Boyfriend get's angry, and it's escalating

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Robyn23:  Yes, you are stuck in an abusive relationship cycle. Yes, you need to leave for your OWN safety. No one who “loves” you should call you any of those things or treat you the way he is treating you. Please strongly considering leaving. He isn’t going to change.

Post # 4
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Love is not enough to sustain a relationship. Patience and the ability to fight fairly are absolutely essential in a relationship; those elements are missing in your relationship right now. If you are both willing to work on it, through relationship counseling, individual counseling, and anger management classes, you can work through this. But until you both start doing all 3 of these things, you need to be sure that you only have contact with him in public places where he will (probably) not turn violent and harm you. You are playing with fire. Make sure you protect yourself from getting burned.  

Edit: He’s probably not going to go to therapy with you, on his own, or in an anger management class setting. Prepare yourself for the fact that he probably sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. Prepare yourself to walk away (including changing the locks at your house if he has a key). You deserve someone who can be a healthy, safe partner to you. Chances are good that he is not willing to better himself to become the guy you deserve.

 

Post # 6
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is only going to get worse…trust me. Been there done that. Get your Sh** and go!!! Be glad that you caught it before you got married. I also suggest getting some counseling because abuse of any kind is very traumatic. He dragged you off of the bed and pushed you down the hall and he’s pushed you hard enough to make you fall down and he’s cursing you out?!?! Oh hellz no!! Run as fast as you can.

Post # 7
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He obviously has a lot of anger issues, and it doesn’t seem like it’s a healthy relationship for you. I know it isn’t the advice you want to hear, but you need to leave the relationship. It’s abusive and SCARY. I don’t think I could ever be in a relationship where I am literally in fear of the other person; that just isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It doesn’t sound like he is doing ANYTHING to address the issues, either. He didn’t even apologize! This sounds both emotionally and physically abusive. Good job cutting off contact – keep it that way.

Post # 8
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Time to pack permanately.

Post # 9
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

since  you don’t want to leave, I suggest therapy immediately.

Post # 10
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

Yeesh. I know a lot of bees when there are threads about how a couple argues, or what comes out of SO/FI/DH’s mouth and they jump to the “leave him right now” stance. And *sometimes* I think the situation could possibly improve or there must be more to the story.

Unfortunately – I feel like this is a big red flag. Even if there was a lot more to the “we went back and forth for awhile” before the part where he freaked out calling you names and DRAGGED you from the bed. This isn’t okay. If it was a one – time kind of thing that escalated it would still be very scary, but you said that he gets physical by pushing you back/out of the way. This isn’t okay. You guys have to learn to not be physical in any form when having a disagreement. Being touched when you are in the “fight” mode can cause a scary reaction. 

Besides the physical part of it all…

In the past when he’s gotten this mad, he won’t talk to me for a day or two and then either texts he wants to get his stuff, or one time he called and said he was proud of me for not calling him.


This is immature and very very abusive, mentally. He’s playing games by seeing how you react. This guy needs therapy to see what in his past/family/etc makes him seek out being a dominating figure who always needs to “win”. I can see why you are worried and considering looking into how to communicate better. 

I would strongly if you are even considering staying with this person, lay out boundaries now. For example – I will not be spoken to in X way. The consequences of you doing so will result in X (you leaving permanently). <—- that explanation there? Seems like something you would do for a child to teach them right and wrong. Kind of scary stuff to have to teach a grown man. If you want it to work, I think couples counselling and individual counselling for both of you to learn better communication skills is very necessary. 

Post # 11
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Robyn23:   Take your name off this and read it like a friend is talking to you.  What would you tell her?  I hope to get out before he hurts her badly or kills her.  And that’s what I’m telling you – leave him before he hurts you badly or kills you.  He’s already physical to the point of pushing you to the ground – what’s next?  A shove is a fist, a punch is a couple, he picks up a baseball bat? 

This is not your fault.  Believe that.  You do not deserve it and it is not your fault. 

1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

Find someone you trust to help you move your stuff when he isn’t home, or have the police there if you can’t be alone.  Please, be safe.

Once you are out and safe you can explore the idea of counselling for his abusive tendencies and the possibility of getting back together if he resolves them.  But be safe.

Post # 12
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

“I know he loves me”

Oh, honey this is straight up out of Lifetime Movie Network.  You do not know what love is if you honestly think a man that calls you a “dumb bitch cunt” loves you. 

You need to leave him, get in therapy to break this pattern and find yourself a guy that would NEVER say those kinds of things to you.  The fact that YOU apologized to him the next morning shows that he has you right where he wants you.  What does he have to worry about?  He gets to basically abuse you and you apologize to him!  Pretty sweet deal in his mind..

Post # 13
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

I can understand how hard it might be to leave him. You have to gather that courage and just leave. Don’t look back. This is not a healthy relationship and he’s not going to change. 

You need to do this for yourself. It doesn’t matter if you love him, you don’t deserve this. You need to gather up that strength and end things.

Post # 14
Member
4216 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think he’s abusive, but I also don’t think you fight fair. That doesn’t excuse the name calling, threats, pushing etc. 

Packing up your things in an argument like that was clearly done to get him to change his behavior and force an apology. That’s really, really unfair. That’s emotional bullying. 

If he said he doesn’t want to cuddle, it’s not fair to aruge with him until he does it. 

No one gets to touch each other in anger in a relationship. Grabbing his arms etc is off limits to you as much as it is to him. 

I think if he recognizes that his behavior is out of line and honestly wants to change, I would maybe try anger counseling and couples counseling. I think if you guys want to work it out it’s going to take a lot of work on both of your parts. 

 

Post # 15
Member
8909 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Wow.  This is pretty bad, especially for a pretty new relationship.  I can *maybe* understand him pushing you back after you push him (even though still not cool) – but the whole dragging you out of bed and shoving you around?  JUST NO.  

There are a million guys in the world who have your bf’s good traits but also would never dream of doing something like that.  My husband would literally jump off a bridge before doing that to me.  You deserve someone better than this guy.

If nothing else, you need to insist that you get couple’s counseling and he gets individual anger management therapy immediately.  But really, why stay?  

Post # 16
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It is never okay for him to push you around like that.  He is a man, you are a woman and that usually means that they are (unfortunately) physically stronger than you.  You should never put your hands on him out of anger but he also is held to the same (if not higher) standard because he can actually hurt you, even if only by accident.

Ask yourself what this relationship is worth to you.  Do the two of you ever discuss his explosions after the fact, once everyone has calmed down?  Communication works two ways, and you need to be very clear and honest about your thoughts/feelings regarding how he makes you feel.   Regardless of if he says those things simply out of anger, it doesn’t mean they don’t hurt and affect you.  People say and do some really really stupid things out of anger sometimes. I’ve certainly said my share of awful things. It’s what you DO about them after the fact that matters.

Decide if you are going to stay or go, but if you do decide to stay with him, decide for yourself what your dealbreaker rules are and stick to them.  Some people have tells for when they’re about to explode, and if you notice them, do your best to diffuse the situation or walk away until you can revisit it at a better time.  If he does explode like that again, LEAVE! Go for a walk, leave the house, whatever you need to do but remove yourself from the situation.  Do not stay and listen to the verbal abuse or try to argue your way out of it. It will only make the situation worse.  Do not allow yourself to remain in a situation that will only get worse the longer you stay in it. 

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