Post # 1
Hey ladies! I am a first time poster because I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we just moved in together July 1st!
Background on my boyfriend: He’s 24. he is the most awesome, dedicated, encouraging, motivated, loving guy. I LOVE him with all my heart
When I was getting to know him when we first dated we asked eachother questions like “how many people have you been with?” “How many serious relationships and for how long?” and dumb things like “how old were you when you lost your virginity?”.
2 years ago, he originally told me he slept with 9 people and lost his virginity at 16. I’ve slept with 4. I was honest, he wasnt. Then a couple months later it came out that he really only slept with 4. Then a few more months later it came out that he only slept with one other girl and me. He tells me that he was embarrassed that I had been with more people than him and he says that he didnt want me to feel like he was inexperienced. So i get where he is coming from- but I think it is so stupid! I am happy that he has been with less girls and wish he would have been honest in the first place.
LAST NIGHT- we were going to bed and somehow got on the topic of how he lost his virginity at age 16 and I was like “were you really 16?” because for some reason I didn’t believe that because he is such a good southern gentleman. He told me it was true and I said “do you swear on your moms life?” he said yes then I said “even swear on my life?” and he said yes. But I could sense something weird so I was like “are you lying to me?” and he got all cute and tried to play it off like it wasnt a big deal and then he told me he was really 18. Then he was mad and said sorry for lying but he hates how I have experienced all this stuff before him and it makes him feel like he doesnt have enough experience. Then I was like well what else do you lie about? and he says nothing. Then I had a feeling from a past conversation about his most serious relationship so I asked if he really dated his high school girlfriend for 4 years. And he said no, just 1 year. I dated a guy before him for almost 5 years and so I think he was trying to compete with that to make us seem more even.
NOT THAT IT’S A COMPETITION. I could care less that he has been with less girls than he originally said. I am actually happy about it. I don’t know what his deal is thinking he needs to lie and pretend hes had more experiences than he has.
I know this is long, but I just need help figuring this out. It frustrates me so much that he lied right to my face about this without a problem. I’ve told him all of this and he apologized a million times and says he understands how important it is to be honest.
I know you are going to think I’m crazy for the next part- but I don’t think he lies about anything else ever. I have no suspicions. He comes to me every night and we spend a ton of time together, never had readon to believe he was talking to other girls, he doesn’t even have a facebook. So this lying thing is not stemming anywhere else.
UGH what should I do? I think I am overreacting about it, but it just bothers me.
Post # 3
“So this lying thing is not stemming anywhere else”
Unless you can somehow prove this and be with him every second of every day, and witness everything that he says to everyone else…you have no way of knowing if this is a one time issue or if he’s a compulsive liar.
Some people lie alot to make themselves feel better or to make themselves seem smarter/more eloquent/more experienced than they are. Your BF could be one. Does that mean he’s a liar in a malicious way? Certainly not.
The problem is, you don’t know.
I’d just keep an eye on it. Press him on other subjects to see if he’s been dishonest about anything else, as it only seems he comes clean when you put the pressure on.
Post # 4
@katydaisy: personally i would tell him (if i were you, not that you have to or anything) that he really needs to understand that you can’t be with somebody who lies to you. Surprises are obviously an exception, BUT is there ANYTHING else he’s lied about. Give him a one time free pass to not get really mad at him, but if you find out he’s lied again later then it’s over. and the lying stops now.
From what you’ve said he just sounds like a normal, nice guy who lied because he was insecure (and in a weird boy way) wanted to impress you.
Hope this helps!
Post # 5
I think he just wanted to impress you and not be a wimp. Does that make him a lying piece of scum? No. His lies weren’t hurtful, and as long as he promises not to lie again even to make himself look better I think the relationship can continue like it has been. I would really watch it closely though.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Many people fib about other relationships and conquests because they are embarassed due to sluttiness or inexperience. I would be a little more inquisitive about other things but other than that unless I had evidence he was lying about other more important things I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Post # 7
You say these are things that you discussed 2 years ago and you have been dating for 2 years, hence right at the start of teh relationship.
I think you should take it at face value that he was embarased and woried about seeming inexperienced to you. I don’t think there is more to worry about.
An ex of mine told me about the girl he lost his virginity to and made her out to be this crazy sexy lady (it was a sweet story because he wasn’t at all and completely oblivious to her coming onto him). We stayed friends after we broke up and about 5 years later admitted he’s made it all up and actually I was the first person he’d slept with (at 23). I felt really bad that he didn’t tell me at the time as I would have expected less previous knowledge in bed, but I know he just did it because he was worried about admitting he was a virgin and then when the lie was out there it was hard to recitify as he would have had to admit he lied.
The point is, trying to sound more experienced at the start of a relationship and then not bringing up the lie to rectify it does not mean there is anything more to worry about.
Post # 8
I agree with PP’s, a lot of guys lie about their sexual pasts, to embellish, for whatever egotistical reasons they have, lol. I don’t really think it’s anything to worry about. He probably just wanted to come across as suave, experienced and interesting to you. Men are so insecure about that kind of thing. He probably won’t lie about anything else, but trust your gut on that one.
Post # 9
@katydaisy: I don’t really see this as being a huge deal, but maybe that’s just me. You’re asking him VERY personal questions that he is clearly uncomfortable answering. I get it that you’re curious but I thinks some things in the past are better left in the past, ESPECIALLY “numbers” – it seems to be a common problem on the Bee. I don’t know DH’s “number” and I don’t care to… but again, maybe that’s just me…
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Those lies are so inconsequential. He was obviously just trying to impress you with his sexual “prowess.” You said yourself that you don’t think he lies to you about other stuff. I would just drop the whole topic, the past is the past.
Post # 11
I don’t think this is a big deal at all. FH did the same thing when we started dating. He was a virgin, and so was I, but somehow he got the idea from his guy friends/a mutual friend that I was some crazy, party girl (well…guilty I guess) that had a lot of experience (not guilty). So he felt really insecure that he was a virgin and lied about it. He did admit the truth to me much earlier than 2 years (probably <6 months and man was I happy because we shared the same values about sex) but your boyfriend probably just felt stuck in his lie and was afraid you would be upset. As long as he agrees to always be honest and understands how important honesty is, I would let this go.
Post # 12
My bf did the same thing when we started dating. He said he had been with 2 girls beire me. He then told me not long after that he was actually a virgin and was insecure because I’d been with another guy before him. I’ve had no other issues with lying, so if I were you I’d just accept that he was insecure. If he starts lying about important things, then I’d worry.
Post # 13
@katydaisy: when I first started dating my now FI . I lied about something .. It was something about school that only my sister was the only person I. The world to know the truth about. He found out I lied and it really hurt his trust. I understood what he was saying but at that Time in my life I didn’t know if we were going to be together forever, so I wasn’t quick to let go of that seHonestly after after that I have been so completely honest with him because I don’t want him to ever doubt me again, I think in a way it made us stronger. and also trust your gut.. You knehe a wasn’t being honest and you wiknow if if it might happen again