Boundary Issues with In-Laws

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If I were your FI, I would have all of my transferred to your house pronto. I have this weird thing about people opening my mail. It’s my mail. I don’t want anyone else opneing it. Same thing with the bedroom. It’s my bedroom, with my personal property. No one else needs to clean it.

Having said that, my FMIL is like this. She will go in and clean my FI’s room when we go away or he goes hunting, etc. Except she is trying to find things to yell at him for. The man is 24 years old and she treats him like he is 5.

Post # 5
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@marie_antoinette:  Hmm, weird boundary stuff for us? Not really. But I agree that is pretty weird. I would flip my shit if my mom went rooting around in my bedroom or opened my mail. At least it sounds like they are not trying to over step. I think it will probably die down after he is no longer under their roof.

I said we didn’t really have any issues, but DH’s parents were/are way more involved with him than mine are with me. Certain things definitely changed after he moved out. (His mom stopped buying him cereal and shampoo. Stopped telling him to clean up, stuff like that.)

Post # 6
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@marie_antoinette:  Frankly, I’m shocked that a 29 year old man still lives at home. That is also not really normal in that most adults want and need to strike out on their own long before they’re almost 30! 

While I agree his parents behavior is  intrusive, they still treat him like a child because he allows it and because he kind of still is a child. He was raised this way, so it seems normal to him but then again, most kids reach a point long before 30 where they break away from their parents and insist on being treated like an adult and live like an adult.

Frankly, I think you might have some issues coming your way both with your FIL’s and a man-child who is accustomed to being babied.

Post # 7
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Zhabeego:  +1

At this point, if you want to TRY to help the issue, start having his mail forwarded to your house and have him start taking stuff to your place as well.

It’s weird, but his mom is used to this it sounds. I have a feeling you’re going to be dealing with boundary issues even once he starts living with you. Good luck. I feel your pain.

Post # 8
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

I agree with the previous posters, it’s their home and their boundaries.

Post # 9
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@marie_antoinette:  Normal adult boundaries usually happen when the adult moves out of the home…He still lives there so he has to deal with it. Their house their rules.

All of these issues would go away if he moved out…

Post # 10
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@marie_antoinette:  If I stay at his parents house, I am not allowed to sleep in his room with him (even though he stays with me all of the time and his mom knows that we have had sex) so I’m glad I will never have to go through the embarassment of her having found my underwear in his room.

Post # 11
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@marie_antoinette:  I could see this not being a problem at all once he moves out OR it could transform into other issues. If he’s used to his parents doing things for him (laundry, cleaning/organizing, taking care of stuff like insurance) does he understand that he needs to do all this on his own after moving in with you? Or will he expect you to do it? Does he have the skills to take care of himself but he just lets his parents care for him? Or does he really not know and needs them to do it? Does he know how to do other basic stuff like cooking, shopping, banking, repairs, etc? I don’t mean to be insulting to him in asking this, I can just see that an adult might miss out on learning how to do these things if they are living with parents who happily take care of everything. 

Post # 12
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i’m pretty sure it’s a federal offense to open someone else’s mail.

just saying.

Post # 14
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

My god this is how you treat a 10 year old not a 29 year old… I have no advice, sorry. But I hope that doesn’t continue and you don’t find yourself having some serious issues once he’s moved out and in with you.

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