Post # 1
This is kind of a tricky situation, and I wanted to see what everyone’s opinion on it is.
I am a bridesmaid in my roommate’s wedding, which is taking place in her home town (2 hours from where we currently live). She will be having a lot of out-of-town guests at her wedding, so most people are booking rooms for Friday and Saturday night in the hotel where the reception will be held. Although etiquette says that you should invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner, for budget purposes she is only planning to invite the bridal party, parents, grandparents, and maybe a few special aunts/uncles.
Additionally, she would like all of the bridesmaids to stay with her at her parent’s house on Friday night so we can get ready together on Saturday morning.
Here is where the situation gets tricky…I am the only OOT bridesmaid that will be bringing a date (my boyfriend of 2 years, who the bride knows very well) to the wedding. Since she has mentioned many times that she wants to keep the RD small, I am assuming that he is not invited. And, since I’ll be staying at her house on Friday night, he would have to get a hotel room by himself for that night if he came down then (but if he’s not invited to the RD, there’s no point in him coming down since we wouldn’t get to see each other). So, what will end up happening is that he won’t make the 2 hour trip until Saturday (the wedding day), and then we will have to drive back separately on Sunday after the wedding.
Is this normal? I feel like if we were a married couple, it would be assumed that we would be traveling and staying together, and he would be invited to the RD. Also, there’s no way I could just stay at the hotel with him on Friday and arrive early at her house Saturday morning – she and her mom both really want us all sleeping there Friday night. What are your thoughts?
Post # 3
Does she realize how terribly inconvenient that is? I mean, wow, sucky! Does your boyfriend really wanna come tho? I’d be all, “you don’t have to come!” and make it a girls weekend, since obviously that’s her #1 angle on this whole thing. What with having you all stay over and stuff. But it’s not fair to just MAKE you do that. If you guy comes in town, ditch the girls and stay with him–it’s not right to just assume you’ll ditch him unless you don’t care whether or not he’s there. And if he’s coming in town, I absolutely think he shoudl go to the RD. I mean, you are the ONLY exception so it’s not a big deal to me; I think he should come too. I get she’s keeping it small (and b/c my MIL doesn’t have a lot of money, we toyed with the idea of BP ONLY which mean NO dates for my girls and they were all “Sure, I’ll leave FI at home, I totally understand”) but to expect him to drive up, get a hotel, drive alone, etc, is quite presumptuous.
Since you haven’t directly got the invite, I thin you should just ask her. You’ve thought this out extensively and she probably hasn’t! Just say, “hey friend, BF is coming into town Friday with me…I was assuming he’d come to the RD with us, but I can’t just make him get a hotel all by himself. I’ll come over and hang out but go stay with him that night–I’ll be back bright and early Saturday tho!”. Because really, is she just expecting you to leave him home? I think you need to ask her straight up what’s going on.
Post # 4
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I see your point and your wanting to experience this with your boyfriend. However, you are a bridesmaid. While it is entirely inappropriate for a bride to go Bridezilla and treat her attendants terribly, it’s not inapprorpriate to ask them to remain focused on the wedding. This is your time with her. She asked you to be with her on one of the most important days of her life.
The rehearsal dinner has definitely been an issue for me. To me, it should be the people in the wedding party and those from out of town. However, my FMIL is paying for it and making dinner for it. So, it’s her call who she wants to invite. I’d rather be focusing on the wedding instead of worrying about that.
Give your bride some grace. She’s got so much going on, and she needs you to be there and be focused on helping and encouraging her through this time. She values your friendship and how you have helped her in the past, I’m sure. It’s not an easy choice for you to make, but that weekend is about her marriage.
Post # 5
i think that’s normal. married or not married, they probably had to keep a lot of people out of the rehearsal dinner, and if they let your date in they’d have to make exceptions for everyone and it really adds up. and they probably want to have a fun girls night the night before her wedding, which is why they want you to stay. it would be nice to have everyone there to keep the bride’s mind off of all of the stress of wedding day. that’s what i’m doing, one of the girls is married and she’ll be there too.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House
Is there somewhere your boyfriend could stay that would prevent him from paying for a hotel room an extra night? Could he stay with the groom?
Have you talked to the bride about this yet? Maybe if you explained your reasoning to her she would understand.
Post # 7
I’m sorry Miss Slice, but I don’t think the Bride is out of line here. It’s understandable that she wants to keep the RD small – sometimes the RD list can get so huge its like having a second reception. And yea it does kind of suck for your boyfriend that he has to hang out alone on Friday night, but I think it’s more important for you to be there for your friend/the Bride than it is for you to be keeping your boyfriend company on the night before the wedding. The bride is your good friend (I’m assuming since you’re a bridesmaid) and this is the only pre-wedding night you’ll have together – you will have many more nights together with your boyfriend. I think its normal for dating couples to be treated differently than married couples – don’t be offended by it or take it personally. It’s hard to please everyone and I doubt that the bride is doing this to be rude – it probably has to do with how much they can afford for the RD and I bet she wants the pre-wedding night to be just a fun girls night. I would talk to her and see if you two can work something out re: your boyfriend – like can he stay with someone that she knows? Good luck! 🙂
Post # 8
Thanks everyone for your input! I definitely want to be there for the bride, and know that the weekend is definitely about her wedding and not me spending time with my boyfriend. I just didn’t know what others did in that kind of situation, and wanted to see if it was normal for the BF not to be invited. Honestly, I think he might be more offended that he isn’t invited than I am – I see him plenty enough as it is! Haha..
Post # 9
Miss Slice, I don’t think that etiquette actually demands all out-of-town guests be invited to the rehearsal dinner — a lot of RDs are just the wedding party and immediate family. Ours did include all out-of-towners, but I don’t think that’s something required by etiquette.
That said, you are being put in a somewhat weird situation. Have you talked to the bride and explained that you’d rather get a hotel room with your BF the night before the wedding? Or are you just assuming she’d be really upset if you brought that up? And do you know for a fact that your boyfriend isn’t going to be invited to the RD, or is that a guess based on the bride’s wish for a small RD? Talking some of these things through with the bride is definitely the best thing to do! It may not have occurred to her that she was kind of leaving your boyfriend high and dry by asking you to stay with her the night before.
Post # 10
i didnt invite all of the OOT guests to the RD. Just the the bridal party and their dates.
That being said, your friend asked you to be a BM because she really wants you to be a part of the day. I think its kinda sucky that you are contemplating not spending the night with her because you would rather be with your BF. If he is that uncomfortable entertaining himself, have you thought about going without him? Its likely that he will be spenging most of the day of the wedding alone too (getting dressed, pictures, you probably wont be sitting with him at dinner…)
I think you are just going to have to suck this one up. I think its not the best idea to add this to the list of items the bride is freaking out over. Maybe just handle things differently for your wedding…
Post # 11
Hmmmm, I’m going to end up in sort of a similar situation to this, but as a bride….so I sort of see where the bride is coming from.
Most of my bridesmaids are single, but one has a serious boyfriend. They live in Boston and my wedding is in Albany, NY (about three hours away) I’m having my out-of-town bridesmaids come up on Thursday night because on Friday we have bridesmaids lunch, mani/pedi, and of course, rehearsal dinner. I said that my bridesmaids could stay at my mom’s house (to save $$ and to bond) Thursday and Friday. I asked my friend if she would want to bring her boyfriend Friday and he could come to the RD and such. But SHE actually said no because we’re going to be so busy with girlie stuff and wedding stuff that he would be sort of left out. I would have been glad to invite him, but it would have been a little awkward for him losing a day of work and hanging out by himself for 99% of the day. Then if she stayed in the hotel with him, someone would have to go get her in the morning, etc. etc. So he will probably drive up alone on Sat. morning.
So there are reasons that it sort of makes sense.
Post # 12
I hate to say it – but I don’t really think you’re being that inconvenienced here. You said it’s only a 2 hour drive for you and your BF, right? That’s not too bad. Plus it’s a Saturday – no rushour traffic. And even if he was invited to the RD, it’s better if he doesn’t go b/c of the sleepover Friday night. I know it sounds annoying, but it’s what the bride wants and you are a bridesmaid – it’s only 1 night then you’re free to party with BF after walking down the aisle. Yeah, you have to drive separately on Sunday, but that’s still a small inconvenience. By the way – can he take alternate transportation Sat? (bus, train, ride from a friend)
I was in the exact same situation a few weeks ago. My Fiance was actually invited to the RD for my friends wedding, but since I was from OOT and we were sleeping over her Mom’s house the night before I told my FH to skip it. I wasn’t the only Bridesmaid who did that either, it’s totally normal. I have to tell you – I am SOO glad I decided to do it that way b/c the sleepover night was such a fun bonding experience for us and made the wedding day so much more exciting! There was so much buildup to us walking down the aisle and we were one unit until the couple said “I Do”. I then spent the rest of the night partying with my FH (who traveled down by train so we could drive back together).
Post # 13
ModernDaisy: My thoughts exactly! My friend’s BF may even take the train to Albany so that they can ride back together.
Post # 14
Can he take a train on Saturday for the wedding so you can drive back together…or you drive there with one of the other girls or the bride? Or if you both end up driving seperatly it isn’t the end of the world. We’ve had to do it before.
Post # 15
Since you don’t think it’s a big deal, i say just leave him home and pull the angle that he can have boys night!
I think 2 hours is a very long drive around here. We don’t have trains tho–if he does, he can still come, that’d be awesome!
Maybe your guy doesn’t realize HOW BUSY you’ll be? He’ll probably end up neglected =]. We had a girls-only party at my house (the girls with dates stayed elsewhere with their hubs, etc) but we had SOOOOOOOO much fun. Most of us are actually going DATELESS (by choice) to the next wedding, splitting a hotel room, and getting ridiculous =].
Post # 16
Everyone – thanks again for all of your comments. I want to make it clear that I was NOT saying that I felt like he should be invited, or that I can’t be without him for the weekend, or that I would be pouty that I have to spend all of my time with the bride and not see him.
Of course I’m planning to have tons of fun with the bride and other BMs, I just wanted to know what others have done from a bride’s perspective and whether or not it was normal.
So, I guess I’ve learned that it is the norm, and the more that I think about it it doesn’t make sense for him to be there the whole weekend. Thanks for your help!