Boyfriend and church!

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
9207 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

I am a Christian, and don’t go to church, except on an occasional Christmas and/or Easter. FI was born into a Catholic family, was baptised Catholic, but is more agnostic now. I certainly plan to raise our children with some form of religion, I want to have them baptised in the same church I was baptised in, the church that FI and I want to get married in. I also would love to send them to a slightly religious private school, if we can afford to. But FI and I have not discussed it in detail. I don’t think getting married will make much difference.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, maybe set a definite one day every fortnight or month to go to church, to nurture your religion and that of your future children. But it is ok to be a Christian and not go to church.

Post # 4
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Kacey23:  I do not attend church, nor am I religious. However my FI is religious and occasionally attends church functions (though he also does not attend church). I just want to say…going or not going to church does not make a person more or less Christian. I was raised going to church, but my Dad never went with us (except on Easter and Christmas). You can’t make him go, nor should you try to. If this is something that is extremely important to you the best thing you can do is talk to him about how you feel. Then either accept his answer or move on.

Post # 5
9207 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@jadlnc:  I agree. OP please don’t try to force your boyfriend into going. If this is a dealbreaker for you, maybe it would be best to end the relationship now.

Post # 6
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Just because he doesn’t go to Church makes him any less of a Christian. If this bothers you so much, maybe you guys should just move on from each other.

hes allowed not to go to church but still believe in something

Post # 7
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Going to church does not necessarily make someone a good Christian. Likewise, not going to church should be no evidence of someone being a bad Christian. Faith is all about what’s in the heart. Not the church pews.

Admittedly I am not a Christian but I know several people whose Christianity is rock solid but who prefer to practice it quietly and not as part of a church collective. My grandmother was one and she was the daughter of a Baptist minister!

Post # 9
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Kacey23:  I understand where you are coming from. I agree that going to church/not going to church doesn’t make someone more or less of a Christian. BUT I believe that as Christians we are called to be in fellowship with other believers and I believe that going to church consistently and being involved is part of that. The husband is also supposed to be the spiritual leader and love his wife as Christ loves the Church. This can be hard for a man who has never filled this role before. My FI struggles with this because I was raised in a very strong Christian home and his family only went to church on Christmas and Easter. He is more of a new believer. The best thing you can do is be encouraging and be an example for him. I would suggest visiting different churches and seeing what both you and your FI like and are comfortable with. Another good thing would be to join a small group. We are in PMC right now but will be joining one after we are done. I have gone through all of this with my FI before—I know how you feel! Pray for him daily and pray that the Lord would capture his heart and give him a renewed love for Christ. Stay strong! A Godly marriage is SO worth it!!


ETA: I tried to have spiritual conversations with FI once or twice a week to get his mind thinking. I never forced him to go to church. One day he said “I want to get my life right with the Lord and I want to be a godly husband. Let’s become members of the church. I also want to stop having sex because we aren’t glorifying God if we do it before we are married.” YES. YES. YES. The Lord was working in him and was using me as a vessel. 

Post # 10
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Kacey23:  We are both Christians (he was Catholic and converted to Lutheran because we liked the church and church community better at the Luthern church than the Catholic church).

We didn’t go at all during dating. Engagement we did. We become members, and then once we got married we would attempted to make every Sunday. However, it become very difficult to get to church most Sundays, especially during the summer. There always seems to be something going on, especially now that I am pregnant.

We go when we can, but we are also believers that you don’t need to go to church to be a good, practicing Christian.

If you want to be in an active leadership role with the church, you can do that with your without your BF, and he should have no bearing on how often you are going now, although I undserstand you want to go as a couple. If it is not a deal breaker, then you just have to explain your reasonings for wanting to go to church and ask that he be a part of that. If he doesn’t, then you need to do what is best for you to create an active leadership role in the church without him.

Post # 11
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@Kacey23:  How often or not you go to church does not define you (or him) as a Christian. That is personal. Going to church is a good thing, but not a requirement. Though if you let him know it’s very important to you he might make more of an effort to attend WITH you.

I have never believed marriage will change ANYTHING about ANYONE. Simply getting married will not get him to go to church more.

Post # 12
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would say you cannot force your boyfriend to go to church, like you can’t force anyone to go. All you can do is keep asking every now and then if he would like to come along. What I would say is that if going to church and having that aspect of fellowship is important to you then keep going.

Post # 13
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Key thing to remember here…

Going to church does not automatically make someone a good Christian, and vice versa

Whats more important here in my mind is what kind of person he is EVERY DAY of the week.  Does he live a Christian life… does he live by the Golden Rule… etc.

When I met my First Husband, I went to church some… he less (a Christmas Catholic so to speak) we didn’t go to church much as a couple until the kids came, then we went a lot more, and once they were in Sunday School, we went back to EVERY Sunday until our Seperation / Divorce some 15+ years later

So ya, he got more “onboard” once we had kids, as he believed it was a worthwhile value to instill in our children (a Christian upbringing)

Personally, I wouldn’t fret too much if he is a man who lives his life in a Christian way.

Mr TTR he is more spiritual than Church based, as he’s been too disolutioned over time with brick & mortar congregations… and organized religion in general.  So he doesn’t attend church.  But he is respectful if it is something that others want to do… so he would never object to my doing so (and I have done that on occasion, gone by myself… I do it for me, it really isn’t about him, my relationship with God)

Mr TTR has no qualms about others beliefs… in so much as he will respectfully attend if we are invited (or need to attend) something in a Church… such as a Wedding, Funeral, Social Occasion etc.

He is by far the best man I’ve ever met… he lives his life as a Christian and that to me is far more important than someone who claims to be a Christian but lives their life otherwise (

Hope this helps,

PS… If you find you cannot reconcile your beliefs against those of your Hubby2B then I suggest that yes, maybe you do need to reevaluate your relationship / future.  Or go for some couples counselling (pre-marital) to talk / work it thru.


Post # 14
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My DH goes to church every Sunday and I never go. It is not a big deal for us, but if its a big deal for you then you should definitely address it with him now because it may not be likely to change.


Post # 15
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Greenbrier Country Club

i find that being involved in church keeps you going.
Maybe you can volunteer to do something at church?
As far as your boyfriend goes, maybe you both can volunteer to do something together, but you can’t force him to go to church. if you desire to be with someone who goes, then you have a tough decision to make. 
While going to church is not necessary for salvation, I think it is super important to maintain christian fellowship which helps grow and encourage your relationship with God.
If it’s difficult to get up on Sunday, you can try a home group/bible study/life group that meets at a different more convenient time and go from there.

Post # 16
209 posts
Helper bee

@futuremrskirkman:  +1 (Would you mind pm-ing me what sort of questions you ask? I feel like I’m in that situation.


OP: Personally I see going to church as an opportunity to get to know God better and to learn more about Him. Fellowship with other christians is an important part to spiritual growth.

Marriage for me, doesn’t make a difference (have you heard of the saying ‘If they don’t change before marriage, a ring isn’t going to change anything’?. However, I have seen ‘praying wives’ that have eventually brought their husbands to church. 

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