- 3 years ago
This is my first original post. A little background about us – My BF and I are both 28, and we’ve been together more than a year. We met eachother when we were 14, and back then he had a big crush on me, but we were always just friends. He moved back to town last year, we went on our first date a couple days later, and we’ve been together ever since.
For the most part, he’s absolutely wonderful. He is so incredibly handsome, he’s funny, he’s smart, motivated, hard working, has a great family, great friends, we enjoy eachother, like doing a lot of the same activities, he gives me plenty of time, and goes out of his way to do nice things. However there’s this other part of him that I do not like… We’ve dealt with the usual relationship growing pains where you learn to communicate better, and I honestly think we’ve been making improvements, but his patience with me has worn thinner and thinner and his reactions have been escalating. I’m afraid that my loving boyfriend and I are in an abusive relationship cycle.
Here’s the issue at the moment: We hung out Wednesday night, had a really nice night. As we were going to sleep, I started to hassle him because he wasn’t cuddling (he gets too hot, but I love to cuddle). In all honesty, I wasn’t thinking to myself that I wanted to start a fight, I just wanted to cuddle – he started telling me to calm down (I was calm?) and this went back and forth a little until he exploded.
He started yelling – cursing – calling me names. I got out of bed calmly and started to pack my bag. I should have left, but instead he said, “I’m not coming after you” and rolled over, which made me pause. Fact is, I just don’t want to be spoken to in an abusive way, and was hoping for an appology. When it was obvious that that wasn’t coming, I put up my white flag and tried to calm the situation. It was too late. He sat up and said, “actually, i think you should leave – I want you to leave – NOW”. Then he yelled at me that we’re done – started swearing and calling me names again – actually drug me off his bed and into the hallway and pushed me around a lot in between. THIS IS CRAZY. Like, how can this be happening? And why didn’t I leave? I stayed because I thought he was just saying it all in anger and was confident he didn’t mean it. I have no idea what to believe. He used to talk about marriage all of the time, like, a lot. He would tell me that he wanted to buy me a shiny ring, and he knew how he was going to propose, and that he told his friends I’m the one… That night, I asked if he still wanted to marry me and his response was, “uhhh right now, no.” I asked if he felt he was wasting his time and he said, “when you get like this, yes”.
We’ve gotten in arguments in the past where he’s been a little pushy. He’s justified it by saying that if I don’t want him to get physical, then I can’t get physical. I do not hit him, and he does not hit me, but if I grab his arm, he’s pushed me pretty hard to where i stumble back and fall on the ground. The other night though, I did not get physical at all, but he still got pushy. Also, it was like he pulled every single trigger he could think of that hurts me: he told me he doesn’t love me, calling me a dumb b****, a c**t, told me to shut the f*** up, wouldn’t look at me, said the relationship is over, etc. The next morning, I apologized for my complaining, thinking he would apologize, but all he told me is that I need to not do that anymore (complaining about non-important things), and even though I knew there was so much to say, I stopped myself because at that moment it wouldn’t be fruitful. Since then, I sent him a couple normal short texts yesterday – no response – I haven’t contacted him at all since then.
In the past when he’s gotten this mad, he won’t talk to me for a day or two and then either texts he wants to get his stuff, or one time he called and said he was proud of me for not calling him. Every time, he’s told me after the fact that he did not mean anything he said when he was angry, and that he loves me very much, and wants to be with me. I guess I didn’t leave because I just didn’t believe him. Still, I’m sure it doesn’t have to be this way. I’m sure there’s a way to communicate without the emotional toll that the man I love may or may not love me because he got angry.
UGH – I know I sound really stupid for being involved this, even as I type it, it sounds so so dumb – but I love him a lot, and I know he loves me. I’m hoping for constructive advice. It’s easy to say leave (or let him go), but I’m sure there must be a way to communicate better and improve. I really like my relationship, but want to eliminate all types of abuse.