BM's infant nephew just passed away :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

You hold her and don’t have to say much.  At a time like this words are hard.  Keep kleenex handy and just press a few in her hands if she needs them.  Hand her a bottle of water, you don’t have to over do, just sit quietly by her and let her do the talking.  Ask to see pictures of the little guy and comment on something about the picture.  At first try to let her do most of the talking, maybe ask how her flight was and how sorry you are.  Ask her if she’d like to tell you what happened, and if things are getting ‘heavy’ ask if she’d like to slip out and grab a coffee.  You’re a good friend!!

Post # 5
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MsGinkgo: sorry my response us so long.   I am really really sorry to hear this. My mother passed away in August so I will tell you from my experience dealing with that.  You are doing a great job so far. Offering her rides, offering to go to the funeral.  Basically offering yourself up for whatever she needs.  My parents live in Florida and I haven’t lived there for years so I have only a handful of friends left there.  It meant so much to me to see one of them sitting quietly in the church service (weekday during work and over an hour drive otherwise I am pretty sure more would have been there). She did not know my mom at all but she was there for me.  That kind of support speaks volumes.  At times I would call my best friend and just bawl with her not saying anything.  Other times I would call and say “talk to me about anything other than my mom” and other times I would call to talk about my mom or how I was doing/feeling.  Your friend will let you know what she needs just try to pay attention so you will know or hopefully she is comfortable enough to just tell you what she needs.  When my FI sister died a few years ago, he withdrew and I realized there were times he didn’t want to talk so I would text him that I love him and to call me if he wanted.  If I didn’t hear from him for a day or two I’d text him asking him ro respond that he was ok.  My friends all texted me every few days just to check on me. I liked that and I normally hate texts.  It let me know people we’re thinking about me and opened the door for me to call and talk if I needed/wanted to but didnt obligate me to talk like a call could. It’s been 3 months and people still text and ask how I am.  That’s important, once the funeral and everything settles your friend will still need support.  Just asking how she is means a lot.  

But honestly it sounds like you are being a great friend. Sometimes the babbling may not be a bad thing as your friend may need the distraction.  Just watch her face and you will be able to see if you need to do something differently.  It is also ok to say “I dont know what to say or do so let me know if you need to talk about things or if you need me to distract you”. 

Post # 6
Member
4468 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MsGinkgo:  This is so heart breaking- life is so unfair sometimes:( I think you can follow her lead in conversations- if she wants to talk about it I think she will let you know. Just you being there to help out and emotionally support her will mean the world to her.

Post # 7
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m sorry. What a terrible thing to have to go through. Do exactly what others have said. Be there for her. Let her talk, let her cry and just hold her. My best friend’s grandmother passed away a few years ago and they were very, very close. The best thing I could do was to hold her hand at the funeral and just be with her. You don’t need to say much. She’ll know you’re there to support and help her through this.

Post # 8
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MsGinkgo:  just know as someone who has lost a young sibling….that your presence and being an ear is more important than any fancy words or poems someone can come up with….send flowers is a nice gesture….but just hug her, and let her vent, cry or scream….and i know people will scream that youhave to help her process it ASAP….sometimes it is AMAZING to not talk about it every second of every day….she is your friend so you can read her better then most….follow her lead if she wants to laugh and just be girls….dont keep bringing it up….but acknowledge it with words such as “i understand that you are going through alot and if you want to talk abot it i am here….if you want to talk about something else just let me know….i am here no matter what”

what helped me was my friends who did not constantly bring it up……and let me just be….they held me when i needed to cry and cracked jokes when i needed to laugh and sometimes it was nice to just sit with another human being and just be….so dont worry about the right or wrong thing to say….or etiquitte just be her friend and be her shoulder….

Post # 9
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

@MsGinkgo:  I am so sorry to hear. I can’t even begin to imagine what your friend is going through. 

At times like this, there is no right or wrong thing to say. All you can do is just hold her and say how sorry you are – whether she wants to talk will be up to her. The most important thing you can do is just listen. I think it’s a really nice idea to go to the funeral – while you may not know her family, going to a funeral is a way of showing support to those left behind – like your friend. She will need a lot of support. 

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