(Closed) Bothers me how close FI is to his mom–am I bad for feeling this way?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Dont say anything. I told FI he was way too close with his mom and needed to cut the umbilical cord. He took it as me saying i hated his mother. No i dont hate her, but babying a grown man is not cool. 

But i do think its hard to be the main woman in your sons life and then having to step aside. So i gave her credit and time and eventually she let go of him. So just give it time and things will work out.

Unless he is a mamas boy. Then i dont know what to tell you. 

Post # 4
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If it were me, I’d mention something to your FI, making sure to bring it up in a way that he understands in no way do you not want him to be close with his Mom (or at least that’s the way I’m taking it) but that you do feel like a bit of an outsider around the two of them.  Let him know that you love that he respects her, cares about her and has a good relationship with his Mom but that it feels at times that he acts like a different person when around the two of you together.  Mention the examples you gave.  I’d expect that he might be caught off guard when you bring it up, but it’ll give him something to think about.  Just make sure that you don’t come across as not liking his Mom or having any personal issues with her, the discussion lies solely in that he seems to act differently and keep you as an outsider.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@violet25:  I’m in your fiancé’s place in this situation. I am SUPER close with my mom and I have a hard time with PDA in front of family. I’m not saying that it’s right, I’m just saying that how you just described your fiancé describes me exactly. I don’t sit as close, I don’t kiss him as often or hold his hand as much. And it is not because I am ashamed of him, me or us. It’s just what feels natural for me. That’s how I am around friends, too, when he and I are together with them. To me, it feels like I’m shoving it in someone’s face. I know that when I was younger, I always found it super uncomfortable to be around people who were being affectionate. I felt as though I was intruding, like they’d rather be together just them and that I’m definitely keeping them from being how they want to be as a couple. So when I act like the three of us are just friends hanging out, it makes me feel more relaxed and natural an there’s no (perceived) tension in the air.

However, I don’t exclude him when we’re all together. We laugh, play games, tell stories, etc. I try to stay away from inside jokes with either of them, instead trying to make moments that are about the three of us, not “that one time we hung out with my mom”. I’ve made sure to tell the fiancé that I want him to nudge me or tell me when it feels like I’m being too clique-y with my mom. The last thing I want to do is to hurt or ignore either one of them. 

I think that talking to him about including you a little bit more (in a non-confrontational way, not just accusations but possible solutions) could help. Don’t tell him that he can’t be close to her, but ask him what it is that makes him distant from you when you’re with her. Is it a sense of propriety? Does he just feel awkward? Talk to him about what things his mom likes to talk about or do, so that you can find a way to connect in their conversations. It’ll take time, but I bet it’s totally possible without making it seem that you have a problem with him being close to her. Because, from how I read your post, you don’t have a problem with their closeness, but instead with your lack of closeness to each other when she’s around. 

Post # 6
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

This isn’t his mother’s fault – he chooses how he acts towards you when she’s around.

Does he act the same way in front of other relatives?  Some people don’t like to be demonstrative in front of others.  

Post # 7
Member
895 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I say tell him it’s time to cut the cord and get off the tit. DH and I had similar issues and there were tons of problems because I never felt he backed me up or stood up to his mom on my behalf.  I finally told him he had to cut that shit out because he had a family of his own and we weren’t going to be second to his mom. He has since improved drastically and backs me up and sticks up for me. 

Sit down and tell your FI how you feel, tell him he’s about to start his own family and you come first. He also may not realize what he is doing so it’ll help if you let him know how you feel.

Post # 8
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m superclose with my Dad.  I talk to the man on the phone at least everyday.   My family is so important to me it would kill me if DH told me to get off the teat and grow up.   Next to DH, Dad is my best friend.  He went wedding dress shopping with me.  DH get’s it and that’s part of why he loves me so much.  I’m really tight with his family too. 

I would however not like DH to feel second best around my Dad.  I would appreciate a conversation, not an accusation, about how he felt when we are around my family.  I would probably be defensive at first but I’d think on it, cause I respect and love DH.  I’d make sure the next time we were all together he felt first.

Post # 9
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

IF you have a discussion with him— which is a big if, because it’s hard to tell how extreme his attachment to his mom is just from your post— I would not word it as “it bothers me how close you are to your mom and I feel left out.”  That approach immediately puts you in the role of outsider, and immediately puts your fiance and his mother as a team.  It would be far better to say something like “I’d like your mom to be able to see more signs of how happy we are!  Let’s hold hands more, and not be afraid to give each other a kiss.”  Something like that changes the entire dynamic of the discussion, and wil probably have a better outcome.

Post # 10
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@violet25:  I’ve been in your shoes, I would let it go.  Assuming there are no other mom issues and you feel good about your relationship with FI and that he’s ready to cut strings and has YOUR back – then, I’d just let them have their relationship.

DH and his mom are very close – and affectionate.  I recall one b’day we took her out and she would not leave his side… we are taking hand holding, hugs, her holding on to him on an escalator, etc… I felt like she was setting me up to compete for his affection…. and that’s when I realized – it must be difficult for her to let go of her baby boy and she needs to feel that closeness or just have those moments of affection.  It didn’t change my relationship with DH… granted, I think I had a conversation with him about it and told him it made me feel uncomfortable.  That’s when I realized that I was jealous … and when I was able to let that go (my jealously) I was able to embrace their relationship.  Now, I couldn’t be happier when they are affectionate towards each other… 

Post # 11
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@violet25:  My brother is a momma’s boy. Its always been just the three of us and we are really close. His ex wife hated how close we were and thought that my mother and I were more important than she was. It had nothing to do with my mom and I, we liked her but she felt we came first in his eyes. She was fighting a losing battle our entire family is super close and that’s just something she had to get over. I would not make a stink about it.

Post # 12
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

I’ve learned this the hard way. My FI has some of the same qualities, and sometimes makes me feel left out or less important. I know he doesn’t do it on purpose, but he does things like, if his parents call him, he drops everything. If something funny happens when we’re out together, he immediately dials his dad to tell him.

What I’ve learned is that this is probably just how he is right now. The fact that he is amazing and perfect when you guys are alone is what matters, and part of it may be his being young still (at least my FI is). It will probably change as the years go on and you two develop your life together. My FI still lives at home, which is another thing I think is contributing to this “problem”

We’ve had several fights about it, and it ALWAYS comes off like you hate his parents and you don’t want anything to do with them (NOT TRUE).

My advice would honestly be to not say anything. I know it sucks, but its what I wish I would have done. He means no harm, and it doesn’t sound out of control. My bet is it changes when you get married and move in together

Post # 13
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@violet25:  I think it’s natural for some people to not be too touchy/feeling in front of friends, family, colleagues, etc.  Personally, I don’t like kissing my husband in front of my Dad.  It’s weird, I can’t exactly put my finger on why.  I just don’t.  And when my husband is around “the guys” he’s not as affectionate.  It doesn’t mean we care about each other any less… it’s not about keeping up appearances.  It’s just a matter of our relative comfort levels.

I think as long as you know you are still #1 in your FI’s eyes, you don’t really have anything to worry about.  Don’t allow jealousy or insecurity get in the way of a good relationship with your FI or his parents.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@violet25:  And I’d like to add, I would not recommend saying anything.  But if you want to broach the topic, I don’t think ASKING QUESTIONS would hurt.  Rather than be argumentative or accusatory, make it a discussion – “Honey, I notice when we’re around your Mom, you aren’t as affectionate with me.  Do you mind sharing why?”

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