so i have read through some other boards to see that others have gone through a similar problem but i seem to haev reached an awkward crossroad in my life relating to a bridesmaid and someone i thought was a best friend...
one of my bridesmaids got engaged about 3ish months after i did and set her date a month before mine...i have been best friends with this girl for 10+ years, i used to live with her family, go to each other's family functions, we were just about as close as close could be. we have still maintained this friendship to this day, live in the same town, work for the same place, and talk/email every day. i obviously asked her to be one of my bridesmaids. and she had always said i would obviously be one of hers (even until a couple months ago).
as it turns out, she talked to me the other day, and is not putting me in her wedding. she tried to say it was because they were only having family, but as it turns out she is having 2 other friends so that was a bull excuse. i (as well as my closest friends/fiance) am certain it is because of her fiance, who is sort of grumpy and mellow and i am loud and bubbly and i just dont think i am his favorite person.
i cried and i cried and i told her i was very hurt, but this hurt is turning to anger. we have always been the best of friends, like sisters. she even told me on Thanksgiving that when she gets married i will "obviously be in her wedding" but now apparently i am not good enough and she is taking it back. she told me i could help out or be involved, but frankly i dont want to.
and it is EXTRA awkward because she is CURRENTLY one of my bridesmaids. my fiance does not like her for hurting my feelings like this. none of my other bridesmaids like her because they know how close we are and how much i have stuck up for her when my friends didnt care for her. and my family is even angry with her because her and i have always been like family and they know this.
i'm not going to do anything childish like kicking her out of my bridal party (although i sort of feel like everyone is going to make her feel awkward and uncomfortable and she may back out herself), but my heart is not in it anymore and it doesnt mean anything anymore for her to be in it. my heart is not in giving her a bridesmaid gift or paying for her hair or having her up there with me on my big day. in fact i have sort of accepted this as a crossroads in life in which we may no longer be "best friends".
i guess i would just like to hear from other people if they have gone through this or how i should approach/handle anything further from here. nothing rude please, i am honestly feeling very hurt and looking for some help. thanks bees!
You should handle it by accepting it and moving on. She can chose whomever she wishes and quite frankly I don't think she needs to provide you with an explanation. It's a pretty silly thing to let come between you, so I'd just move on.
Since you clearly want to ruin your friendship over something so petty, just kick her out of your bridal party. It's worse to keep her in and not treat her the same as the other girls. The only one that is going to suffer from all of this is you though. If you keep her in, it will be awkward on your wedding day and won't be fun like it should be while you're all getting ready. If you decide to ruin your friendship over this and kick her out, I'm sure you will regret it and be sad she isn't there with you on your day.
I didn't include one of my best friends in the wedding party and she never said a word about it to me. She's been there for me through planning and all the showers and parties every step of the way as if she was and accepted it and did not make it awkward for me or make me feel bad about it (which I already did on my own). She acted like a mature adult would who values our friendship more than being deemed a bridesmaid. I only recently had a conversation with her about it since it came up via another friend and she was totally cool with it still, said I didn't need to give her a reason why she was fine with it and still so happy and ready to party at my wedding and that anything she could do to help me she'd be happy to do.
I'm sorry you're going through this :(. That really sucks, and I totally understand you feeling hurt and left out. I'd be so upset too, you should really talk to her openly about this situation and how hurt you are. I hope you can work it out with her.
okay first of all i asked for people not be rude...i was mostly hurt because she was a) trying to make up excuses that were crap and b) because she had already told me i would be in it and was taking it back which i thought was messed up. and i did not "shit-talk" her to anyone. my feelings were hurt, i needed to confide in my best friends. i didnt run my mouth i just said i was sad i was not part of her wedding. that is all. and it's not like it is a secret or something i am talking smack about-its a very clear fact that everyone will find out anyways: i am not in her wedding.
i told her it doesnt change the fact that when i asked her to be in mine it was because i wanted her to be. i told her it doesnt change the years of friendship we had. i also told her i was happy for her regardless and would help if she needed it and celebrate with her. i have been trying to handle this maturely and move forward, but inside i am very upset and was mostly just looking for an outlet to deal with it.
@mrsmay07: thank you for your support/kindness. it does suck. we chatted about it for a while and i expressed how hurt i was but i was honestly getting so upset i was crying and i told her i needed to not talk about it for a while. this girl and i have been like sisters, its very upsetting to me and just a very weird feeling honestly.
@MrsWBS: Assuming makes an ass out of u and me.
Nowhere did she say she shit-talked. And she never stated, "I really REALLY want to end this friendship because of something petty!"
Your situation with your friend is a bit different. OP was told she was going to be in the wedding. If you're not sure, you don't say anything. I wouldn't be hurt if my friend didn't include me, but i would be hurt if she says "You're totally in except just kidding!"
Why would you get someone's hopes up like that?
@Chrysoberyl: there's only 1 way all her friends and family and FI now don't like the girl - because she told them what happened.
Don't call me an ass, thanks very much.
Also, maybe you shouldn't be the one assuming anything about my story since you don't have all the facts. All my friends and I have all talked about being in each other's weddings and we've all said they would be, and sometimes it hasn't worked out that way, this was one of those times. I hardly see it as getting someone's hopes up and more of situations change once you actually get engaged and plan a wedding.
Honestly, it is a crappy ordeal but I would suck it up and just have her in the wedding OR if you know this will cause tension I would drop her out (if you are willing to lose a friendship) because this could potentially create problems depending on your attitudes are towards each other.
jeez it's not like i exploited some big secret, i said i'm not in her wedding! they were going to find out anyways! and people have asked, "well you're in so-and-so's wedding right?" "No, i'm not" simple question and answer. i have not been "shit-talking". i have even been asked by several people if i was her MOH. thats how close we are. or so i thought. its one of those friendships where i was a given to be in it so its very bizarre to everyone that i am not. and if upsets people that my feelings are hurt or they find it weird i'm not in it that is not my fault.
and its not like she told me six years ago "oh you'll totally be in my wedding someday". in retrospect this was only about a week before she got engaged, we were at her house talking about my wedding and she said "well when FI actually proposes to me one of these days you will obviously be one of my bridesmaids."
Ok, i'm gonna have to back a girl up on this one (being you, OP). You are not being unreasonable, you are cleary not trying to ruin your friendship, you are not being petty, she does owe you an explanation since she has already told you you were in the bridal party prior to the official engagement, and this is not a "grow up and deal with it" scenario. All I had to do was put myself in your shoes for a minute and replace your best friend with my best friend and I could instantly feel the hurt you are feeling right now. Don't panic though, it's going to be ok. My fiance sometimes doesn't appreciate my bestie as much as I do...and he's more annoyed with her than I wish, but I would not exclude her from anything in my life bc of it. That's if we are assuming that your best friend's fiance is the one who prompted this, but since we don't know the reason yet you are going to have to muster the courage to talk to her about it. Just ask her, don't worry that you will offend her, if you just tell her you were really surprised and thought that when she told you back during Thanksgiving that you were obviously going to be in the wedding that you took that as being a bridesmaid...and you would just really like to know why you weren't considered one. You can even tell her a little white lie like "I won't be upset if you never considered me to be one, I just misunderstood I guess..."
I think considering how close you two were/are that you are going to get a reason you can process instead of just feeling cut off.
Sorry sweetie :(
@MrsWBS: "Since you clearly want to ruin your friendship over something so petty,"
It's amazing that you figured out her intention. You really think this is what she wanted? Why would you say that? That is so incredibly hurtful!
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Although there is not much you can do...my suggestion is to take this as a sign of what she thinks of your friendship. Your wedding is just one extremely special moments in your life that you will share with your friends and family. For example, if you have a child at least you know NOW not to make her their god parent, or if something really serious happened and you NEED a friend to help, don't call on her.
My FMIL helped me through something like this when someone I really thought was my friend let me down. We are civil towards one another, but I was wise enough not to ask her to be a bridesmaid, thank God.
@Chrysoberyl: Sorry but the way I see it is SHE is letting this come between them instead of chosing to accept it and move forward. She admitted she doesn't want her in her wedding now, doesn't care about her being there or getting her a gift, etc. It's all pretty childish to me.
OP - obviously they would have found out eventulaly , but there's no reason for them to hate her now and treat her differently unless you were saying things to lead them to feel that way. We had a groomsmen drop out, both of us were very hurt and pissed because of the reason - We didn't go around telling everyone what happened or the reason why because we didn't want anyone to be upset with him or think poorly of him. In fact, we haven't told anyone except the tux shop that we will need 1 less tux than originally stated.
Also, maybe her and her fiance compromised on the number of people. THis is how my friend got left out. He wnated his sisters in it and only wanted 3 people. THat would have left me with just mine and his sisters. I wanted 6 to have all 3 sisters and 3 best friends. We settled on 5 for me and 4 for him. It happens. It's not the end of thje world and not worth ruining a friendship over. I think you'll really regret it one day.
@MrsWBS: That was kind of uncalled for... Who are you to say that the OP wants to ruin the friendship or that she 'shit-talked' about her to the rest of the bridal party? I'm not really sure how stating letting people know that your feelings are hurt is talking shit. "I'm hurt because my friend kicked me out of her bridal party," is not the same as going around telling everyone how awful a person is or why you don't like them.
How many brides have been told on this site that it is NOT okay to kick someone out of their wedding party?
"If you decide to ruin your friendship over this and kick her out, I'm sure you will regret it and be sad she isn't there with you on your day."
The OP's friend got engaged, then told the OP she was in the wedding, then kicked the OP out of the wedding. So why is it the OP's fault for 'ruining the friendship' when the friend kicked the OP out first?
If the friend hadn't already ASKED the OP to be in the bridal party, it would be different, but the fact is that the OP was a bridesmaid, and now she isn't.
@rachelmichelle: actually apparently the friend tol her she was in the wedding before she got engaged, so she was never technically kicked out.
ALso, I just don't see how her simply stating I'm hurt I wasnt asked to be in her wedding would result in her friends being awkward to her on the day of the wedding. If I was one of the other friends, I'd tell her that sucks that happened but it would have no bearing on my feelings or actions towards the girl. My feelings/actions towards someone would only change if someone had talked some shit on them. Not just simply told me they were sad because they weren't a bridesmaid.
@MrsWBS: The way I'm reading it, it seems as if she asked OP after she was engaged.
@MrsWBS: From the original post:
"she even told me on Thanksgiving that when she gets married i will "obviously be in her wedding""
That was less than two months ago. Unless her friend *just* got engaged, then she said she'd be in the bridal party after she was engaged. And really, even if she *did* just get engaged, it's a pretty low thing to do to turn around less than two months after you've told someone they'll be a bridesmaid, and basically go, "Actually, I know I just told you that you could be a bridesmaid, but now that I've just gotten engaged I've decided that I didn't really mean it."
@MrsElliott: She may have her reasons, maybe not, but if you are feeling hurt and resentful towards her, it's not fair to either of you to endure all the wedding activities. But something to consider: she's one of your best friends, but you may be one of her good friends. Just because there are girls she is closer to, does not mean that your friendship isn't important. Maybe she doesn't want a large number of bridesmaids. I'm sorry you're hurting, but it doesn't sound like this was to deliberately hurt you.
I do think you should probably tell her not to be in the bridal party. This doesn't sound like it is something you are going to get past, and frankly, her being in the pictures will probably cause you to feel pain when you look at them.
There are few things worse than being a bridesmaid in a wedding where you and the bride aren't friends, but they feel the need to repay some kind of "debt" and you're kept in it. And regardless of how much it was discussed, your family and friends are upset with her, and you will both be uncomfortable with her being there.
Weddings are almost like test for the important people in your life. Sometimes people ace it. sometime not. Don't make her do anything more then get a dress. Don't excude her from anything else the other girls are getting. But you are perfectly within your right to "Check-Out" of the relationship. Re-assess the friendship after the wedding
from OP's most recent response: and its not like she told me six years ago "oh you'll totally be in my wedding someday". in retrospect this was only about a week before she got engaged, we were at her house talking about my wedding and she said "well when FI actually proposes to me one of these days you will obviously be one of my bridesmaids."
@MrsWBS: Okay, so how does it make it okay for her to say something and then a week later take it back because she actually did get engaged?
If anything, that makes it worse. If I were the OP, I would totally just be like, "Wow, she was only saying that to me because she didn't think it would actually happen. She never actually meant it."
So yeah, what her friend did was wrong, and the OP does have a right to her feelings. I'm not really understanding why you think it's okay to call her petty and immature because she is (justifiably) hurt by what her friend did, which was pretty mean, imo.
@MrsElliott: Hey, if my best friend had said, "I'm engaged! And you're totally going to be one of my bridesmaids." And then came back a few months later to take it back and lie about the reason... I'd be pretty hurt, too. Being selected as a bridesmaid is an honor that represents the importance of the relationship you share with the bride. So being told that you are no longer part of her wedding would hurt. But finding out that the reason she told you why you weren't demoted is a lie, would hurt the most. I don't think that telling others what happened is talking bad about her. But that would depend on the way the story was relayed, too. However, I think the situation speaks for itself. I'm saying all this because I can empathize with your feelings. You are hurt.
With that said, I am going to say that I am a huge promoter of forgiveness. If we only ever forgave people who deserved it, then no one would ever be forgiven for anything and people would just be mad at each other all the time. I think you should forgive her and chose not to dwell on the fact that you're not part of her wedding while she is part of yours. I would even go so far as to ask your FI, family, bridesmaids and friends who know to not treat her any differently. Ask them to still be kind to her. The same goes for you. Treat her the same as the other bridesmaids (regarding the gift and hair, etc). You will come out of this as the bigger person by doing so, IMO.
@rachelmichelle: I think it's fine to be disappointed and hurt - those feelings are certainly valid. I think it's petty to "accept" that the friendship is over because of it and to say it means nothing to you if she's a BM anymore and that you don't feel like giving her a gift, etc. Just my opinion, I'm totally fine with people not agreeing with it.
life's just way too short in my opinion to let this come between a long-standing friendship.
@MrsWBS: to clarify, i said i "accepted" we weren't "best friends" anymore, not that the friendship was over. just not the level i thought it was. i said my heart was not in it anymore to give her a gift etc, not that i dont feel like it or was not going to.
I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt, but your friend has the right to choose whoever she wants in her wedding party for whatever reason. And shouldn't need to explain herself.
@MrsWBS: ALL OF THIS!!!!
@MrsElliott: I'm not sure why anyone would treat her differently, because I don't see why you would tell the world that she decided not to have you in her wedding. I mean seriously? I've been in a few weddings. NONE of the people whose weddings I've been in are in mine. My own SISTER is not in my wedding. [content moderated for snark, personal attack]
@MrsElliott: Ok, so this really sucks. I have a friend going through the same thing. She's really hurt, but not going to say anything.
I was once not asked (which is totally fine with me) to be BM in a HS friend's wedding. Just 2 years ago, she had a few too many glasses of wine and got really upset saying how she wished I was part of her day and in all of her pictures. She really regretted it. I really and truly never felt bad about it, but SHE FEELS BAD. Still.
So, here's the thing. You can choose to accept it and also accept the change in your relationship. It seems like you feel differently about her and the friendship and that is ok. Don't kick her out and don't let your friends and family mistreat her. We get hurt lots of times in our lives but we don't always need a full army back up. Call them off. Treat her as a friend, but allow that distance to grow and the friendship will shake out to be whatever it will be.
Just because she hurt you does not mean you and/or your friends should hurt her. Please. It will not feel good for anyone.
thanks to many of you for your support, help, and empathy. it is very appreciated. it is also very nice to see how encouraging people can be to complete strangers. so thank you! this was mostyl an outlet for me to really express my feelings without getting emotional and coming off rude to my friend and without emphasizing my hurt to others and making them "hate" her. my FI knows how truly upset i am because obviously i share everything with him. and he hates seeing me hurt and knows i dont have it in me to hurt anyone else, so he hates to see me in this position.
And nothing said before an engagement occurs should even matter. Just about every girl plans their wedding before they're married. What ends up happening in a lot of times is completely different. It's not like the girl was engaged, asked her to be in the wedding and then said forget it...
@MrsWBS: have you ever been told "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all"
this poor girl and myself come on here for support not to be told we are unresonable or that we shouldn't feel the way we do.
just saying, if you are just going to be rude, maybe you should type it out and then delete it before pressing "post"
@MrsFullerToBe: agree! it is also amazing to see how incredibly rude and hurtful people can be to people they dont even know! so thank you!
i think some people are focusing way too much on same of the negative things that were said and repeating them the way the see fit. honestly if you have nothing nice to say, keep it to yourself.
@MrsFullerToBe: just providing my opinion which this site is allowed to do. As far as I'm concerned I haven't broken any TOS so I'm free to write what I wish. Sorry you don't agree with me, but you can't censor anyone on here. Maybe you should think twice before posting on the internet for advice if you can't take other people being real with you.
@MrsWBS: do as you wish, i just don't think it is called for *shrugs*
@MrsElliott: i completely agree. we may be hidden behind a computer but we are still really people. be a little kind here. also, i am sorry what has happened and you have EVERY right to be upset about this. hopefully things work out and you do not lose a friendship over this. keep your head up!
what a shitty situation all around :(
i am really sorry youre going through this OP. i would feel the same as you if i were in your shoes and it would take a lot of work to get to the part where i moved past the whole thing, but i really hope you will. it sounds like your friendship with this girl has been very meaningful to you for a decade. you chose to show her how much it meant by honoring her with the role as an attendant in your wedding. it's something many of us here would do as well. but just because she didnt reciprocate with a bridesmaid role doesnt mean that you mean any less to her. some people dont care at all about bridal parties, they assign no real significance to them and they dont feel being in one is an unspoken declaration of who's who in their lives. neither viewpoint is better or worse, we all just value different things.
what's important here is that being a BM DID say all those things to YOU. that is completely ok... and when you've had some more time to cool down and organize your thoughts i would suggest talking to her about that again. if she is your best friend, she deserves to know. she may not be able to fix the BM thing, but if she knows what you are feeling, she can recognize what you mean to her in ways that resonate more strongly with you going forward.
thanks for the support and positive feedback and encouragement :)
i'm sorry you're feeling hurt...i would be too, even if i didn't want to be feeling that way. the issue here seems to be that she asked you to be a BM and then took it back (I'd have to re-read the OP, but I'm not so sure how much responsibility your friend took when she was telling you the news, like "I'm so sorry I said one thing and now I'm doing another...I wouldn't blame you to be upset, but our friendship means a lot....blahblahblah). And THEN she lied and said "just family" (when two other friends are still BM). I wouldn't like that at all...
Plus, many of us have friends who are like family (the way you describe this friend) and our families and theirs are also close...this is definitely an awkward situation. You have every right to be upset...and your family and friends just seem to be wanted to stick up for you.
I would take a step back for a little while...and then maybe have lunch and express your feelings. From there, just try to move on and focus on the positive...but take your time to nurse the hurt feelings.
I'm sorry that you're hurt OP, and I know I would be too. Hugs. It's a crappy situation and a nasty surprise for your friend to spring on you. It was rude and unfair, I get that.
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