Post # 1
I don’t know who to talk to because I am so ashamed to say it out loud. I hate myself. I have so much going for myself and I know that and yet I can’t help but hate me. Everytime I look in the mirror I cringe and get cranky. It is not fair to anyone around me because I can’t help but take it out on them.
Hating myself makes me tense all the time and I lie awake at night thinking about how fat I am. I am getting tension headaches and feel nauseus thinking about it. (I am a 5 ft 3 in size 12 – I am not even that big!) All I see is the fat when I look in the mirror and my double chin.
Nobody knows this and I am too self-conscious to even say anything to my fiance who I can say anything to. eh. I have no motivation to move at the end of the work day because I am just so exhausted (first year teacher) and I know I am making excuses. I just don’t know what to do and I am turning to the bee to talk me down.
How do I talk to my fiance about this so he can help me get motivated? How can I stop hating myself?
Post # 3
I’m in the same boat…but getting better. I’m 5’4″ and recently put on a ton of weight due to a switch in birth control pills, as well as my hypothyroidism.
What I’ve found helpful is to focus on the positive, rather than the numbers (clothing sizes and weight). Buy yourself a pretty pair of shoes or a spa treatment…in other words, be nice to yourself. Focus on features you like instead of those you don’t. Instead of thinking about, say, having a “fat” day, put on an outfit that always makes you feel good about yourself.
Here’s a blog you might like/find helpful: http://www.alreadypretty.com/search/label/body%20image
I would encourage you to discuss this with your fiance; he’ll be able to positively reinforce you and help you get motivated. It’s as easy as just confiding in him about how you feel and asking him for help (just do it!). I was wary of talking to my FH about this stuff, but I’m glad I did because he’s been so supportive and helpful. Your fiance loves you; he will be supportive of you, too.
ETA: Here’s another site I just found that I think is inspiring: http://www.letterstomybody.com/
Post # 4
I think on some level most women can relate to “hating” something about their appearance at one point in their life or another.. I don’t know of any instant solution other than to try and focus on the parts of your appearance that you do like and then try to be more objective about how you look at yourself. From the little i know about image perception, we are often our own worst critics and judge ourselves much more harshly than the way the world sees us.
Post # 5
Oh, hon, I could have written this post myself.
I have had body issues my whole life. My sisters are very naturally thin, and I’m not. I’m built like a football player. One of my sisters is 5’8″ and weighs 110 pounds. She could eat crap every day and not gain an ounce.
My issues started when I was 13. My mom, sister, and I went back to school shopping, and my sister and I both tried on the same skirt (in our respective sizes). My mom told my sister that the skirt looked great on her, but it was too short for me because I was heavier.
I was also a ballet dancer on top of it. My instructor told me I’d never be a professional ballerina because I was too fat (not that I ever wanted to be a professional).
To this day (I’m now 30), my mother always tells me that I could “stand to lose a few pounds.” I have tried my whole life to diet and be thin, and I wound up with an eating disorder because of it. I’m not starving myself anymore, but I tell you what, I could slip back into that mentality in a second. My metabolism is royally screwed up because of it. Even at my thinnest, I was still a size 8 (I’m a 14 now, and it kills me). I’m a law student, and I call my parents every time I achieve something…and while my mother is happy for me, she’s even happier when I call and tell her that I lost 10 pounds. Every time I talk to her on the phone, she asks me if I’m eating healthy.
I highly recommend seeing a therapist. My FI gets extremely angry when I say negative things about my body, but I’m just so unhappy. I watch what I eat and work out 3 times a week, and I can’t see any difference. I know I should up my exercise, but I just don’t have the energy to do anymore than what I already do. My therapist has helped a lot. I understand that I have an unhealthy relationship with food, and she’s helped me to learn how to deal with it. That being said, I still have a long way to go!
Post # 6
You’ve got a FI that loves you so maybe it would be good to talk to him if you need some reassurance. But at the same time if you want to approach it in a way that you two work out together a little or eat healthier you might be able to do it in a more positive way when you talk to him, which might help both of you look forward to it. Like if you’re too tired after work, maybe spend one of the weekend afternoons making a few pre-made meals. Or when we were wedding planning I looked up how to dance videos on youtube so I’d have a little more confidance dancing at our wedding. It usually ended up with us eventually having one too many glasses of wine and not doing what the instruction said at all and just dancing around instead but it was a good work out and fun. And one of the best things you can do to get your metabolism up and going faster is to get more muscle so you could even suggest kick boxing or sparring with him.
Post # 7
I agree with buttontoes, chick. You sound like you’re really suffering with this. Life really is too short to be so deeply unhappy in your skin. You do, however, sound like you do realise that how you’re feeling is unhealthy, so that’s a great first step.
Go see someone. And also talk to your FI. Please. It will be an opportunity for you to grow together – this is a very big part of who you are, and he can help you through it.
Post # 8
My FI always says “Why can’t you girls just believe us when we tell you that you look great?!” I’ve learned to appreciate that over the years as I’ve rounded out a little bit. If you have a good guy, he means it when he tells you that you’re beautiful! I don’t think weight is as big of a deal to guys as it is to us girls. It is for some, and they are the guys that won’t give a girl the time of day unless they are a size 2 or less. Point being, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with you if he didn’t already think you were gorgeous, inside and out. 🙂
That being said, it is very important to feel good about yourself. It doesn’t matter who tells you how great you look or how many times they tell you, feeling bad about how you look will always get you down. If you really want to lose a few pounds to boost your self-esteem, YOU CAN DO IT! As a dance teacher, I will tell you what I tell all my students – exercising endlessly does NOT help you lose weight! You must have a balance of good diet and reasonable exercise. Try just going for a brisk walk at the end of the day or maybe on even on your lunchbreak. Crunching on carrots instead of chips and crackers. Do you drink sodas? Try and knock that, or at least switch to Diet. Don’t kill yourself trying to lose weight. It won’t work and you’ll just end up frustrated and confused. Try to change your mindset “I’m going to live healthier” instead of “I’m going to get skinny.” That in itself will give you the confident glow that you are probably lacking now.
Post # 9
I struggled with the same issue for a LOOOONG time. My mother always tells me I need to lose weight even though I’m a pretty petite lil’ cookie. Working with dancers didn’t help either. However, it hit me one day that it wasn’t my job to be thin. Nobody was EVER going to pay me money to be thin and pretty. I was putting way too much time and grief into being thin, but what was I getting out of it? Nothing but an ulcer in my stomach and stress headaches. Do I still have bad days now and then? Of course, it’s natural, but I have a man who loves me no matter what I look like and that’s all that counts.
So, yes, be honest and talk to your mister about it. You may also want to find a support group where you live for people with body issues. It’s a long and difficult journey to finding peace in your body when you have these feelings and having a support system helps! Many hugs to you!!!
Post # 10
I understand how you feel!
Last year I was a first year teacher, so I know how exhausted you are! If you want to try working some exercise into your routine in a manageable way that will get results, I really recommend the 30 Day Shred DVD from Jillian Michaels. It’s only 20 minutes! All you need is a pair of 3-pound weights. I did it for about 5 months, 3-4 days a week, and I spend about half of that time on level 1. I really saw results and it made a big difference in the way I felt, emotionally and physically! Another way I made the time aspect of it manageable was to change my shower schedule around a little. Instead of showering insanely early in the morning before school, I showered in the afternoon/evening after I did my workout. It saved 15 minutes not to shower twice in a day.
And on the teaching aspect of it–are there ways you can make teaching less time-consuming and stressful? I know that when I started collaborating with colleagues to plan lessons, I saved tons of time and my students got better lessons and a much better-rested teacher! Steal lesson plans from online–there’s no need to write them all from scratch! Make rubrics and figure out grading shortcuts. If you think about these things it might save you some time that you can use to pamper yourself and exercise.
Are there aspects of your appearance that you do like that you can concentrate on? Are there aspects of your appearance that you have neglected that don’t have anything to do with your weight? Would it make you feel better to go out and get a haircut or your eyebrows done or to buy some new makeup?
A mistake I made during my wedding planning and fitness journey last year was that I got this idea in my head that on my wedding day, I would be the most beautiful in my whole life and it would be only downhill from there. Realize that that idea is bullshit and that you will be an attractive woman for many years after your wedding, and a lot of that pressure will go away. Whatever changes you make this year, make a commitment to stick to them (although it might be ok to step down the intensity somewhat–and it will be easier to find the time once you’re a second year teacher, believe me!). I’m not sure that you’re thinking in this way, but it was a HUGE issue for me, so I thought I’d mention it.
As far as talking to your FI about this, explain to him how you feel about your body (and try to avoid using extreme language that might make him overreact). Ask him if you could ask him for encouragement every once in a while. When you need it, ask him to make you feel beautiful and sexy, and to give you specific compliments about what he loves about your body. Maybe he’d want to work out with you?
Post # 11
I agree with some of the previous posters that you should consider seeing someone. I know that when I’m feeling down about how I look, my husband just laughs it off and says I’m crazy so I probably would be careful how you phrase it to your FI, since guys like the way that we look. That’s why they are with us and don’t notice all the ‘flaws’ that we see.
I also think you should try to get him on board with being healthy with you. Eating good foods and working out together will bond you and help you get fitter and feel better about yourself.
Post # 12
Ugh, this post speaks straight from my heart! I have just got the professional pictures back, and while everybody tells me how beautiful I look, all I can see is my flabby arms, my (admittedly relatively small) backspill, my double chin. I barely even like any of the photos we got, even though I can see they ARE beautiful pictures. I am just so disappointed in myself and my appearance, and the way my face looks. I tried so hard and lost so much weight before the wedding, and I truly felt thin and beautiful on the day, but looking at the pictures now i think everybody must have been lying to me as i still look bigger than most of my friends. I don’t know how to get over this either. 🙁
Post # 13
I completely understand where you are coming from. Every time I look in the mirror I see my loe handles and my thundr thighs and a belly that looks worse than I’m sure it is. I hate the way I look and that makes me depressed and when I am depressed I want to do nothing but lay on the cough, mope, and watch crime shows. Working out, no. Eating, no. Nothing. My boyfriend absolutely hates when I say anything, but he does get me to work out sometimes and when I do he tells me how proud he is. He has gotten to eating better as well, so maybe that will help me to eat better as well.
Just tell him how you feel. He loves you just the way you are and will want to help you love yourself the way he does. You could talk to him with a mediator/therapist/parent/clergy member. There are a ton of people out there ready and willing to help you through a crisis.
I’ve just recently switched medicines and dropped weight, but I don’t see any difference in the mirror. I see it in the way my clothes fit, but I still feel like there is much more wiggle and jiggle than there should ever be. Just know that you have a support system here as well; we have all been through it/are going through it.
Post # 14
You said it yourself. Hating yourself is exhausting–emotionally, physically, intellectually.
The truth is this: YOU have to stop hating yourself. YOU have to be the one to do it. That doesn’t mean don’t confide in us or don’t seek help–PLEASE seek help.
But at the end of the day, you are making and drinking your own poison. And you have to stop. And here’s the simplest way to do it (even though it’ll take a while to really get absorbed):
STOP yourself from speaking badly about yourself. That means, from here on out, you have to take a literal conscious effort to stop the criticisms when you look in the mirror and to replace them with good thoughts. First step is that whenever you hear that little voice in your head, you have to police it, and replace it with something positive about your body OUT LOUD, to yourself, in the mirror. YOu don’t even have to believe it yet. You can think it’s crazy. But you’ve gotta do it. Every single bad thought must be replaced with a good thought. You have to will your own goodwill.
Second–and this is NOT encouraging you to change, I promise–DO focus *a little* on your eating habits and your exercise. NOT because you need to lose weight, but because you need to treat yourself with respect and take care of yourself. Your body needs exercise. IT needs healthy fuel. Honor it by taking care of it. I gained a lot by taking yoga (in a room with no mirrors! lol!) becuase it forced me to respect my body for what it could do, not what it looked like. SO whatever your pick–swimming, walking, aerobics, do something to make you feel like you’re taking care of YOU. Again, this is not a suggestion to change or be different; it’s just saying when you do so, you’ll feel better about yourself.
I know it’s hard. I have my days too. But come tomorrow promise yourself that you will do everything you can to love yourself, even if it’s just going through the motions at first. In time, they won’t be just motions.
Post # 15
You ladies are so amazing. Sometimes it helps to just feel less alone.
@JennyW1: I will definitely try that. Thanks.
You all made me feel relieved. I don’t know why but I feel relieved and I feel like I can talk to FI. I know you are all right and he will be concerned that I am sad but love me no less. Wish me luck.
@cherryshake: I bet you are beautiful. Don’t let it get you down! We can overcome this!
Post # 16
I truely believe every woman has body issues..I’m very guilty of this. I am the type of person that has always been cautious about what i eat and feel terribly guilty when i eat badly (which happens way too often) I also get on these exercise kicks but they never last more than a few weeks. Never enough to really change anything. Right when i got engaged i was like ok, time to kick it in to gear and get serious about this…getting married was a huge motivation for me, of course i want to look great on my wedding day but i want to look darn good in my bathing suit and lingerie on my honeymoon. So i said self…you are getting yourself back in that gym for the next couple months and i have. It was tough at first but after 3 weeks it just became routine and i really started seeing a difference and that was even more motivation to continue. I got FI going with me too…we get up on sundays and do a light 30 -40 minute workout (because god knows we do not leave the couch when football is on) , then i do pilates on mondays and wednesday for an hour at the ymca. Tuesdays and Thursday i meet the FI either at the y or at his apartment gym. then i take fridays and saturdays off. I absolutely dislike working out so i have found switching up the days has really helped. Besides that i just eat what i want in moderation.
I dont know if this is any help to you but coming from someone who has never stuck to diet or exercise regimine im telling you it can be done. And it really is the key to helping body image…exercise and balanced diet. so for the past 7 weeks i have stuck to my plan and i am really starting to feel better about myself, i can see a difference in my body and my mind. I dont have those fat days nearly as much. My advice is start some kind of exercise plan it not only makes you healthier but it really does help you feel better about yourself especially if you can stick with it! And for telling the fiance, i would just be straight up honest about it…he loves you obviously, sometimes its ok to admit your insecurities. Maybe you can even get him to go with you like my FI, it really helps having a workout buddy because you guys encourage each other to go. one of us is always like ugh i dont want to go today and then the other will make us go and we always feel better about it after. I’ve always said the hardest part about going to the gym in getting there…once you are there its simple and sometimes i even enjoy it. Oh! another plus, it will give you A LOT more energy and i swear it helps with your sex drive 😉
good luck! know that you are beautiful