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I'm a little confused with your post. Are his parents bothered that you are having a catholic ceremony or is it the priest who is bothered?
I personally dont have respect for parents that threaten not to attend their own kids ceremony, I they cant use threats like that to control you. I would just say "fine dont come then" and I'm sure they would still come anyway
@bells -- No, the priest is a-ok with it. It's my fiance's parents who are not okay with us having a Catholic ceremony. They say that, since we're not practicing Catholics, getting married in a Catholic ceremony would be making a mockery of their religion.
@likelimeade: Seriously, just do what makes YOU GUYS happy. Do what you want to do! It's your wedding, not theirs! They've had their day! This day is all about YOU GUYS. If they're so petty and childish that they won't attend, then that's their issue, and I'm sure they'll feel nothing but guilty and selfish later.
But yeah...do what you guys want to do regardless of anyone else, don't let other people make decisions about YOUR wedding.
I hope they come to their senses, love! <3
I wouldn't have much sympathy for them. After all, if they want you to start practicing, wouldn't this be a good way? Decide if you will stick by your decision or cave to this particular demand. If you decide to stick to your guns then just say, "this decision is between us, our priest and God." I am fairly confident that they will not skip your wedding, but I do not know your parents, I'm just saying that based off the feeling that I can't imagine anyone skipping for that reason. Maybe talk to *their* priest, to see if he can intervene?
I am so so sorry you both have to deal with this. As difficult as it is to deal with these ultimatums, it is important for you both to have the ceremony your way- in the way that is most meaningful.
Also, how wonderful it is that you stick together as a couple in the face of all this stress and combat between families! Very good sign- shows how strong your commitment is. :)
Obviously you won't make either of them happy so do what makes you happy, stick with your FI and stand your ground and tell them if they can't grow up and act like mature loving supportive parents then you don't want them there anyways :)
So they are literally acting holier-than-thou! Sorry, I think that is ridiculous. It's the Church that decides whether you are able to receive the sacrament of matrimony, not your future parents-in-law.
I say, call their bluff and do what the two of you want to do. I really think that when puch comes to shove they will not miss out on their own son's wedding. However, you both have to be prepared for that possibility.
Maybe you can have the priest talk to his parents to explain why he was allowing it (you'd think they would listen to a priest, but who knows)
See if you can have the marriage cerimony but not a mass? I'm so sorry. Perhaps try having a family conference with the priest interceeding?
Could you have the ceremony without the mass? I could understand the FIL's being upset if you guys were having mass, and you're not practicing - it does kind of make a mockery of their beliefs, but I don't see a problem (especially if your priest is onboard with the idea!) with the ceremony alone.
You were both baptized as Catholics, correct?? Therefore, even though you aren't practicing (which you will have to go to mass more often, I'm sure prior to the wedding) it would only make sense that that's how you're married??
My FI and I have already gotten threats too and at this point we just say it would be their loss. Imagine how embarrassed they would be to have to tell people why they didn't show up to their own child's wedding.
Do what makes you two happy. :)
If you cave to either side's request, just remember that that will set a precedent for the rest of your marriage.
Do whatever it is you both want to do and then repeat this: Mom, Dad, I am so sorry that you have chosen not to come to my wedding, I hope you change your minds, if not know that you will be missed and then change the subject. If you are paying for the wedding yourself, it is your decision. If they actually realize that you are putting your foot down they may all change their tune
Wow! It's your day, why can't it just be your day!!! I'm sorry to hear this! I hope everything get's better!!!
I am getting similar grief from family regarding not wanting to invite a close family member and her children. Just stand your ground, do what you want to do and if they say "well I'm not going because of etc." then you say "I will be sad if you do not attend but that is your decision. Our decision has been made and we will not respond to emotional blackmail." I've said that probably about 20 times in the last week.
I don't think a Catholic priest can even marry anyone outside of The Church. Have you ran all of this by him? The whole feud might be a moot point.
@CallmeC: They are Catholics, they just don't attend church. Also, I thought priests can marry people of different faiths, so long as they promise to raise the kids Catholic.
@bells: I personally dont have respect for parents that threaten not to attend their own kids ceremony, I they cant use threats like that to control you. I would just say "fine dont come then" and I'm sure they would still come anyway
Agreed. Parents like to do what they can to maintain control and stomp their feet, wave their arms and throw tantrums however in the end they usually concede and will be there regardless.
My MOH had similar issues with her dad and I continued to remind her that it was just his way of trying to maintain control. In the end he realized it wasn't up to him and went along with her decisions.
Best of luck to you and stick to what YOU want.
I agree with a previous poster that suggested just the ceremony,not a full mas That seems like a compromise for everyone. In the end do what makes you and your FI happy. the two of you are joining to create your own family and that is all that is important.
My parents are easter/christmas catholics too. I consider myself non-practicing due to persona l reasons but a believer in christ, however it was still important to me to have a wedding in a church so we chose to have a catholic wedding, because though I am not currently practicing completley (because i live with my FI, so I don't take communion) I would like to return to church one day, but more importantly I want to raise my children Catholic. I think my Catholic upbringing helped me though some tough times as a kid/young adult. Having a faith and God to turn to, no matter what religion or level of practice is invaluable to me and I beleive will be so to my children.
I do plan on going to confession prior to the wedding mass as I do strictly adher to the idea that I shouldn't be taking communion as things are right now. Maybe if you agree to do this and then raise your children Catholic, maybe your in-laws will be more accepting.
Either way, I don't think you should change your plans. You obviously have respect and some beleif in Catholisism. If it is just the ambiance and priest that make you want to get married, then maybe you should rethink things. Think about why you want this, go a little deeper....maybe they will understand your deeper feelings.
I would ask the priest if he can have a more secular or non-catholic type ceremony. See what options he can give you. Then tell your parents what you are doing and see if they want to attend or not. They can be grownups and put their differecnes aside, or they can be petty and sulkily protest the wedding. Up to them really.
I think you should make careful decisions together about how you and FI want to be married ... and let the chips fall where they may. I had family members threaten to not attend (for other reasons) and they ended up showing up and putting on a smiley face.
I think it's so wrong to threaten something like this and it causes such grief for you... but, I think you should both stand your ground AND stop telling either side details about the ceremony.
I agree with kay01 this woul be the best way to get you practicing again and perhaps the priest you've chosen can help you speak to his family.
I think its disgusting if their church would encourage this of his parents. It may be Catholic but it doesn't sound Christian.
My mother has threatened and stated she wouldn't come. After weeks of emails back and forth with me bending over backward to excite her, followed by a blow out argument, I am so relieved that while it hurt for a while, she can't ruin my wedding day if she's not there. Think of it this way, if his parents don't show up, and all their friends and relatives do, they will be embarrassed. If they do show up, they may be righteous and judgemental and complaining the entire time.
I feel badly for your groom and you, but worse for his parents - they're now locked in a prison they built. And if they do miss their son's wedding, that special day in their family's history will be gone forever.
I took the post to mean she wanted the priest to marry her outside the church wearing the hat of family friend and not priest. That I know can't be done. If she is saying she wants the priest to marry her in the Catholic church then no big deal.
I agree about not caving because it'll set a precedent.... The parents are probably just stomping their feet about it. Most parents will still come to the wedding (and if they don't, then they obviously don't care as much about their relationship with you as you do)....
My father blatantly said that if we had groomsman X as a groomsman that he wouldn't come at all, let alone walk me down the aisle. (Groomsman X and I dated for 4 years, but we broke up as best friends and he is still best friends with me. He's also now one of my husband's really good friends, and we double date with him and his wife all the time.) My dad thought that was too weird and screamed bloody murder about the idea everytime it was brought up. I finally just said that Groomsman X WAS going to be in the wedding, and I would appreciate his support on my special day. He grumbled about it for months, but finally let it go.... He was the happiest I've seen him in years on my wedding day.
ALL THAT TO SAY, go ahead and put your foot down NOW (nicely). It'll give them time to get mad and just BE mad, then get over it before the big day! :)
ETA: [Also if you wanted to be nice to them/help their feelings, maybe between now and the wedding, you could make a big show about how you're going to Mass with your fiance', etc? If they live close enough, maybe you could go to Mass WITH them? I also had to do this to appease my parents. They are VERY Catholic, and my husband and I are more relaxed about it, so we went to Mass with them a few times. It helped ease their fears about our future relationship with God, etc. (though that is a WHOLE different post/topic... haha)]
ETA #2: I second having the priest meet with/call up your future inlaws.... I'm quite sure he'd encourage them to think about what they are actually saying to you regarding Catholicism--that it's better to walk away from it than to consider becoming more active? Um, no.
People can be very protective of their religion. I can understand his parents saying what they did (they'll probably attend anyways), but why are your parents jumping in taking the complete opposite stance? Essentially making the two of you choose? I'm sorry, but this to me is more unreasonable.
Isn't it true that Catholic priests are bound by certain rules in regards to who they can marry? If your family friend is okay with it, someone further up the thread is right, why not have him speak with his parents?
Good luck!
Thank you all for your kind words and support. Many people suggested just doing a ceremony and not a full mass -- and that is what we had already planned to do. Also, the family friend/priest WOULD be marrying us as a priest. Catholic priests have quite a few rules to abide by, and that is definitely one of them :)
I really appreciate all this support in such an icky time. I wish it were just as easy as putting my foot down and calling their bluff, but doing that seems so harsh. I am very close with my parents (at least, I thought I was before all this happened), and I don't want to hurt our relationship in any permanent way -- ditto for my fiance and his parents.
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My fiance and I were both raised Catholic, but we are not practicing Catholics anymore. My parents are the type of Catholics who attend church twice a year; his parents at at mass every Sunday.
We decided that we want a priest to marry us. He's a long-time friend of my family, and has been there through some really hard deaths and has baptized my siblings and I. He's a Catholic priest, but I think of him more as a family friend. However, my fiance's parents said that if we, two non-practicing Catholics, were to get married in a Catholic ceremony, he will not be attending.
My mom, upon hearing this, said that if we do not have this family friend/Catholic priest marry us, she will not be attending the wedding. This has caused a lot of tension between our two families -- both sets of parents are angry at the other, and there's been a lot of arguing. Luckily, my fiance and I are able to stick together and support eachother, even though our parents aren't being supportive.
Besides being totally shocked and hurt that parents would ever threaten to skip their own child's wedding, I have absolutely no idea what to do. I wish that the priest could marry us in a secular ceremony, but I'm pretty sure that's not legal for them. Does anyone have advice? And suggestions regarding what I should do? I'm really, really lost...