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I think the exact opposite is true. Leave him alone and he will be more likely to propose. Honeslty, guys don't like being bothered. This is the same thing as Mr. Bee's 3 Step Plan.
Eeek yikes...I feel like that is a terrible idea! I don't think that your bf should feel pressured to propose to you...I feel like that would be something a person would regret down the road. I think you are smart to not take her "advice"
The more you leave him alone...the more he will take his time until he is ready and without being pushed he has the time to pick out exactly what he wants and go shopping for the right price! I will say this though...the pressure hasnt actually been coming from me...its actually been coming from everyone around us...3 of his buddies just got engaged or are about to propose (has the ring already) and they have been dating for less time then we have...I am trying hard not to put any pressure on him...is it annoying that I see all these girls with their rings and have to constanly be saying "congratulations!" yes...but I try not to let him see that I am annoyed. Right now its a money thing..he is trying to save up for the perfect ring...so if you give him time...he will get you the best (biggest brightest best cut and setting) that he can possibly find.
msbuttons - I definitely would regret it down the road if I did something like that. I only hope my sister doesn't feel the same way! I want my proposal to happen because it's right for us, and he is ready...not because he wants me to shut up about it! :)
Ms.Teddy - We have also had lots of friends get engaged (and married) before us, even though they have been dating for less time. Sometimes it is hard to constantly say "congratulations" when you're really thinking "OK, when is it OUR turn?!", isn't it? That outside pressure hasn't worked on my guy for the last five years, so I know when he proposes, it'll be the right time. Sounds like you're in the same boat, and that is great! When you get your ring, it'll be because it is right for you and him! :)
Oh, this is why I have shut up. Well, also because for some reason I have become calm again waiting.LOL Weird! I would feel like I MADE him do it, IF he did it. My SO isn't one to be pushed around by me, so that's a GREAT thing.
I guess it could work, but why would you want to do that? I wouldn't want to have to badger someone into marrying me. You both have to be ready. I think I would feel bad about myself if my engagement came about because I hounded him into it.
That said, I got engaged a little sooner than he was planning because we were talking about it a lot, and I was like, "let's get this show on the road. Why wait six months when you could do it now?" So he did, and now we're married. But I definitely wasn't hassling him about it.
I feel like your sister's perspective makes it all about the ring. The ultimate goal here is marriage.
MissBeans, I also think it's unhelpful for you to compare the amount of time you have been together with other couples. I know it is tempting, and I have done it myself, but relationships run on different courses. As every individual person is different, every couple is, too.
I think having a grown up conversation about taking your relationship to the next level is fine. But pestering someone until they give you a ring? Yikes! I'm like you, I'd feel terrible!
@Miss Beans...lets keep our fingers crossed that our patience will pay off soon! haha. I think we are handling the situation in the best way that we can! PS-one of the couples that just got engaged have been dating 7 months...and the guy was talking to Teddy about how he was thinking about breaking up with her...two weeks later they are engaged...WTF? oh well...none of my business I guess...lol
We definitely talked about marriage before he proposed, but I did not pressure him in any way. Sounds like the wrong way to go about getting a ring IMO.
Worst. Idea. Ever. Mr. KM either has the ring, or it's coming by Wednesday, and I'm trying SO hard to not freak out on him every single day!
I've been getting the bothering to bother him, but I don't care to bother him. I figure he will do it when he thinks it's time.
I'm fine with other people bothering him, though. Just don't bother me, because what am I going to do about it? Sure, I could be Ms. 2010 and do it myself, but then I'd get bothered for that too!
It will happen when it happens.
I'm glad so many of you feel the same way I do! Her comments just made me wonder how many people actually did something along the same lines as her. I really don't think a forced proposal sets a good stage for a healthy marriage! Some guys might need a little nudge in the right direction, but no one wants to be pushed into something!
I'm just waiting for my turn...mostly patiently. I'm excited to get a ring from my guy, knowing fully that he wanted to give it to me. But mostly, I'm just excited to marry the man I love! :)
If your only goal is to get engaged, it might eventually work.
But is that how you want your engagement to go down? And is that how you want to start your plans for marriage--by incessantly pestering someone until they decide they want to commit?
I wouldn't be comfortable with the kind of relationship that comes into essentially forcing or pestering someone into marriage.
Instead, I think it's important to keep discussing your ideas about engagement and marriage.
When my fiance and I started talking about marriage, I told him it was important to me to have a formal proposal--that I wanted the chance to formally announce to our family and friends our intentions. I also feel that, since on average, women want to get married sooner than men... if women were the ones making all the proposals, I think there'd be even more unhappy marriages...because if the man isn't ready it isn't going to work. So although my fiance and I talked about marriage for a long time before we got engaged, he knew that the ball was in his court when he was ready (I lucked out of course and am with someone who brought up marriage after our first 2 months together). It took a little over 2 years, but that was mostly for financial reasons. When he asked, I knew it was truly out of his own desire and heart and honestly, there's no better feeling in the world.
It doesn't mean that there weren't a couple times where I got annoying and asked "when, when, when?" but it was always framed in terms of being excited about the idea of getting engaged rather than "you better ask me soon!" I know that he appreciated that.
I agree that you have to not compare yourself to any other couples. I know it's really hard to see other people that have been together less time get engaged, but everyone is on their own timeline. It needs to happen when you are both ready and not after X number of years.
Personally I think your sister is delusional to think that nagging is what made her boyfriend propose. But- if that is true, that would not be the kind of relationship I would want to be in. A man should propose when he decides he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, not to shut you up and get you off his back. Just be patient :).
Men do things on their own time. Asking for a timeframe, "will we be engaged in the next year?" is totally fine, but I think you have the right idea to not pester your man!
Yeah my vote is a def "No" being a girl who has guy friends, pestering & bothering is such a turn off and leaves a bitter taste in their mouths.
ooh gosh! i wouldn't pester too much! i was definitely guilty of hinting (maybe too much...) but i made sure never to cross a line because i wanted him to do it because he loved me and wanted to marry me, not because i was driving him friggin insane!
i agree with you x 10. if a guy is going to propose he's going to do it without being pestered. if he isn't, pestering is only going to annoy him. the only thing i talked to my bf about before he proposed is what kind of stone shapes i liked (when it came up) and I did use the "when" more often than the "if" (i.e. when we have kids some day.... when we get married at some point... etc)
As long as you two are on the same page about getting married eventually I wouldn't bother him. I think I'm the only bee on here who has admitted to giving my BF an ultimatum, but I wouldn't recommend it unless you're really ready to end things if he doesn't propose. I was, and It worked out well for us, but my FI even admitted to the fact that he needed a push and thanks me for it. Most guys don't like it and feel threatened and you do run the risk of an unromantic proposal.
Think of it this way though - you can't 'force' a guy to propose. If he doesn't want to, he won't do it. So if you let him know that you want a proposal or a breakup after you believe it's been a long enough courtship then you're more forcing him to decide than forcing him to propose.
I think it depends entirely on the reason he hasn't proposed yet. If it's because he is not sure he wants to marry her or has serious doubts or something then yes it is a bad idea to bother him.
However, I have zero respect for someone who would do something as serious as marry someone just to 'shut her up'. I mean, who does that?
Often however, the guy is ready for marriage and wants to marry her but has a different timeline for when it's a good time to propose etc. and she may not share that timeline - why should it go on his timeline if it is causing her stress? As long as there is mutual agreement they want to do this I think there's nothing wrong with her bothering him into doing it sooner. After all he's making her miserable why shouldn't she make him miserable right back?
Yes it's going to take away from the romantic proposal - but lots of girls don't care about the romantic proposal. I didn't.
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So, my little sister got engaged to her boyfriend (of less than a year) recently. Lately she's been asking me when I'll get a ring, since I've been dating my guy for a lot longer. I told her I'm pretty sure it's coming soon. She told me (and I quote) "Just bother him until he does it....that's what I did!"
I'm definitely not taking her advice, since I know that my ring is going to be here soon. But, what do you think of her tactic? I would feel like I forced him to propose. I don't know, I guess I just don't see it being as happy of a moment as it should be. Don't get me wrong, we talk about getting married a lot, and sometimes I get anxious. I'm guilty of dropping hints about getting my "sparkly". But, bother him until he does it...no thank you!