(Closed) Boston MOH needs help – shower out of control

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

No stress!


You should either talk to MOB or the other BMs about expectations. Don’t bring the bride into it yet. Check with the other bms, but it seems reasonable to have all the BMs should have ONE SHOWER for the bride, in boston, and you all chip in and make it wonderful!! In terms of finances, could you all cover hosting in Boston at 20-30 a head for 40 ppl? Then, if MOB wants to have a shower in Balitmore, all the power to her, tell her you will support emotionally (and go, if you are able) but are unable to help financially.  If you have a get a bit of a stern tone with her, it might not hurt. Good luck, and enjoy the planning!

Post # 4
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

aren’t there any city-owned spaces?  like a city hall with nice meeting rooms open to public, rooms in a church, a local rec center or other public space?

 i’d try to find a neutral space (not in your house, not in a restaurant) and then cook with the other bridesmaids or have a grocery store cater.  good luck

Post # 5
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Okay, I guess I’m from an area where I think its way, way, way out of line for MOB to be saying anything to you about what you should do and how…and bordering on rude that even the bride would hand you a list of people to invite (did you ask for that)?  I don’t even know where to begin, but seriously WTF?!  They are telling you that you must host two showers and you must do that at locations of their convenience?  And what bride in her right mind invites every single guest to the shower in the first place? And seriously, who dictates that all BM’s must travel to both showers?  This is totally nuts imho!

I suspect MOB has some friends and relatives where she lives that she would like to invite to an event.  If she’s uncomfortable with hosting a shower for her daughter, she could have some other thing (like a tea or luncheon).  But no way are you required to do that for her sake.  A friend of my mom’s is throwing me a shower where my mom lives, but no one expects my BM’s to make extra trip to attend it.

And I guess I’m not one to even think that BM’s have to host a shower at all…but it is often what’s done.  So I think it’s lovely that you are offering to host one, but I think you need to tell the bride that while you want to do something she’d enjoy, these are your limitations.  You should not have to host an 85+ person party just b/c your bride apparently thinks that’s what you should do.  Ask her for a list of x number of people you can afford to host.  I’m not sure if this fall into "no, no" category or not.  My sister asked me for a list for a tea she’s hosting for me, and before I gave it to her I also checked on how many people she thought would be a good number.  And on that topic, I don’t htink it’s rude at all to ask the bride for a guest list.  It actually cracks me up to imagine who might be invited if the list were left to my Fiance.

As to the bride herself, hard to know what’s going on there.  But if her mom’s like that, maybe that’s her notion of how these things go.  Not sure if she’s being demanding or clueless, but probably the easiest to treat it like the latter (i.e. that she doesn’t realize how rude it is to ask your friends to invite 85+ people to a shower that they have to pay for).  Yes, old school etiquette says you should never talk about money in social settings, but we’re not British aristocrats and you should not spend your life’s savings on your friend’s wedding…so I do think you need to address these issues.  And since MOB sounds nuts, you probably do need to bring it up with the bride.  B/c unless there’s another wealthy Bridesmaid or Best Man who’s willing to foot the bill for all this, it sounds like you’re looking at something that’s way outside your financial comfort zone.

Post # 7
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I think this MOB is being outrageous!

1) Hosting one shower is generous.  I think since you’re in Boston you will host a shower there.  If the MOB wants a second, that falls to her.  Also, it doesn’t have to be a full meal- what about just apps or a tea?  If you are hosting, you decide what the shower will be like, not the MOB.  If she wants to dictate, she can plan it and pay for it! 

2) You should only pay what you can comfortably afford.  You could ask each maid what they would be comfortable contributing, give that total to the MOB and tell her that unless she’s willing to foot the rest of the bill, you will work within that budget.

3) The etiquette is to invite all the women on the wedding guest list.  Where do all these guests live? I think you should maybe bring this up to the bride and say that you will host a Boston shower, who does she want invited to it?

4)  I think you should send out an e-mail asking people to e-mail you what they are comfortable contributing- stressing that it doesn’t have to be equally divided, each can contribute according to her abilites.  However, maybe give them an idea of the crazy expenses and ask for ideas on how to curb them (ie just serve tea and scones, cake and coffee, or appetizers, etc)

Post # 8
596 posts
Busy bee

I agree with what everyone has said so far!  As for a cost effective way of feeding people at a bridal shower…would it be possible to host a potluck shower? 

Post # 9
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow, this sounds really crazy and I think everyone on here agrees!

But, just wanted to make a quick suggestion – You mentioned that you live in an apartment.  Does your apartment or another BM’s apartment have a small recreation room for gatherings? 

The last two apartments I have lived in do and the cost of renting them was minimal – free with enought advance notice or $100, I believe.  They usually also have small kitchens in them as well, so you could cater the event yourself.  Both have been nice, decent sized rooms with seating for maybe about 20-30 people.  Maybe you could rent a couple of tables to add seating?

Just a thought!  Good Luck!


Post # 10
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

it really sounds unreasonable for the MOB to be doing this. I don’t think that the MOH/BMS should be hosting 2 bridal showers, let alone hosting it with so many guest. If the MOB/Bride wants it so big, then the MOB should definitely flip the bill and not expect the MOH/BMs to pay for it. I know that I would never dream of asking my bridal party to do that.

Post # 12
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Whoa!!!  Thats crazy!!  85 people?  Seriously.  I would tell her momzilla that you and the BMs are able to contribute $X each to the shower and expect her to pay the balance (only say it nicely, NOT ask nicely) since this is her grand scheme.  If she’s unhappy, then I guess her daughter wont get the lavish shower she had hoped for…

As a several time Bridesmaid or Best Man, I can attest that brides and their moms (hopefully not myself included) can get completely consumed with the wedding.  Just because its the biggest day in YOUR life does not make it the biggest day in mine…but I am happy for you, just stop trying to break me!  Its a recession for PETE’s SAKES…if there are 8 people. that $1600 for a shower!!!  Seriously?  No way jose.

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