Post # 1
Hey Bees, I wanted your advice and tips on how to make things easier and smoother for my and my fiance’s first time together. We held ourselves back from having a sexual relationship due to religious beliefs, and I’m a little nervous about our first time together.
We definitely plan to ease into things, get in the mood, and gauge our comfort level throughout everything. But even though he is super understanding and considerate of me, I’m just so scared of going through that pain the first time and having it last for weeks after. I have a healthy sex drive but his is of course much more than mine. I don’t want to turn him down when we’re married, especially after he’s waited so long, but just fear it being painful. I’m also worried about how to deal with that feeling like you’re just a hole that’s being used when you’re not particularly in the mood. How do you get yourself in the mood when you’re not really feeling it and how do you stay in the mood if you’ve already climaxed?
Tips please! Thanks
Post # 3
@zeeweddingbee: if you having a loving, intimate relationship the feeling of just being used won’t be there, trust me. Don’t worry about this. Sometimes – after years and years – your common desire for sex will come and go, sometimes I’ll take one for the team, but it just takes a couple of minutes and I’m all game haha – If I know I won’t get to that point we just don’t do it. This is something you’ll be talking about as well, not something you’ll be alone in thinking about. It’s really like learning to ride a bike, once you know you won’t forget. 😀 You have lots of good times ahead most likely!
I’d honestly just try to make it as low key as possible the first time. Make sure you’re both relaxed and in a good mood. Have a romantic dinner together, do something you like that makes you both feel connected and relaxed. If having a glass of wine makes you feel less nervous and still together then have one but don’t get tipsy. Know in advance that those few first times may be disappointing – this has nothing to do with your relationship. Nobody ever has the best sex ever on their first time! It gets much better super fast! The key is really to be comfortable with communicating about sex (practice, practice, practice), be comfortable with each other and yourselves naked (if you’re not already at this stage, I’d suggest you build that comfort level first) and be relaxed and go with the flow.
By the way I’ve had several conversations with girlfriends about this, (lost my virginity when I was 16 and am 26 now) and almost ALL of us were terrified the first time we saw an erect penis! Haha. So don’t save this experience for your first time IMO hehe. Good luck 😀
Post # 4
@zeeweddingbee: Congrats for waiting! May I recommend the site http://themarriagebed.com . It is written especially for Christians waiting for marriage, but the parts on Sexuality and Biology would be useful to anyone.
To avoid (or at least minimise) pain, try to spend as much time as possible on kissing and touching beforehand (“foreplay”). Also have lube handy (KY Jelly or similar). It helps his penis slide in (sorry to be so graphic).
If you haven’t already (unless you feel it is against your religion), touch yourself “down there” before your wedding day. so you know what arouses you. I am Christian and I do not believe it was wrong for me to do that. If you know where you like being touched, it will help you get in the mood. Being relaxed helps too – don’t have expectations of first time sex being wonderful, you have your whole married life to learn.
As for your last question – you probably won’t need to stay in the mood long after you climax. He will probably climax very quickly (perhaps too quickly).
Post # 5
Oh one more thing I should have said: you may not climax (orgasm) at all. I don’t have direct experience of this – I was fortunate to orgasm on the very first night. (But then, I had so much pain he couldn’t go all the way in, so it wasn’t all perfect!) But it’s common not to. It’s part of what both I and the other poster have said: first time sex isn’t great, but it improves a lot over the first few weeks.
EDIT: I should clarify, by “so much pain” I mean I stopped him before it hurt too much, if that makes sense. So it was minutes, not days or weeks! I have heard of people being sore the next day, but that’s not my experience.
Post # 6
@zeeweddingbee: My FI and I are each others firsts. I agree with everything that Paula1248 said. Foreplay is extremely important. It’ll help you relax. My first time did not hurt. It felt really good because I was relaxed. I didn’t orgasm and for whatever reason neither did my FI. He just stopped when he was tired lol.
Post # 7
Pain for weeks after? What?
Use some lube. Seriously. Lots of foreplay. There’s no reason why it should hurt a lot. I think for me it hurt a little bit… but nothing major at all. I can’t even really remember now lol.
It’s possible you broke your hymen already.. like riding a bike as a kid, even.
Post # 8
@zeeweddingbee: Honestly, your first time will probably be over pretty quickly. As for the pain, it’s not an excruciating pain – more like a discomfort. If you’re anticipating a great deal of pain, you will naturally tense up and it will be more uncomfortable than it should be. As for staying in the mood after climax – don’t expect earth shattering orgasms – especially if you are both virgins and if you’ve never had one before. I did not have an orgasm for about 4 years after I started having sex – and it wasn’t through having sex. Female orgasms usually take a great deal of work – it generally doesn’t ‘just happen’ for a lot of women through intercourse alone. If it happens for you, that’s great, I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t expect it! It just places more pressure on you (and him!).
I know my expectations of sex when I was a virgin was:
It should take 15 minutes (I heard this at school!)
The woman will have an orgasm (not always true)
There will be lots of pain and lots of blood (neither was true for me – there was mild discomfort, and no blood – a lot of women don’t have their hymen intact due to tampon use/horse riding etc)
I know it’s scary to give that part of you up to someone, fearing that’s all the relationship/marriage will be about – but that’s not true. You are marrying your FI and the intimate side of things will just add to an already great relationship. Plus you waited for each other which is incredibly sweet and so special. It is something you will figure out together, it’s something that will take practice (practice makes perfect!). Just don’t put pressure on yourselves, relax and enjoy this new part of your lives together.
All the best!
Post # 9
@zeeweddingbee: My first time didnt hurt. Are you a dancer or gymnast or cheerleader? Typically even if it was a few years in the past, it wont hurt or it wont hurt as much. Its weird. You should know what gets you in the mood by now since he is your FI. Just make sure you are doing what gets you in the mood before he penetrates you. It will not feel like he is just using you. Not when you love him and are in the mood. Plus you probably wont climax your first time. Your mind will be on several things, not just trying to climax. When you start getting comfortable you will climax IF your body can do that. If you dont, its ok. Most women cant climax during sex. Ive only done it twice.
Post # 10
@zeeweddingbee: my first time, I had to stop him and tell him to slow down – it wasn’t his first. make sure you’re good and ready – like you can’t wait anymore, if he’s not in there right now you think you might die. It will probably hurt, but it doesn’t hurt very long.
Post # 11
I do think its beatufil in a way to wait. To be able to say that I’ve only ever been with my husband! 🙂 So yay! Although I din’t wait for marrige, I want to say that it didn’t hurt AT ALL for me!! My boyfriend at the time (I was 16) was wonderfulol and everything, but I din’t tell him he was my first until right after we were “finished”, and he was kind of chocked… It actually felt EXACTLY like I had imagined it would … wierdly enough. I know that I am a bit “overexited” when it comes to sex though… I have never met anyone, male or female (I’m bisexual), who comes close to maching me, so I’ve never had to say no… But thats me being wierd!!! I can say however, that it is NOT insulting or hurtful in any way to be turned down 🙂 not if you have brains enough to feel some empethy for your loved one 😉
My best advice is to afree before it all starts, preferably a few days in advance, to say how you feel eg once every minute, during the whole thing. Evene if everythink feel great, that way nobody has to feel like they need to ask all the time “is this ok?”. And make sure you both PROMISE to talk and to tell the truth.
Good luck!!! 🙂
Post # 12
DH and I didn’t wait until marriage, but we were each other’s first, so I can understand the nervousness.
First, don’t expect it to be perfect and don’t be disappointed if you don’t enjoy it. It will get better over time.
Secondly, the pain shouldn’t last for more than a few minutes, if at all, – not weeks or even a day! You might be a little tender afterwards at most.
Thirdly, don’t assume his sex drive is higher than yours simply because he’s a guy. Women can have high sex drives, too, so you may find that you will need to intiate, instead of turning him down or that he may turn you down. It’s okay – healthly marriages don’t depend on having sex every night!
Post # 13
@misstwinkle: Loolll I appreciate you sharing that cause I totally feel that way right now. Mentally prepping to finally see his lol
@paula1248: I’ve read and heard that the lube makes it easier. Did you like KY or do you prefer a different brand?
@MrsSweetT: I’m definitely hoping my first time is like that! It’s definitely easy to be relaxed and into it with him but like everyone said, I think going slow is key! Otherwise I would just freak out if we jumped all of a sudden from foreplay to penetration.
@canarydiamond: I hope I did! I said a few weeks because that’s been the experience of some of my friends. One of my friends told me that it took her like 2-3 months for it to become comfortable. I doubt it will take that long for me but that definitely freaked me out a bit.
@Deejayelle: Is it harder to orgasm with penetration as opposed to other things? I’ve always been able to reach orgasm pretty easily and quickly through masturbation or even just talking about sex. That’s why I get nervouse cause after orgasm, that part of my brain shuts off pretty quickly and I’m not quite in the mood anymore. Sorry TMI lol
@jesssamesssa: I have danced a lot, not really on teams and stuff though. So definitely hoping my hymen already broke!
@MsGinkgo: That should be easy 😉 I have definitely already felt that whenever I get in the mood.
@HopefulCatlover: Lol I’m like you in that I get “excited” pretty easy. But since nothing has ever actually been in there, that’s what makes me nervous. Thanks for the tips though, I’m sure we will be talking throughout the whole thing.
@LadyBear: Thanks for the tips! I really hope it doesn’t hurt long. I read another thread and many said the pain was gone in a few days which makes me more hopeful. For my friends it was painful/uncomfy for weeks and even months for some!
Post # 14
I just want to know what the heck your friends were doing that it hurt them for weeks/months. That is not even close to normal. What in the world…
Post # 15
@zeeweddingbee: Ok 1) Why do you think his sex drive is higher when neither of you has tried it?
2) It definitly will NOT hurt for “weeks after.” I don’t know where you’re getting this info, but it may be slighty painful for all of 20 seconds.
3) You are NOT a hole to be used. If you don’t feel like having sex, DON’T. If you want to have more sex, think sexual thoughts and initiate with your new hubby.
Post # 16
Just to echo the lube suggestion – I personally have a sensitivity to an ingredient in a lot of lubricants (it’s called Glycerin), and it causes a burning stinging feeling. If you feel that sensation, try a different lubricant without glycerin 🙂
Also, you do not exist to solely to please your husband (I hope he doesn’t make you feel that way) – you have a choice in whether or not you want to have sex. If your sex drives are mismatched to the point where you think it might be a problem in the future, talk about it now BEFORE you get married.