed him. Until he got to the point where he didn’t care anymore and did it in front of her – and then blamed her for him ‘not being able to have any fun’. M left him for a few days and stayed at her mother’s townhouse to figure things out. We talked and I told her how I felt – that she should leave and that the fact that he kept denying that he was doing it, and then blatantly doing it in front of her and then blaming HER for it – it was unacceptable in my eyes. She would be better off without him. But I also told her that while I want what is best for her, I also support whatever decision she makes because she is my friend. Well…she’s sticking with him. She says she’s happy, and unless she tells me otherwise I can’t tell her what to do, she’s an adult.
Here’s the problem, and I don’t know how to handle it. I haven’t told Fiance about all of this because I know what he’d say. He’d say that M’s boyfriend is a scumbag – which I don’t disagree with. However, she’s my friend and like I told her, I’d support whatever decision she makes. But, I don’t want M’s boyfriend at the wedding if he is going to be high. I don’t want him there if he is going to be coming off a high. Right now, I can’t even look at pictures of him with her and not be disgusted with seeing his face. I have been worrying about this lately. M was a last minute no-show to my 30th birthday party because her boyfriend got high..and he KNEW that they were supposed to be there that night. M has recently gotten a little flaky and cancels plans with me. I know she would NEVER not show up to the wedding, but how I feel right now – I don’t want him there. I just don’t know what to do – do I suck it up and HOPE that he cleans his act up and can be an actual ADULT (he’s 33) and not get high the day of my wedding (and that he actually does get help for his problem and cleans up his act) or do I talk to her about my concerns and how I’m not comfortable having him there?
Post # 3
Ah! That’s rough stuff. I actually really feel bad for M, she’s in an awful situation. That being said, I do think you should talk to her about your concerns. You have every right to worry about his conduct at your wedding. She should know how you feel, and hopefully she responds with understanding. Its one thing to support her decision to stay with him, but to expect you to have what would basically be blind faith in him not to act up at your wedding, is entirely different. I wouldn’t risk it. But make sure your friend knows that you’re there for her. Also, maybe seek some info on support groups for her in your area.
Post # 4
I sort of dealt with this, but instead of a friend’s loser boyfriend (and this guy does sound like a loser) it’s my FI’s sisters.
I decided to talk to him about it, our wedding is in a small town, and while I abhor drug use anyway, it would be bad for my parents if their guests in this tiny town got caught with drugs.
Fiance said he would handle it, that I wouldn’t worry, and that if any of them brought anything, he would have no problem removing them from the property himself. And that’s the most assurance I can get.
While I agree you should be there for your friend, I don’t think you have to support her relationship. You can support her without supporting what she’s doing, and although that may hurt her feelings, it shows how seriously you feel about this. Sort of an “I love you, but I don’t love what you’re doing”. And I agree about support materials, leaving a bad situation can be so overwhelming, just because you don’t know what to do first, so maybe try to point her in the right direction?
Post # 5
How far away is your wedding?
If it’s 4+ months, there’s always the chance that your friend will wise-up before then and kick him out/move out. If your wedding is quickly approaching, then I’d address the issue. Maybe tell your friend that he’s not welcome if he’s still doing drugs or something?
Post # 6
The wedding is in September so there’s a possibility that she may leave him, but knowing her as well as I do, I’m more inclined to think that she’ll stay and try to work things out. The most frustrating part of this all is that when we talked, she said herself that she knew she should leave him, but that she was afraid of losing all the money she’s ‘invested’ in the relationship – meaning money she’s paid for helping to bail him out of trouble when he’s wrecked his car and other BS like that. I asked her if she loved him and if she could honestly see a future with someone who was being so deceitful and have to worry for the rest of her life about what he was doing when she wasn’t around. She said she still loves him, but as for the future she doesn’t know. She told me that after she left him for a few days, he kept calling her and then told her he’s sorry and that he was going to try to get help. And she believes him. But then they went away on a planned trip to Vegas together and all of a sudden everything’s fine again…but for how long? She moved in with him which means she moved 1.5 hours away from me, so I don’t get to see her often and when we make plans (like we planned on having dinner tonight) it’s special to me, but then when she cancels because ‘she can’t find someone to take the dog out after work’ it hurts a little. But I understand, maybe she’s embarrassed – telling someone what’s going on over the phone is easier than doing it face to face. It makes it hard to really help her too, since she does not live close-by and by moving in with him, she’s kind of adopted his friends and family so is not easily accessible to me. I think that if I told her how I don’t agree with his behavior at all and that it makes me uncomfortable she would understand, but I know the long-lasting sting that is left behind when a friend tells you that they don’t like your SO. And while I don’t care about what he thinks about me, IF they do end up together forever, I don’t want a situation where he’s going to make it difficult for her to be friends with me because I don’t approve and dis-invited him to my wedding.
Post # 7
Wow! I am so sorry you are in this situation. I do not know what I would do. I personally am known for being very honest. I had a situation where I hated my friends long term boyfriend. He use to be so horrible to her. I straight out did not want her to invite him and nicely talked to her about it. She understood and was not offended. She also knew I was already having problems with the guest list. She also knows how I am. It depends on how your friend would react to you if you should say something or just suck it up. GOOD LUCK!
Post # 8
Ahh so sorry for your friend! You’re being very empathetic to her situation, and non judgemental, kudos to you.
I would wait a bit to see if she leaves or not. If she stays with him, and you do not want him at your wedding, I would speak to her.
I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her you don’t like her SO, but from what I hear, this is not the case. You like the guy, but not his actions of the last while. Even if you would have liked to have him at your wedding, you are not willing to have him under the influence of drugs, which right now, have the best of him. If he is willing to put drugs before his girlfriend, why would he not put them before being his best self at your wedding? Tell her you want the best for her and for him, but that you can not spend your wedding day worrying about him and his substance abuse.
Post # 9
Wow! First off, I think you’re being a wonderful friend for supporting her decision. I’ve learned early on that no matter how much you tell a friend that she is making a mistake and her knowing that he is bad for her, words can only do so much. She needs to truly realize how healthy or unhealthy her relationship is before she can really make a decision for herself.
If they are together in September, I would approach her and be open with her. Explain to her what an important event this is for you and your future husband and that you do not want any drama. Tell her directly but in a supportive way. She may be upset but in the end, your friendship should be strong enough that you can be open with one another.