BMs making me feel like it's a "chore" to be in my wedding

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@smv22114:  If it bothers you, confront them now!

My wedding is in less than 30 days and tbh I wish I had of put my foot down and changed BM. I’ve covered everything financially, including altering her dress to a mullet hem because she didnt like the straight across look I originally had, had her complain about wearing green as it is bad luck, she hasnt offered to pay for anything herself, hasnt said thank you and gives me crap about the amount I’m spending on my wedding,
I actually just wish she wasn’t in the wedding anymore.

Confront them now or you might just end up resenting them, like I am!

Post # 4
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I think you’re overthinking this. It probably isn’t that they’re not wanting to be in your wedding, just that they don’t feel like going shopping yet. Since your wedding is in the winter, I would want to wait until winter clothes came out myself. My BMs bought their own dresses and the last two didn’t get theirs until the week before. Nothing to stress about, they are capable adults, right? They’ll take care of it. Why worry about it? 

Post # 5
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

One thing I learned during my time as a bride is that weddings make ppl act extremely weird. And rude. Some ppl will totally ignore the crap out of u, even best friends. Some ppl u think couldnt care less will be the ones who r super excited and interested. as for ur bms, maybe they will pick up some interest soon. Seems like u have been dropping plenty of hints and making them aware of how important it is for them to get on the ball. I don’t know what comes over ppl during this time but it seems like they forget entirely how to be respectful, curteous, or reliable. I would just continue trying to be very communicative with them.

Post # 7
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@smv22114:  Ah, I understand. This is more about them being there for you than the actual dresses. Do they know that?

Just to clarify, I talked to my BMs all the time during my wedding planning process. I didn’t ask them to do stuff for me, but we just kept up our friendship like normal. I didn’t consider them placeholders because they were my best girls. In my opinion, the most important part was the friendship, not them doing wedding stuff with me.

You feel differently though which is totally fine. If you want them to help you out with wedding planning, let them know! Do try to balance wedding talk with normal friend stuff though. I think a lot of BMs run and hide because their friend can only talk about wedding stuff when they’re engaged. So do normal stuff with them – meet them for lunch and limit wedding talk to scheduling a dress shopping time with them. I think they’ll be happy to help you out with wedding stuff once a month if they know they can talk to you and not the bride you the rest of the time. 

 

Post # 9
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@smv22114:  It sounds like you’re being sensitive to their needs which is great. I would just be more firm and let them know what you need from them. Your plan sounds good to me! 

Post # 10
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Hi I am in a similar boat and my wedding is just over a month away! I have been very easy going and let the girls choose their dress and that was 8 months ago so after leaving it for 3 months neither of them had looked or decided on anything.  So I ended up finding 3 styles and let them choose whichever they wanted they both ended up deciding on the same dress..whihc have only arrived in the past week! Seriously I have found it is easier to be more assertive rather than hand it over to them completely.

With the wedding dress i went shopping with my mum, my MIL and her best friend (that i also know) which was a bit of a let done. Annd yep no bach party plans either! I did consult with them..6months ago as the groomsmen were all secretly organsing a bucks weekend and still nothing.  I have actually ended up booking a restaurant for a bach dinner and did all the invitations myself even. I would just like them to be interested and excited I have done the whole lot on my own and had my other friends who arent BMs offer to do the DIY projects, shop for shoes, lingerie etc

 I would start putting my foot down just gently say to them that you need it all finalised and just ask about the bach party and say what you would and wouldn’t like I honestly wouldn’t find it rude. Also if its there first time being a BM they may not realise what is expected of them 🙂

Post # 11
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My wedding is in 11 days.  I told my bridesmaids to wear whatever they want as long as the dresses are long and black.  I trust that they’ll choose appropriate and tasteful dresses.  I’m assuming that they have their dresses (and if they don’t, they will within the next 11 days).  I don’t need to see them before the wedding and I haven’t asked.  I very much doubt that any of your girls will not have a dress on the day of your wedding.

 

Post # 12
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ah, apologies.  I did not read all of your posts.  I see now that that is not your primary concern.

Post # 13
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@smv22114:  i had this problem and I didn’t address it. I had 5 BM’s originally but one dropped out because she became pregnant, however, she was always there for me even though she wasn’t a BM anymore. One of my other BM was my SIL who was away on her internship so there wasn’t much she could do, but she was excited. Then there were my sister (MOH) and my 2 friends, 1 of which had been going through a bad break up and the other was just no into my wedding. 
So I know how it feels to feel alone in the wedding process, but what helped me was my family, my aunt, my MIL, they were all so helpful and into the wedding, that i didn’t care if my girlfriends were there for me. You just have to look for other people that are willing to help you and be excited even if its not the BM

Post # 14
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@smv22114:  In my opinion, if you’re gonna do the whole “laid back” bride thing with bridesmaids dresses, you need to be laid back all the way.  Either pick a dress for the bridesmaids, or genuinely don’t care about what they wear.  I told my girls to wear whatever they wanted.  I didn’t even know what my bridesmaids were wearing until the day of the wedding, so it wasn’t stressful for any of us.

Post # 15
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It is a chore to be a bridesmaid, but we do it because we love our friends and want to be there for them.  If they are all picking their own dress off the rack, they don’t really need to be getting it any time soon.  So telling them a deadline, sending them emails about dress options (when they are supposed to be picking it out themselves) and other details might be getting annoying for them.

My girls have their dresses because they were found in a store while on vacation, I sent them a picture, they loved them, purchased and done.  I was going to let them wear their own accessories but found some on super clearance so picked them up and sent a picture.  They liked them, done.  I probably will not send them anything else wedding related.

Post # 16
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I am just going to play devil’s advocate here.  I have been in several weddings and being a BM is a chore but it is something you know ahead of time when you agree to be one.  When you are a BM you spend lots of money you don’t neccessarily have and they could definitely be thinking they are there for you when you may think differently.  Planning a wedding for some is a very sensitive time and it is easy to let small things turn in to meltdowns.  I would think they want to be in your wedding because they would not have agreed to be in it in the first place.  How are you contacting them? Texts are very impersonal and if you are sending group texts they can even be annoying, I almost never respond to a group text.  Have you tried to call them and speak to them live?  Maybe making individual efforts to talk to these three woman could be a helpful start?  

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