So, my fiance (omg LOVE calling him that!) and I just returned from a week-long vacay. He proposed on the last day just as we were departing from each other--we're long distance.
**backstory** I'm 27 and an only child. My mother generally has trouble viewing me as an adult (though I've been living on my own for 10 years, have multiple degrees and work a very high level professional job), so she cannot even fathom that her baby is ready to be dating/married. For that reason, she has not been supportive of any of my past relationships. I eventually stopped including/informing her. For the past 5 years, she has not known a thing about my love life. Well, the moment I met my fiance, I told my mother because I knew it would eventually get serious. Even though her comments about our relationship have been a bit rude (nothing substantial, just little passive aggressive digs mostly at me), I continued to include her and talk to her. My fiance even calls and checks on them from time to time even though they're not terribly nice to him. **/backstory**
Yesterday, my mom picked me up from the airport and almost immediately she asked "so how did it feel being with a man in such a concentrated situation?" (ummm, I've been on vacation with SOs in the past, and I even LIVED with one ex before). Though I took offense to the question, I just said "fine." She followed up with "so are you going to continue this relationship?" Again, wtf? But I kept cool. I told her excitedly that WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!! Her response?
"oh. you are? ok. Well, I let in the cleaning lady, like you asked."
I'm not sure what I was expecting, but dang. Really? I asked her to drive me to her house so I could tell my Dad. When I told him, he replied "oh?" and continued getting dressed.
I guess the point of this post is that I have zero idea what to make of this reaction. We haven't always had the best relationship, so I wasn't expecting the Cosby Show parental reactions that I see other bees write about. But I would have been overjoyed if either of them could have mustered a smile. A "congratulations" and I would've been over the moon. I realize the information is new (to all of us). I'm not sure what I could have done differently or what I can do to improve the situation going forward. Ugh. Thanks for "listening."
Don't let your parents damper your happiness. You can't control how other people react, you can only control how much you let it effect you. Don't dwell on it, and enjoy your engagement.
My mother by the way was completely against my engagement(it's a long story), I told my dad first, and I called later to tell her, her response "thats nice I guess." I just learned to let the bullshit go, it's was hard because we were actually close and had a bumpy relationship since I entered by 20s because she has not approved or agreed with my choices. I lower my expectations for her during the planning process, which made it easier. By the way she did eventually come around, and maybe your parents will too.
Ugh. That's crappy. But as PP said, you can't control how they react. My mom was very neutral when we got engaged. She loves FI, just didn't act excited. She came around eventually. Even though I've lived away from home for forever, am independent, self-sufficient, employed, etc I think your daughter getting married is the last sign that she's no longer your baby. You go from being their child to someone else's wife. Even if you haven't been their chold for years, giving away the bride is just a tradition now, etc, I think for parents something changes. Anyway, my mom worked it out eventually and is now having a lot of fun with planning. I hope your mom comes around too. But if not, you know you're doing the best thing for your life. So congrats and YAY for you!
Wow, that's really rude of them. I sorry your parents reacted that way. I can't imagine a parent being so cold to their only daughter at such an exciting time, especially since you have your life all together and established. Not intending to knock younger brides but it's not like youre 18/19, just graduated high school and live at home with little to no life experience.
I don't really have any advice for you other then maybe confront them and have a serious chat about yours and their concerns.
A HUGE congrats to you guys! Would love to see pics of your new ring ;)
Thanks for the replies, ladies. I guess I just needed to vent and hear someone else reassure me that I'm not crazy for finding their reactions weird. Oh, and he proposed with earrings (I'll tell that story in another thread)!! I'll post them when I take a pic!
Thats rubbish! Fi and i have been engaged for almost a year and hid dad still isnt supportive so i understand a little. As the other girls said, ignore it and be happy....YAY YOURE GETTING HITCHED!! congratulations :-)
@Overjoyed: Sorry your parents were Debby Downers about your announcement! Don't let them ruin your excitement though! CONGRATS!!!!
If it were me, I would tell them how rude they are and let them know that they are doing a very good job pushing you away.
When we told my dad, he was so excited he dropped the phone. Not everyone is going to be like that, but you deserve at least a CONGRATS!
@Overjoyed: ok.. first HUGS. I know where you're coming from.. sort of. my older sister had a similar reaction to my engagement. My sister likes to pretend shes my mother (my mom passed when I was a kid and my dad isn't in our lives). I knew me and my FH were getting engaged soon and when I told her and asked her if she was happy for me she said verbatim: "well i guess i have to be" uh. bitch. My FH had a talk with her when he was planning the proposal and she realized she was being a bitch and we hashed things out but honestly I've just wiped my hands clean of it and said whatever.
I know is so difficult when the people closest to you cant be happy for you but I hope that you have friends in your life that can get excited for you. My only saving grace was my BFF that was THRILLED and super giddy for me.
I've just lowered the expectations from her, I'll no longer expect her to get excited and want to help me plan. It sucks, but sometimes that just not the role people are supposed to fill for you.
When my sis and I hashed things out she said something that rang pretty true: Not everyone is going to "fill the box you have set out for them in your head" -- you have to let others fill that part, even if it isn't the idea you had in your mind.
I forgot to add that after my mom mentioned the cleaning lady, she went on to say that she hopes I have a fulfilling marriage. I thought we were getting somewhere as that closely resembled a well-wish, right? Wrong. She continued: some people get married and its impossible to feel joy for them because you know they've made a huge mistake. Then, she proceeded to name people we know who have had (what she perceives to be) unhappy marriages. I was totally done at that point. I mean, what else was there to say?
Update: I had a talk with them and I finally got a reaction. Worst reaction imaginable, though. I should've settled for the silence. They have a laundry list of reasons why they don't approve of my relationship and of my getting married (which they have never mentioned before...but now that I'm engaged, I guess they figured it's the right time, smh). I told my fiance that we're officially in this alone. So glad we have each other!
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